Santa Claus

We teach kids that Santa Claus is real and kids love Santa because he gives them things that they don't have to work for. In 1917, Russia was in chaos, the Czar had abdicated and there was unrest and poverty and starvation. The Bolsheviks promised them a worker's paradise where the state would provide for all their needs and they would love the premiere because he would give them things that they didn't have to work for.

Is Santa Claus a Communist? He wears red, believes in distribution of the wealth, and controls the means of production. He also lives above the Arctic circle in an area that was largely controlled by the Soviets for most of the 20th century.

The thing that bugs me about Santa is that kids love him because he gives them stuff. It's creating a welfare state, just like all those politicians who always used to get re-elected by promising all these social programs designed to keep people from working.

The Smurfs were Communists, although not pure Marxists, they tended towards Leninist dictates. They all labored for the common good under a benevolent dictator, Papa Smurf. Papa Smurf even wore red. They were all assigned specific societal roles, like "Handy" Smurf (laborer) and "Baker" Smurf, etc. The only thing they didn't do was export revolution to the neighboring villages. But that's just because there were none.

People seem to think that since Communism failed in the Soviet Union that there are no Communists left. But there are. They're all over Asia, in China and North Korea and Vietnam. You see them everywhere on the internet. And just because they're not in power anymore, believe me, they are still all over Europe. And the North Pole. And, of course, Smurf Village.

To me, Communists are like Robert Redford and Paul Newman in "The Sting". They promise everyone everything and by the time the workers realize they've been had, it's too late. They're in power and they got statues of themselves up everywhere.

Eating Your Friends

I think it would be really horrible if you got stuck somewhere with no food and so you had to eat someone else to survive. Especially if they were someone you considered a friend, and especially if they were really really skinny. You never hear anyone who crashed in the Andes and had to eat someone go, like, "Yah, it was horrible. I wasn't even that hungry." I think it would be really horrible if you got rescued before you were finished eating. And how come every time you hear about this happening, its always hearty pioneers or mountain climbers or a soccer team? What if it was a support group for eating disorders? Maybe there have been cases where this happened but we just never heard about them, because they didn't make it. I just don't know. I'm going to stop thinking about this.

Vampires

What would Frankenstein do if he got bit by Dracula? I mean, he's already dead. At least, I think he is. Is he still rotting? Are there like maggots crawling in him? Because if there are, it's hard to imagine that body parts wouldn't just keep falling off him.

But what would happen if Dracula bit him? Would he become a vampire? What kind of vampire would he be, and would he be able to turn into a bat? What kind of bat? I bet his blood is all stale.

What about a werewolf? Are they immune to vampires? If Dracula bit the Wolfman, what would happen to him during a full moon? Because I've seen movies where the Wolfman was like Dracula's dog and just did whatever he was told. I don't know why he did, though, because what was Dracula planning on doing to him? You never see werewolves who are also vampires, so I have to assume that the Wolfman wasn't afraid of Dracula biting him. And it wasn't like Dracula was friends with the Lone Ranger, who carried around a six-gun with silver bullets. Maybe Dracula carried around a rolled-up newspaper and swatted him on the nose.

So vampires get bitten and then they don't age. That would rock if you were like 25 years old. I mean, the no-aging thing would, but not the whole undead-drinking-blood thing. It would suck if you were like 10 or 11, like Kirsten Dunst was in that movie, which really really sucks when you consider what a babe she would have been if she had aged about 6 or 7 more years. It would also suck if you were really old or sick or something. It occurs to me that using the word "suck" so much in this paragraph is kind of ironic. I wonder was Peter Pan a vampire. He flew, and he didn't age.

Not aging is cool but not dying would be not so cool, I mean, if you got shot in the head or something, or cut into pieces. That would really really hurt.