February 26, 2003

When I was like seven years old I was crossing the street and got hit by a car and was in a coma for four days. I think the worst part, for me, was that for days after coming out of the coma, all they would let me drink was skim milk and cranberry juice. I mean not all mixed up together, but still.

To me it was like punishment, because I hate cranberry juice. It's one of those things that you not only actually, physically hate, but that you can't ever imagine anyone else ever liking either. Like, I don't care for chocolate, generally, but I can see how other folks might like it; but cranberry juice is one of those things that you imagine the only people who like it are weird guys named Harold who eat paste.

As hard as it is to believe, though, someone must like cranberry juice, because they have a billion different kinds at the store. Like cran-grape and cran-apple, which isn't a hybrid, even though it sounds like one, and doesn't occur in nature, because God just isn't that cruel: I mean, there are wars and diseases and earthquakes and homeless drug addicts, but we've been spared from having to have any other fruit or berry with a "cran" in front of it. I don't know whoever thought this was a good idea to mix cranberry juice with other kinds of juice, like juice you might actually like.

They even have cran-raspberry, which is monumentally unfair, because I would love to get just raspberry juice at the store, but they don't sell it by itself. So the only way I can get it is to have it all mixed up with cranberry juice. It's kind of like if you really wanted to buy a puppy and someone offers you a whole box of puppies and you find out that half of them are really big rats. And since cranberry overpowers the taste of everything else, it's also like opening the box and discovering that the rats have eaten all the puppies.

I don't know, they say cranberry juice is good for you. You're supposed to have these kidneys and stuff, and I'm not sure what they do but I'm pretty sure that they help you pee. And cranberry juice is supposed to be good for your kidneys and stuff.

With this in mind, I went to the store and I bought some cranberry juice. It was kind of expensive, at least more than like root beer or Dr. Pepper or something really bad for you. Somehow it seems like it should be the other way around, that bad for you things should cost a lot of money, and things that are good for you should be free. Like how Cuban cigars are illegal and cost so much, but sunshine and fresh air are free. On the other hand, the Bible is always making a big deal out of how it's hard to always do the right thing, so maybe its good that cranberry juice is expensive. This is a really stupid topic.

I got some juice, anyway. And I drank it. I haven't noticed a difference in how I pee, and I hate the taste of it. It's weird because when I was younger I could drink any kind of whiskey, rum, even that everclear stuff folks use to clean windows with, so that should give you some idea how much I hate cranberry juice. Also please note that at the beginning of today's entry, I was hit by a car, hospitalized, comatose, spent three months in a body cast and a year in physical therapy, and yet to me the worst part of it all was having to drink cranberry juice.

As bad as it tastes, then, I hope it's really really good for you.

And so, having had my cranberry juice, I went for a walk. It's like 2.7 miles, and I try to keep up a brisk pace because that, too, is supposed to be good for me. It doesn't feel good for me, though. It feels like something I would want done to someone I didn't like. Or something that I would have to do as a prisoner of war in Asia.

It seems like a good rule of thumb should be that the more it hurts, the better it is for you. You know how like when you're little and your parents spank you to help you learn right from wrong, to build character or whatever. And then when you get older you have to exercise and that mostly sucks. And then you not only have to eat healthy crap, but you have to not eat stuff that you actually like.

So all through life we're conditioned with this weird dichotomy that the more we like a thing, the worse it is for us. And conversely, the more unpleasant a thing is, the more beneficial it ultimately is to us.

This is why people become sado-masochists, like into punishment and pain, because they think pain is good. It's also why young kids get all anorexic, because they think that if a little bit of deprivation is beneficial to them, then a lot is even better.

Anyway its one theory. That I just now made up.