His name is Rufus Martin and you've all seen him before
His parents run the funeral home out by the dollar store
They've all lived in that old gray house since 1964
And every night his bed's a little closer to the door
His seventh grade debate team proved the Swiss invented cheese
And he once talked the ear off of a bust of Socrates
He's the assistant relief third shift manager at the Tasti-Freez
And he can sing O Canada in perfect Klingonese
(Chorus): His name is Rufus, American Doofus
He's got a simple life, a blow-up wife
and kinda looks like Barney Fife
He freeze-framed every Disney film to count the cartoon squirrels
And he owns the sixty-second biggest Death Star model in the world
He's got a custom-built slide rule that's inlaid Mother of Pearl,
And he was thirty-six before he ever kissed a girl.
(Repeat Chorus)
Well, one dark day at Tasti-Freez a stranger ambled in
And said that Sulu should have died in Star Trek episodee 410
And Rufus cried "Hell no! In that one Sulu rose again!
By reversing the polarity of Vulcan Triptofen!"
And so a battle joined from which just one could walk away
And Rufus breathed his last by the soft-serve machine that day
His name is etched in stone three times beside the Tasti-Freez
Once in English, once in Swiss, and once in Klingonese
(Repeat Chorus)
