Some people don't mind. They'll tell you anything. Kids are like this a lot, which is why some families have no secrets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's like, by the time the kid's done talking, you know every vice and family secret they have. Some kids never outgrow this. They grow up just blurting things out all the time and sharing their most intimate personal details with total strangers at just the slightest provocation. Not only that, but they just go on and on and on about it.

 

 

And suddenly you knowway more about this guy than you ever wanted to. There's really nothing you can say, either. At some point you might try to sympathize, you know, except that 1) You don't even really know this person that well, 2) You're not sure how to respond, and 3) You want to change the subject as quickly as possible.

 

Sometimes people can't help it. Seriously, I sometimes thing that part of the process of grieving or recovery is to blurt out to complete strangers the most intimate details of your life.

 

 

 

 

It never seems to be people who have interesting things to say, you know. It couldn't be that I work with a bunch of astronauts or television writers or lion tamers, just people who might have interesting things to talk about. The people I meet who do this all talk about their disgusting bodily functions and family secrets and how they accidentally ran over a squirrel on the way to work.

 

There are several ways to avoid getting yourself in this situation, the simplest one being to avoid conversation with anyone for any reason. This is not always possible, though, and so in addition you may wish to consider

 

1) When someone says they don't want to talk about something, believe them; if they continue talking, politely but firmly remind them that they didn't want to talk about it,

 

2) Avoid probing, open-ended questions like "How are you?" or "What's going on?" and instead stick with more neutral greetings like "Hi" or "You look great", as these are simpler and generally just as insincere....if by chance you forget and ask someone how they're doing and they actually start to tell you, politely but firmly remind them that these questions are just expressions and that very few people are actually interested,

 

3) If they start to tell you things voluntarily, respond quickly with "What does this have to do with me?",

 

4) Pretend you have a hearing impairment,

 

5) Fake a coughing fit,

 

6) Over-sympathize by pretending to cry or responding with anger that's all out of proportion to their problem,

 

7) If they complain about a medical condition, tell them that you had a friend or family member who developed an identical problem right before they dropped dead,

 

8) Couter with a worse problem, but disguise it as sympathy, "Your dad is having surgery? That's too bad, I'm so sorry. My dad just died. At least you have a chance to prepare yourself" or "Your dad just died? That's too bad, I'm so sorry. My dad died when I was four, I never got the chance to know him."

 

None of these may stop a person from giving you all this personal information, but it will definitely stop them from doing it again the next time they see you.

 

There is a reason that I know all about this. Quite simply, it's because there have been times in my life when I've spilled my guts to people for no reason. Or to people who acted interested. Or for whatever reason, it doesn't even matter.

 

The people who don't care didn't really bother me, because I gave up a long time ago expecting anyone to care. The folks who really bug the crap out of me are the ones who do care. Because then like every time you see them after that they bring it up: "Hey, John, how's that thing growing on your butt? Still hurting?" No one wants to hear that all the time, especially when they're stupid enough to have told someone about it.

 

And there's one thing worse. It's when you go to church and someone wants to "pray" for you. I'm not talking about folks who genuinely want to pray or do pray; I'm talking about the guy who stands up in a class or a Bible study and says "Ya'll pray for Brother John, he's got a big red welt a-growin' on his behind and he's in a lot of pain." And then before you know it even all the old women are coming up to you in the back of the sanctuary saying "You poor dear! How is that welt on your butt? Are you able to sit ok? Should I get one of the ushers to bring you a cushion?"

 

This is the last thing I want, and I think most folks agree with me, if they're honest. It's when annoying people that you see every day think that they're your friends, and then if they find out anything personal about you at all, they just talk about it all the time. If someone new comes in, it won't be long before your annoying pseudo-friend is telling them all about it, right in front of you they'll go "Have you seen John's wife? She's so pretty, it's a shame they can't seem to get along" or "John's having trouble sitting right now because he has a big red welt growing on his butt."

 

There are some folks I like being friends with, and I don't mind them knowing stuff about me. But these are always the folks who don't bring up personal stuff all the time.

 

I have a very simple policy with regards to personal information: If I specifically ask about it, that means I want to know. Otherwise, I don't. And unless I'm temporarily insane or  trapped in a cave with you and we've completely run out of other things to talk about, I won't ask.

 

Now, with regards to my own personal information: Any information other than just my name, unless I volunteer it, I don't want you to know about. Don't ask.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then after like half an hour of credits, it finally shows the title and it's something you never heard of, and the title is something that tells you absolutely nothing about the movie, like Endangered or Billy Bob. I hate that. It would be much simpler of movies were titled like paintings. I mean, a painting is entitled Nude Descending Staircase or whatever, so even if its a freaky modern blob of color, you still have some idea what you should be seeing when you look at it.

 

Now, in fairness, some movies do have titles like that. You know a movie called Armed Response or Breakfront is going to be some kind of Action/Adventure, and Box Lunch is going to be a comedy, and Tale of a Winter's Day or Wind On Water is going to suck.

 

But what about Endangered? That could be an action/adventure or a psychological thriller or it could be about whales. What about A Day At The Beach? That could be a comedy or a heavy period drama starring Helena Bonham Carter.

 

I think there should be more truth in these movie titles. I mean, for me, the best movie title ever was Planet of The Apes. What was it about? A Planet. Who lived there? Apes. No tricks or misdirection there. Another good one is Conan the Barbarian. It's about a guy named Conan, and already just from the title you know the most important thing about him: That he's a Barbarian. It may also happen that he's a Methodist or a salesman or a doting father, but none of that is as important as the fact that he's a Barbarian.

 

The movie titles that irritate me the most are the artsy ones that try to be all clever and cryptic on purpose with titles like October Dogs or Lawnboy Days or something. There's just nothing in that title that tells you anything about the movie.

 

Movie titles should be like painting titles. You should hear a movie title and immediately get some sense of what's going to happen in the movie or who the main characters are. Anyway, that's what I think.