The Terminator Part II, Part I

The computers who rule the world sent Arnold Schwarzenegger back to 1984 to kill Sarah Connor so that she wouldn't have a baby named John who would grow up to overthrow the computers. But Michael Biehn went back to help her and, using just guns and technology available to them in 1984, killed the Terminator. And then the computers sent Robert Patrick back to 1993 (when John should have been seven or eight but instead was like 15 or 16) and Sarah Connor and Arnold Schwarzenegger (who was a good guy now) killed the Robert Patrick Terminator. Those computers were not so smart. After the first movie, they already knew that Sarah Connor could kill them all using just technology available in 1984. So why didn't they send the Robert Patrick one back to 1964 or 1944 or 1924 and kill John's grandma or great-grandma? Stupid computers. I mean, it would have been a short movie, but the computers would have won.

Porno

I hate porno. I hate that people make it and get rich off it. I hate that people watch it. I hate the attitudes it promotes toward women and just about sex in general. I especially hate when people say "Everyone does it so what does it matter," or people who laugh like it's a big joke. I hate that you can't say anything about it because everyone will scream "Free Speech" and say you're being close-minded and judgemental if you speak out against it, like free speech begins and ends with THEM and I can't say anything.

Sometimes people protest or something, but it never does any good. I'm surprised there's not more protests by nurses, ex-convicts, or real-estate agents. Because from what I've seen of the movies the women are always bi-sexual and are usually nurses, prisoners, or real-estate agents. And of course they're always set on go.

In my life, I've seen a few of the movies, or at least different parts of them, and once I even went to a strip bar for a bachelor's party. But it didn't do anything for me except make me feel sorry for those poor girls. And anyway the plots of those movies don't make any sense and are not realistic at all. When I was looking at house like five years ago, the real-estate agent kept all her clothes on the whole time. And I been to the hospital too but maybe I have a different HMO that the guys in those movies.

From The Mailbag (August 30):

As for your thoughts on pornography. I appreciate them. My husband and I went through a starvation period when we both dropped out of school and tried to open our own business. Well, the business flopped and we needed work... Out of desperation and the unwillingness to apply for food stamps I did something that has changed my life forever. I worked as a cocktail waitress in a topless bar...The stories I'd heard other women tell about how their husbands would go to one of these places to unwind was, well basically b**ls**t. The wife may not have been aware of the horrible truth but I certainly was....painfully aware. The men that frequent those places are not...I'm not sure normal is the word but I think there is something deviated from the need to frequent a place like that. I'm no feminist but women are certainly treated like meat in there...When I brought home $500.00 in one night just for wearing a skimpy outfit and flirting with a bunch of drunks it seemed easier to take...

Well everyone has done stuff they're not proud of. But the girls I feel sorry for are the ones who've convinced themselves that its no big deal or like now some of them say its "empowering". Up is down. Black is white.

I think the reasons guys go in groups is to reenforce the notion that its ok. But to me its disgusting and those guys are pathetic losers who can't relate to women as people.

Sequels

It seems like every time there's a hit movie they have to start making sequels to it. Some movies should have sequels, like Silverado or The Lost Boys, but then they don't. Sometimes they make just the right amount of sequels and then stop before they start totally sucking, like they did with Back To The Future. Some movies there will always be sequels to: Like Star Trek, because someone will always be around to be in a Star Trek movie, or James Bond, because there will always be a British actor to star in it even if he sucks. Most of the time, the second movie won't be nearly as good as the first, and then the third one will totally suck and then they stop making them. Most of the time. But every so often you will see a movie like that last Karate Kid one with Hillary Swank that leaves you speechless.

Here's what they should do, though, when the last movie sequel sucked and they are totally out of steam, they should start mixing them up. Like having those Sigourney Weaver Aliens fighting those Predator Aliens. Or where Bruce Willis from those Die Hard movies has to team up with Eddie Murphy from Beverly Hills Cop. Or Robocop versus Rambo.

My Secret Identity

If you have a secret identity or something like that, it's best to keep it a secret. I mean, if you're from the future or another planet or you have magic powers or you have an unfrozen caveman living in your basement, you'd best keep it to yourself. I mean, no one is ever going to believe you. OK, I take that back, because whoever is the first person you meet when you land in your spaceship or get unfrozen or come out of your Jeannie-bottle, they'll believe you, but anyone else will try to have you committed to a mental hospital.

Look what happened to Michael Biehn in the first Terminator movie. What was he thinking? I mean, he's in jail, he knows he has to get out to protect Sarah Connor, and he tells the police psychiatrist all about how he came from the future. In the future they must just believe whatever anyone tells you. But you'd think someone would have warned him, first of all, if you tell someone you're from the future, they're probably going to think you're crazy, and even if they believe you they'll probably turn you over to the military or something. Look what happened to Cornelius and Zira in "Escape From The Planet of The Apes".

The only exception to this rule is the angels on "Touched By An Angel". They always tell. I don't know why, but they do, and it's always at the very end that they do. But I think the show is set in a parallel universe where angels appear to everyone and its very commonplace, because on that show everyone always believes them.

Giving Religion A Bad Name

Catholic churches are always named something religious, like Sacred Heart or Christ The King. Protestant churches are named after the city they're in or the street they're on, usually. Sometimes you see one with a word in their names like "Antioch" or "Rehobeth" but no one knows what that means. Or anyway I don't. I like the Catholic way of naming churches better. Plus Catholics are allowed to drink.

I'd rather be Southern Baptist though. You don't have to know any Latin. You don't have to burn candles or incense. And plus if you're a Pastor you can get married, which Catholic priests don't. Maybe it's so a priest's kids don't get confused calling him "Father Dad".

Southern protestants don't have a great reputation anyway, although mostly I think that's because of TV preachers. You know, the kind who always want to take everyone's money, and they get to screaming and waving their arms til you get the notion that hell's not more than a half-mile off. People think that the problem with guys like that is that they fanatical about their religion, but I think that's crap. The problem is that they get fanatical about themselves. They don't want to serve God or spread His message; they want to say "Look at me! Send me money!" And for most folks that's the only preaching they ever hear, so they tune out all of it.

The Doctor Is In

I hate it on TV and stuff when someone is called Doctor and you don't know what kind of doctor they are and they obviously aren't a doctor, and they just say that to make them sound smart. Like Doctor Smith on Lost In Space. What kind of doctor was he? He was too stupid to be a professor or something, and he never demonstrated any medical knowledge. I'm not talking about people like Doctor Doom in the comic books or Doctor Johnny Fever on WKRP In Cincinnati, because they weren't pretending to be doctors they just used the name for show.

David Banner from The Incredible Hulk was a doctor but I don't think he was very smart. He wandered from town to town and tried to hide his identity by always changing his name, but he never changed it much. He was always David BANNION or David BRANIGAN. You'd think he would vary it a little. I understand that it was easier to remember what his name was supposed to be if he just varied it a little bit each time, but did he have to use his real name? Couldn't he have used Joe or Pete? And then of course there was Jack McGee, the dumbest reporter on earth, who knew that 1) the Hulk first appeared in the lab of David Banner, and 2) everywhere the Hulk appeared after that, a stranger wandered in town whose name was always David "B-Something", and yet he never put two and two together.

And every time the Hulk got in a car it got struck by lightning or a tree fell on it, but the very next week he would take a job as a chauffer or a taxi driver. And he always took jobs where he knew there would be trouble, like sweeping the floors in a biker bar where he befriends the innocent, virginal waitress who's trying to make enough money so that her sick child can have the surgery he needs to walk again.

Other famous characters who were doctors: Indiana Jones, Sam Beckett on Quantum Leap, The Fugitive, Thor, Frasier Crane, Marcus Welby, Alex Stone (the dad on The Donna Reed Show), Cliff Huxtable, Doctor Strange, Dr. Kildare, Daktari, Buckaroo Banzaii, and "Bones" McCoy (who was a doctor, and not a bricklayer, and not a waiter, and not a gingerbread man....)

Are You In A Cult?

Here are some signs to look for whether you are in a cult or not: Do you pray to God, or to your Pastor, and is there a distinction made between the two? How many wives does your Pastor have, or is every female over the age of fourteen considered his "wife"? Is your church surrounded by a high brick wall or barbed wire? How many families actually live at your church? Is your church building or buildings commonly referred to as a "compound"? Is the stockpiling of weapons a part of your church's mission statement? Does your Pastor preach about the end of the world, and if so does he claim to know when it will be or that he'll play a major role in it? How often do the police or sheriff's deputies come out to your church? Is your church under seige? Is there a large box or cabinet somewhere on church grounds that your Pastor mysteriously refers to as "Plan B"? Do you have to dress the same as other members of your church, or eat certain foods, or get your haircut a certain way? Does "excommunication" from your church require bloodshed?