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Stupid Questions
In all my dealings with the public I have learned never to underestimate the stupidity of the average
person. People ask stupid questions all the time. Not only that, they ask them over and over. And even the well-thought-out
and reasonable questions that they ask become stupid when they won't stop asking. Like when someone asks for directions, this
is reasonable. People get lost. Even when they have to verify the directions by repeating them back to you in question form
("Take a right? At the corner? And then the first left?"), that's ok. But eventually, 90% of the people to whom you are giving
directions will get around to the stupid question, which is almost always some variation of "Now, if I follow these directions,
then I'll get there?"
This is very common. But if these direction-seekers would think for one second:
- I wouldn't be giving you directions if they were wrong,
- If I gave you wrong directions thinking they were correct, then asking that question will only get you the
wrong response,
- If I did give you wrong directions on purpose to get you lost, and then confirmed them when you repeated
them back to me, then this final question is not going to trip me up.
One thing I like doing when they ask this question is act like I don't understand it.
"So, if I follow these directions, will they get me there?"
"Get you where?"
"To the stadium." [or wherever]
"You mean to the stadium I already gave you directions to?"
"YES! Will they get me there?"
"I don't understand...will the directions to the stadium get you to the stadium? Is that what you mean?"
"Nevermind"
Usually they think I'm stupid or just being a smart ass. Usually I am. Being a smart ass, I mean. But I
think they get mad because they realize how stupid they were being.
Fat Lifeguards
I don't trust fat lifeguards. I know I am not exactly svelte, but that doesn't prevent me from talking about
other people. Plus, my job is not pulling someone out of the water and potentially having to breathe life back into them.
By the same token, I know I'm not the best-looking guy in the world, but that doesn't stop me from saying that Julia Roberts
has huge lips or something, because I'm not up on a movie screen saying "Oh, look how beautiful I am." Anyway.......I barely
trust a fat person to keep breathing for themself, let alone for me or someone I love.
Aliens In Science Fiction
In science fiction, aliens are always better than us at everything. They usually have super-powers.
You never see an alien who is blind or stupid. Well, sometimes you do but they are usually evil. Of course, evil aliens are
a whole 'nother ball game.
These are the kinds of aliens you see in science fiction:
- Cute Fuzzy/Furry Aien who, although they have mastered interstellar travel, completely
lack the ability to communicate verbally. At least beyond a few rudimentary words. These aliens are usually here accidentally
or are here to retrieve something they left here a million years ago. They will be befriended by a child or an entire family,
and in the case of a family they will drive the dad Crazy. Usually the story ends sadly, like "Don't go". ET was this kind
of alien.
- Slimy Disgusting Alien Trying To Take Over the Earth. The most alien of all aliens.
These aliens don't talk, either. At least not to us. They're too busy trying to kill/enslave/conquer/eat us. These are like
the aliens in Independence Day, Aliens and Predator.
- The Good-Looking Alien looks completely human in all respects. They usually have
super-powers and sometimes they have so many super-powers that you never see them until the alien gets into a situation that
requires the powers. The explanation for the super-power is usually either "blah blah blah molecules blah blah blah" or "Didn't
you know I could leak paste from my ears that explodes when you breathe?" These aliens can walk among us un-noticed and come
in two varieties:
I) Evil!!! These guys know everything about us, our history, culture, customs, etc.
They always have one completely disgusting habit like eating raw bacon or shedding their skin every 4 hours. This is like
V, who I know were really lizards but they disguised themselves as us. Or the Invaders.
II) Good!!! Much more common. They know absolutely nothing about us, which is what
makes them
a) innocent and child-like or
b) quirky but loveable. If there's only one of them (and there usually is), they will have one special friend,
a "guide" who usually turns out to be a love interest, which comes in handy because one of the first things they want to learn
about is sex. Not food, or swimming, or music, but sex. Always. Oh, and when I said that they know everything about us, of
course that excludes "language" which they of course know because it would be boring to watch three hours of Hooked On Phonics.
But they always ask "What is love?" "What is sex?" which also doesn't make sense because they know the words. I mean, they
know what "what" means and what "is" means, so why didn't the Grand Poobah who taught them language include definitions of
common nouns? These kinds of aliens are like Mork and 3rd Rock From The Sun and that movie Starman.
You might think the guys from Cocoon are the Good-Looking kind, but they're not. They didn't want
to learn about us. They were the Fuzzy/Furry kind. The difference is this: Are they learning about us, or are we learning
about them? What they look like doesn't matter so much.
Also, these alien types can be applied to robots, time travelers, witches and jeannies, bigfoot, and unfrozen
cavemen.
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