On TV and in the movies, the Devil never appears as an accountant or a computer geek. The Devil's always a lawyer or
runs a circus. I could be the devil in my job as night manager of a hotel. It could be a hotel of evil where you check in
and then all kinds of weird things happen to you, like you have to keep calling down to the desk for extra towels and they
never come.
Sometimes the Devil is a woman, but mostly a man. The Devil is always in a position to hurt someone, though. And always
making deals and signing contracts. This seems extremely inefficient, for a Devil. It also seems out of character, for someone
who just lies all the time.
In the Bible, the Devil never made deals or contracts. He was never a lawyer or hotel manager. He was a serpent who deceived
people, and something more like a general leading an army that he knows can never win. It almost kind of makes you feel sorry
for him. Except for the fact that he is totally and irredeemably evil, I mean.
Anyway, in the Bible, the Devil had demons all over the place possessing people and making them sick and crazy and blind
and jumping off cliffs. To me, this seems a much more efficient way of spreading misery than to have to go out and individually
have everyone sign contracts and make deals.
The Garden of Eden
The Devil tricked Eve. He came to her and said "Why not try this fruit?" And she was all, "No, we don't eat that, we
ain't even supposed to touch it or we're gonna die."
Now, read your Bible if you don't believe me. She said they weren't supposed to touch it. But that's not what God told
Adam; He just told Adam not to eat it, He never said anything about not touching it. I think Adam was either trying to be
really serious about it. or he just got impatient with Eve asking questions about it ("We're not supposed to eat it? Can we
put it in a salad? What if we cook it?") that finally Adam just said "Look, don't even touch it, ok?"
Anyway, the Devil tells her "Surely you won't die!" I don't know why Eve reckoned he knew better than God, but anyway,
she ate it. And there's been nothing but trouble ever since.
A lot of folks read that story and they say it's all the woman's fault. She was fooled. But she turned around and gave
it to Adam, and he knew better than to eat it, but ate it anyway. He wasn't fooled, not for one second. He knew better and
ate it anyway, no one had to lie to him to get him eat it. She just said "Here, it's good!" and he said "Ok."
And then when they got caught, Adam pointed to Eve, Eve pointed to the serpent, and then they all got smacked down by
God. The serpent had to crawl on his belly, the woman got pain in childbirth, and the man had to work his ass off.
Most women would say they got the raw end of that deal. Childbirth is unimaginably painful. Of course, women only have
to go through that a few times in their lives. Work, on the other hand, is forever. Personally, though, I think the serpent
got the worst part of that deal.
Satan: The Early Years
That's not how the Devil got his start, though. Isaiah says the Devil was an angel til he got it into his head to try
to "be like God". I'm not real clear on what that means, but I think Lucifer (that's what they called him back then) was just
a control freak. The bad kind of control freak, the kind that's never really in control or have any real power. It's
like God had this company to run ("Creation, Inc.) and He's President and CEO. He runs a tight ship, but He gets the job done.
Nobody has any complaints. And then Lucifer starts with the memos.
To: I Am
From: Lucifer
Congratulations on your latest endeavor, the entirety of creation.
Great job so far! I do, however, have a few suggestions:
1) Gravity - I realize You're all-knowing, but are You aware
of the humongous black hole in the third arm of the Milky Way? Maybe we should re-think this gravity thing, or at least suspend
it in this case.
2) The Giraffe - What's with the neck? It's kind of silly-looking.
3) Time - Time's a great idea! How else to describe the passage
of events? But I don't think the quarks are quite getting it.
To: Lucifer
From: I Am
Thank you for your wonderful suggestions. By "wonderful" I of
course mean "completely unnecessary".
1) I could suspend the laws of gravity in black holes, but that
would just tempt everyone to send spaceships through, and then their molecules would fly apart due to the lack of gravity.
2) If I make the giraffe's neck shorter, they have to compete
with the other short-necks for food, and people will start confusing them with llammas.
3) Quarks are there for a reason, not the least of which is
to freak people out when they figure out what they are.
As one of my valued creations, I'm happy to explain whatever
I think you need to know. There's a fine line between curiousity and criticism, however.
To: I Am
From: Lucifer
On the surface everything looks great, but this creation stuff
is looking weirder and weirder. What's with these germs?
What good are they? And what's with the flying fish, and the platypus? Nipples on men?
And why should you get all the glory? I'm the one who suggested
cleaning up around the tar pits, and I've been saying for years that something needs to be done about the dinosaurs.
Not long after this memo, Michael had to escort Lucifer off the property.
The Devil Today
I wonder what goes on in his head. He knows he can't win, yet every time God tries to do something, there he is trying
to mess it up. It's like if you had a driving instructor trying to show you where to turn and how to steer, and some guy sitting
in the back seat saying "Don't worry about that red light! Don't break on the curve!"
It's not like the Devil came out of the deal with nothing. People think God gets everything, you know, glory, honor,
"Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord" and all that. But if you think about it, God gave man dominion over the earth, and man
basically gave it to the Devil when he ate that fruit in the garden. So maybe the Devil doesn't own the earth, but he's sub-letting,
and he's here to stay.
I can prove it.
What does God want us to do? Follow the rules. Obey Him. Serve our fellow man. What is the human ideal? Make your own
rules. Be your own man. Do what you want to do.
Most folks don't even believe in the Devil. In his line of work, that makes his job that much easier. I'm not trying
to convert anybody, I'm just saying.
I'm not saying that I know what it all means and what we should all do and what all the answers are. I've seen some TV
preachers talk about WRESTLING the Devil!!!, or SLAM-DUNKING the Devil!!!, or TAKING THE DEVIL OUT TO LUNCH AND LEAVING HIM
TO PICK UP THE CHECK!!! I've seen priests in movies using holy water and speaking Latin, although if you think about it that's
kind of odd. I think the devil probably speaks French or German.
