But at least its mail. At least it's someone communicating with me, so I'm not living like a homeless guy in the woods who kidnaps young Mormon girls. Not that I would ever kidnap anyone, or even live in the woods with no running water. Or be Mormon. Nevermind.

 

It's nice to get mail and to have something addressed to you that kind of says "Hey, how you doing?" Someone is thinking of me today, even though I'm paying them a thousand dollars an hour to do it. I'm like a little kid when I get mail. I even wave to the mailman.

 

The mailman is kind of like Santa Claus, when you think about it. I mean, he brings things to your home and he never asks for anything in return, so he kind of operates on the same principle.

 

There are, of course, subtle differences. The mailman will take things from your house and give them to other people. Santa doesn't do that. You can't go to the mall and sit on the Mailman's lap and tell him what you want, although I suppose you could go to the post office, sneak into the employee break room, sit on someone's lap and tell them what you wanted them to bring you. There's a good chance you would be arrested, though. And an even better chance that you would be felt up. The post office doesn't employ elves or reindeer, either, although I have seen midgets working there. Unlike Santa's elves, though, the midgets I've seen at the post office are generally mean and ill-tempered. Most postal workers are mean and ill-tempered, though I'm not sure why that is, it's just that I notice it more with midgets because I'm afraid of them.

 

It must really suck to be a mailman. It's a thankless job. They probably get cussed out every time the rates go up. And, I'm sorry, but it just seems like such a mindless job, driving around and putting mail in boxes. When you go to work for a company and you have no skills and you're just a know-nothing doofus, where do they put you? The Mailroom. They figure no one can screw that up. I mean, maybe they could screw it up, but they'd have to be profoundly retarded.

 

Or maybe it's that movie with Kevin Costner that sucked so bad. I bet a ton of mailmen were excited about that movie before it came out...I mean, I bet they were dry-humping their postal meters. And then it was about, what? A guy who tries to restore civilization by delivering mail? I don't get it. I'm sorry. I think if civilization collapsed, the first thing I would want restored was indoor plumbing. He should have called the movie The Plumber.

 

And then of course, there was The Postman Always Rings Twice, which had nothing whatsover to do with mailmen as far as I remember, but did star a smoking hot Jessica Lange. Not that it didn't still suck.

 

I think either of those movies would have benefited had they starrred John Ratzenberger as Cliff Clavin from Cheers. In fact, any of Kevin Costner's films could be improved by Cliff Clavin.

 

I need a sandwich.