Midget Commandos

In light of everything going on in America, I thought about joining the Army. I mean, I didn't really consider doing it, as old and out-of-shape as I am, but I thought about it in an abstract way and how funny it would be to see the recruiter's face. I wonder does the Army have a program where I can submit to some kind of genetic engineering and be made into a super-soldier?

I know they have titanium alloy exo-skeletons with rocket packs and ray-guns built in. But they don't make those in my size. That's because they're just for midgets.

They say midgets are the only ones who wear them because it would cost too much to make the suits for anyone over four feet tall. It may sound like discrimination, but our country needs the midget commandos.

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with midgets." -Albert Einstein, 1879 - 1955

Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom

Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom is a great movie. It's more a guy movie than the other two Indiana Jones movies. I think that's because so many guys relate to it, because in many ways it's just like marriage:

1) The Food: Chilled monkey brains, big roach-looking bugs, and raw, live eels. To a lot of guys this is like home-cooking,

2) The Black Sleep of Kali-Ma: You're alive, but it's like a nightmare you can't wake up from,

3) You're bound with iron shackles and made to work all the time. Not only that, but every time you dump out that cart full of rocks thinking you've actually gotten something accomplished, somebody's whipping you over the head to turn around and get another cartful of rocks, and

4) Your heart is ripped from your chest in a brief ceremonial ritual.

Six Degrees of Stupidity, Part II

"How you doing? I'm Anthony Jackson."
"Nice to meet you, Anthony. You were named after the President?"
"What President?"
"The President of the United States, you know, the Battle of New Orleans and all that."
"That was Andrew."
"What?"
"It was Andrew Jackson. My name is Anthony Jackson."
"Andrew Jackson? You sure? I thought he was that Civil Rights guy."
"No, that's Jesse Jackson."
"Jesse Jackson is a girl. You know, she was on that show Charlie's Angels."
"That's Kate Jackson."
"Kate Jackson? Is she kin to that baseball guy who had the candy bar named after him?"
"That's Reggie Jackson. I don't think they're kin to one another."
"You sure?"
"Yes."
"I don't think so. I think Reggie Jackson is that weird-ass Thriller guy."
"No! That's Michael Jackson!"
"Michael Jackson? He's the Olympic runner."
"That's Michael Johnson."
"Michael Johnson is the basketball guy."
"No, that's Michael JORDAN."
"Michael Jordan? I thought he was the Northern Irish guy who led the Easter Uprising against the British in 1915."
"No, that was Michael Collins."
"Now that one I know you're wrong. Michael Collins is a drink you can order at a bar."
"That's a Tom Collins."
"Really? The drink was named after the drummer from Genesis?"
"I don't think so. Anyway, the drummer for Genesis was Phil Collins."
"Phil Collins? I thought he was the gravelly-voiced Weekend Update guy from Saturday Night Live."
"Um...no, that was Collin Quinn."
"Collin Quinn is the character Jerry O'Connell played on that show Sliders."
"No, that was Quinn Mallory."
"Wasn't that the oldest daughter on Family Ties?"
"No! That was Mallory Keaton!"
"Mallory Keaton I know! He played Batman!"
"Batman? That was Michael Keaton."
"O, yeah! Micahel Keaton. Gotcha. What was your name again?"