Peter Parker is really lucky. He's this total doofus who gets bitten by a radioactive spider and suddely he's got all
these super-powers like walking on walls and doing all kinds of acrobatics and stuff.
The sticking to walls thing is kind of weird, because spiders have these little hook things that let them stick to walls.
In the movie they kind of showed them on Peter Parker's fingers, which was kind of cool, except for three things:
- He should have them on his feet and arms and legs, too, unless he can support his entire weight with just his fingertips,
- Wouldn't those hook things (which are really just very coarse hairs) have to be really huge and totally disgusting to
support his weight?
- His costume covers his entire body
And since when are spiders nimble and scrobatic and all that? I've never seen a spider do flips or cartwheels.
Spiders are actually kind of disgusting. They have eight legs and fifteen eyes and are covered with long coarse black
hair. Plus, the web comes out of their butts, and not their hands. That's something you don't see in the movies. And then
finally, their mouths are these pincer-things . All very very gross.
So, yeah, I'd say Peter Parker was really lucky . Lucky especially that he didn't wind up like Jeff Goldbloom in The
Fly.
Like most superheroes, though, Spiderman is really extra-lucky because he has no really good villian to worry about.
You always hear actors talk about how much more fun it is to play the villian than the hero, but personally I don't see it.
I could name a hundred superheros who are really cool, but probably only about a dozen good villians. I don't know why that
is, especially every hero seems to have about six hundred villians.
Spiderman has fought his share. There was this one guy called "The Lizard" who was a scientist dude who lost his arm
some kind of how and so tried to figure out how lizards grow limbs back when they lose them, but instead he turned into a
lizard-man. Now there's a lot of animals that it might be interesting to see combined with a human, but the lizard isn't one
of them.
(Note: As I write this, it occurs to me that a really good villian would be The Border Collie. You know, they're
always so energetic and jumping up in your face. That would seriously kick ass).
I wonder did those comic book dudes ever watch a lizard before they made up this character?
Sits there doing nothing.
Sticks out his tongue.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Sticks out his tongue.
Nothing.
Looks to the right.
Sticks out his tongue.
Takes one step.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Looks to the left.
Takes another step.
Sticks out his tongue.
Nothing.
Nothing.
As a super-villian, the lizard is just that fascinating.
There's Doctor Octopus, an old man with a stupid haircut who has metal arms grafted to his sides. That's enough to give
you nightmares. If you're four.
And there's the Green Goblin. To be fair, when he was thought up in like 1960, I'm sure the word "Goblin" didn't sound
ridiculous, or call to mind those French Fry guys from the McDonald's commercials.
Most heroes don't have good villians, though, which is kind of weird. I mean, take Superman, the most powerful superhero
there is; now, you'd think he would have some great villians, and yet, who's his arch-nemesis? Lex Luthor. Just a
regular guy. The Prankster? Yeah, I'll rob a jewlery store using a giant jack-in-the-box. That'll freak Superman out!!!
The best villians are the ones who are totally evil, completely psychotic, or sympathetic. The worst ones have no personalities,
they just have gimmicks like a boomerang or a heat ray.
