Well, I shouldn't say that. Standing at one of those trough-style communal urinals like they have in sports stadiums, in a line with twenty other guys all staring at the wall and pretending to be doing something other than holding their wee wees in one hand, that's more humiliating. But not much.

 

The thing about looking for a job is that you always feel like a street beggar, like a homeless guy playing a banjo in front of the Wal Mart.

 

Most of the problem is that I know that I don't want to still keep doing what I'm doing now, but that I'm not sure I know what it is I want to be doing.

 

Like today I went to church and while the congregation was singing hymns, the music lady was conducting us. I mean actually conducting, waving her arms in these huge arcs, little flourishes with her hands and fingers, back and forth, up and down, looking very serious and very enthusiastic.

 

And I just kept thinking, does she know that no one is watching her? I mean, her arm movements weren't even matching the song that well. We could have been singing You Can't Always Get What You Want (which come to think of it, isn't such a bad song for church, as it pretty much sums up the Old Testament, anyway) and her arms would be doing the same exact thing.

 

I've been in a lot of congregations and sung a lot of hymns. I made all-county chorus twice in high school. And I have never once gotten any help at all from watching this person pointlessly wave their arms all over the place. You know, people know these songs. It's why they practice and rehearse. Nothing that this person does up at the front is going to affect the way that they sing.

 

It would be funny though, if it did, and people in the choir sang exactly the way that the conductor waved her arms. And then, say, a bee flew in the room and she tried to swat it and the people started singing an entirely different song or something. Or singing really fast.

 

Anyway, conducting a choir seems like one of the most pointless jobs there is. Hardly anyone in church even wants to sing, anyway. They make up excuses about not being in the choir, and if they sing at all in the congregation it's in a half-ass way like mumbling.

 

I did watch her pretty closely today, though. She really did seem to like what she was doing. Or maybe she just wanted everyone to know she was there. Hey, look at me, up here, I'm important! Me, me, me!

 

I know for certain that I don't need a conductor to help me sing in church, but as I was sitting there in church I started thinking that it would be nice to have someone like this for other areas of my life. I guess traffic cops are kind of like this, and the old Chinese guy from The Karate Kid. You know, they kind of stand there saying, go this way, stand here, wax on, wax off...and like the karate kid, you might not know what you're doing or why, but in the end it all makes sense.

 

But like a real conductor, you probably wouldn't pay any mind to them.

 

And then it occurred to me, isn't that kind of what the preacher is actually trying to do, guide and direct us with his wisdom? And here I am thinking about the Karate Kid. Maybe there's a lesson here. Maybe if I think really hard I'll figure out what it is.

 

Oh, wait. Nevermind.

 

I just need a new job....