August 10, 2002

Modern Science

I'm opposed to the use of Recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone. I don't know what it is but it sounds all scientific and genetic and artificial. I mean it sounds like you're going to wind up with giant cows that go insane and try to eat people, and even if you don't you could have weird mutant milk that causes genetic mutations and parts of your body to start to fall off.

I wouldn't mind so much if there were cows that were part robot, like if you could put something in their heads or whatever that made them give more milk, that would be ok with me. I guess because you could always take robot parts out, or that other animals aren't going to eat the robot parts and then turn into robots themselves, or that children aren't going to drink milk with nanoprobes in it that attach to the neurons in their brains and make them robot people. I don't exactly know what neurons are but anyway that's what would happen on Star Trek.

I don't trust nuclear radioactive stuff, or all this genetic stuff. It just seems like it could kill people, and it's not getting us any closer to living on the moon. That's what science should be doing, trying to get us to the moon, not growing giant cows.

Anyway that's what I think. Or that's what I thought as I read the label on the carton of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream that said they didn't like Recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone. But those guys are hippys, and usually if hippys are against something, I'm all for it. But even without knowing anything about this stuff, I don't like the sound of it.

Why don't scientists come up with something to help that Blind Italian Opera Guy at least see well enough to get a decent shave and haircut?

I just don't trust scientists anymore. They all just seem crazy. And it seems like they keep having these scientific breakthroughs that only scientists care about or understand.

"Eureka! I've finally marticulated the cellular endocrines of species Hominus Obus!"

"Great! What exactly does that mean?"

"That means that from now on, researchers can access SPF codes directly from nucleic sequences in the osmotic membranes, instead of reflecting oxygenated poltritudes!"

"But...what does any of that mean to me? How will this affect regular people?"

"You'll notice the difference in any number of ways! Like, in the operating room!"

"How so?"

"Well, say you have invasive surgery to correct a corroborated asticate lobe in your descending ventricle..."

"OK."

"Well, now we can blodicate the outer membrane in seconds instead of minutes!"

"oooohhhhhhhhhhhh........."

I just don't trust scientists. I know they're working on a chip to take over my brain, and I know they're building space ships to invade Pluto, and now this giant cow thing.

It's like they're so smart and so superior. It's like they speak their own language so that no one can understand them. And it's not even a real language; it's like one of those imaginary languages that twins teach each other.

This is why I like the show Nova on PBS. They make science accessible, and show scientists as just normal people. You can tell they're normal people, because, like everyone on PBS shows, they're all ugly. Well everyone except that blonde woman on Sesame Street. I mean, on TV, fake scientists look like supermodels in lab coats, but real scientists look like dorks. Which coincidentally they usually are.

But that show doesn't have real science. They show the Loch Ness Monster and psychic pets. And every once in a while they do something really cool like build a gigantic medieval siege engine and hurl huge rocks across a field. That's all scientific, like with trajectories and velocities. Plus, it's hurling huge rocks across a field.

(From The Mail Bag August 14)

...I think you were wrong about the TV scientists being good-looking and the real scientists being dorks. I think it's the other way around, and on TV the stereotype is the "nerd" with glasses, and in real life they're just normal people.

I hadn't thought about that. You're probably right.