I really like the movie "Silverado". It was really cool, with Scott Glenn, Danny Glover, Kevin Costner. I think it's the best western ever, at least since John Wayne died. Kevin Costner was even good in it. It was the first movie I ever remember seeing him in, and based on that movie I remember thinking he would be a good guy to keep an eye on in the future, that maybe he would be making a lot more good movies like that one. All the rest of the stars of that movie did.

But I can't stand Kevin Costner movies. I can't figure out what happened. Maybe he decided just to make weird hippy movies and these long surreal period pieces. Or maybe his career plan was to take a small part in a really good movie, make a huge string of really crappy movies, appear on "Oprah" a few times, and then retire.

Here are the three types of Kevin Costner movies:

1) He plays baseball! And he's really, really good!

2) Civilization is in ruins, and he's our last hope.

3) It's the Old West, or Olde England, or Something, and he's our last hope.

Kevin Costner movies teach us things. Like, that white people are usually bad; black people and American Indians are usually good. They teach us that baseball is symbolic of everything. And they teach us that Kevin Costner is smarter and better than everyone else.

He's like a sensitive Arnold Schwarzenegger. By that I mean that Arnold basically has one role that he plays over and over. He does vary it some, I mean, sometimes he'll be a spy and sometimes a cop and sometimes a sophisticated robot that has the range and facial expressions of a spy or a cop. Kevin Costner is the same way: He has one role that he plays over and over, only the props change. He's sensitive, compassionate, and he cares more than everyone else. Sometimes he rides horses, and sometimes he plays baseball, but he's very very good and you can tell because he makes these really long speeches about how good he is, and what he likes and believes in, and how much he cares.

Here's a quiz for you.

KEVIN COSTNER QUIZ:

These four roles are available in Hollywood. Which ones does Kevin Costner choose?

1) A retired cop helps a young rookie investigate the case of a serial killer targeting young women in Dallas, Texas.

2) A shoe salesman from Des Moines suddenly finds that he can throw a baseball at 120 miles per hour.

3) A mildly retarded man sues a major corporation that he blames for the death of his devoted dad.

4) A plumber in post-apocalyptic America attempts to repair every leaky faucet in the now-abandoned White House to restore hope and keep the dream alive.

Answers to the Kevin Costner Quiz

1) Although "retired cop" doesn't semm to be part of Kevin Costner's repartee, this is one he would take, because what the question should have read was "A retired cop helps a young rookie investigate the case of a serial killer targeting young women in 1872 Dallas, Texas, in a grand 3-hour epic adventure with lots of dialouge."

2) You'd think because it says "baseball", and because he gets to play a character who is supernaturally talented, that this would be a role he would take. You'd be right. In fact, the role was probably written with him in mind. Or, at least, adapted from a screenplay originally written for a 12-year-old in a Disney movie.

3) This is a trick question. This movie would give Hollywood a chance to once again demonstrate how being mentally challenged automatically gives a person unique insight into the human condition, which Hollywood loves to do, and would also guarantee that whoever took the lead role would get on "Oprah" again. In addition, it has a very "Anti-Corporate America" tone, and would have plenty of schmaltzy emoting about the dead dad. But Kevin Costner would never play a "Forrest Gump" or "Rain Man" type character because a) it's out of his range, and b) he couldn't be the big hero who proves in the end how much better he is than everyone else.

4) This one was written for Kevin Costner.

Women over 40 love Kevin Costner. To them, Kevin Costner is like N'Sync is to girls 16 and younger. It's because, onscreen at least, Kevin Costner is everything that their husbands and boyfriends probably are not, which is, sensitive, caring, yet still rugged and manly. Kevin Costner is to acting what Michael Bolton is to music.

There's something else I wonder about Michael Bolton and Kevin Costner. You know how there are certain performers, like Cher and Bette Midler, who female impersonators just love to imitate? Well, I think if there were female performers who made their living impersonating men, they would all be Kevin Costner and Michael Bolton.

Now, I don't mean to give the impression that I dislike Kevin Costner. I totally don't. I think he could make some awesome movies. He just doesn't.