1. Meg Ryan does some research and finds out where Tom Hanks lives and goes to work for him as his nanny and tries to seduce him and worm her way into the little boy's heart and eventually turns them against one another and then tries to kill the kid so that she can have Tom Hanks all to herself except the kid gets away and at the very last minute Tom Hanks stabs her to death in the middle of the kitchen floor, and of course they have to eat out that night because there's a dead woman in their kitchen,
2. Tom Hanks was, without his knowledge, part of a secret government experiment that removed the part of his brain that controls his sleep functions and his wife isn't really dead, she was just kidnapped and reprogrammed to think that she was Meg Ryan, and what they think of as fate and destiny is really invisible government ninjas trying to assasinate them,
3. It turns out that Meg Ryan not only lives in New York, she lives in the New York of 1978, and she is receiving radio broadcasts from the future, and tries to use her knowledge to prevent the death of Tom Hanks wife, only it turns out that she was this top government official whose death actually had prevented a full-scale nuclear confrontation in Western Europe, and millions of people die in the end,
4. You know how sometimes people say that if you remember someone they aren't really dead because they live on in your dreams? Well, what if that was literally true and the dead wife was living in Tom Hanks dreams kind of like Freddy Kruegger only not so gross-looking? And so she's tormenting him and trying to kill him and so he hooks himself up to this brain machine like Keifer Sutherland did in Flatliners, and he has to battle her and she's dressed like Xena Warrior Princess?

Unfortunately, none of these things happens. In fact, nothing happens. They kind of go on about their lives and in the last .002 seconds of the movie they kind of meet and hold hands and then Jimmy Durante sings "As Time Goes By". Which might not seem weird if you don't know who Jimmy Durante is, but trust me it totally is. About as weird as, say, Bea Arthur singing "The Long And Winding Road".

Crappy music notwithstanding, the movie does end. There are worse movies, and more boring movies. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that so I don't feel so stupid for having wasted the last hour and a half of my life.

Here's another commercial. This is a long one. It's about some fatburner crap that you take to make you thin. And then after all the scientific stuff and testimonials, there is a disclaimer that says "Results not typical". So all that scientific stuff didn't mean that it will work, just that it might work. By the same token, it might work to take a drill to your skull and remove the part of your brain that tells you to eat, but those results wouldn't be typical either. And anyway, I don't just want to know the best that could happen, I want to know the worst. And then I want to know the odds.

(For those keeping track, that was four times I used the word "crap", and two references to invasive brain surgery for today).

OK, movie's over. I am going to shower and get dressed for church.

(From The Mailbag May 31)

Letter #1: ...Anyway you say that in You've Got Mail they don't know each other....they do know each other and they are kind of rude to each other in the beginning and she hates him...she owns a little independent books store and he works for a large chain....blah blah blah...Point is THEY DO KNOW EACH OTHER.

I stand corrected. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan do know each other in real life...I mean, real life in the movie. But the online Tom Hanks didn't know that he knew the online Meg Ryan in real life in the movie. I know it's confusing but I can sum it all up here by just saying, the movie sucks.

And as usual, yes, you are entitled to your own opinion. I mean, I liked Tom Hanks when he was just doing comedy and I even like Meg Ryan....it's just these movie, jeez. Enough already. My opinion.

Letter #2: ...In Sleepless In Seattle, Meg Ryan lived in Baltimore, not New York City. Subtle difference there. You must be confused because they met at the Empire State Building in the end...

...Yes, that, and the fact that I was only half-watching the movie. My mistake. At any rate, I'm certain that to the folks who live there, there is a huge difference between Baltimore and New York City. And that those folks even care. But if you took an electron microscope, that can magnify objects a billion billion times their normal size, you still wouldn't be able to see my interest in this subject. But thank you for reading my site, and come again.