Now, Eli was a Levite and High Priest. Being a High Priest was a big deal, even though its hard to understand now because we don't have anything even remotely like it. I mean, the High Priest had to be this righteous, stand-up guy with impeccable credentials. I guess kind of like we expect politicians to be, maybe, even though none of them are.

 

Eli had another role, though. He was a Judge. Being a judge was a big deal, too. That's where all the power was. The Judge rode around to all these little villages and towns and settled disputes. His word was law. No kidding. The story is that, at a time when every nation and city-state had a King, Israel had Judges. You know, they said that God was their King, they didn't need anyone else. Which in a way, you kind of think is lame, like saying "God is my co-pilot", but in another way you kind of think, what better King could you ask for?

 

Now, Eli had two sons with weird names, and they were asshats. I mean, they were supposed to be these righteous, holy men, and they just so totally weren't. They lied and took bribes and raised all kind of hell. Today folks might not care too much about that kind of thing, but back then it was a big deal.

 

So, all these folks went to Eli and told him, get these doofwads out of here. They didn't want folks like that running their Temple. And even though Eli was a good guy, he wouldn't do it. The people knew that one of these guys was going to wind up as High Priest when Eli died, and they didn't like it.

 

So....both Eli's sons were killed in a battle. It was a big battle against the Philistines, and the Philistines carried off the Ark of the Covenant. And believe me, you know how bad it would have been if the Nazis had gotten the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of The Lost Ark? That's how bad this was. And when Eli found out about it, he fell backwards out of his chair and he died, too.

 

I don't know why Hannah thought this was a good idea. I mean, Eli might have been a good guy, but his sons were such hell-raisers, I think it should have been obvious to anyone that, whatever Eli's character was, he just basically sucked at parenting. Anyway, that's what I would have thought.

 

But Samuel grew up to be a good guy anyway, just like Eli. And when it came time to find a new Priest, and a new Judge, well, Samuel was ready. In a way, Samuel was kind of like a President who gets elected with all these hopes and expectations that he'll fix all the crap that the idiot before him screwed up. Kind of like when everybody hated Herbert Hoover and blamed him for the Great Depression, and elected FDR on all these promises that he was going to fix everything.

 

And you know how FDR pushed through all this legislation to get everything back on track, it's the same way Samuel approached everything. He got the Israelites to turn away from their idolatry and went out and kicked the shit out of the Philistines. He built an altar at Shiloh and got everyone worshipping just like they were supposed to.

 

After that, there was a long time of peace and Samuel became the Judge and rode around to all these little towns and villages and everybody was pretty happy with the way things were.

 

But.....remember how I said that Eli sucked at parenting, even though he was a good guy himself? And how Samuel turned out just like Eli? Well, Samuel apparently learned his parenting skills from Eli, too, because both his sons were worthless, too. I think one of Samuel's sons was named Joel, which I remember because that's a normal name.

 

So basically the people came to Samuel and said, look, buddy, we tried it your way and this judge thing just ain't working out. They were tired of these corrupt judges and they wanted a King just like everyone else had.

 

Which is really kind of stupid. I mean, the judges became corrupt because of the power that they had, they started taking bribes and thinking they were more than they were. And a King, by definition, would have even more power than that.

 

So they all wanted a King and they bugged the crap out of him about it, and it seemed to me like God just said to Samuel, right, then, give them Saul. Now, on the surface, at first, Saul seemed ok. But that was just at first.

 

So, you know how you might make a plate of cupcakes and a little kid comes up to you and says "Can I have a cupcake?" and you say, "No" and he says "Can I have a cupcake?" and you're like, "No"

 

"Can I have a cupcake?"

"No"

 

Until finally you just take one of the cupcakes and lick the icing off and throw it in the dirt and step on it and say "There's your cupcake!"

 

Well, that's kind of how it was with Saul. They all drew lots for King and Saul won, and he was actually in hiding because he was afraid. When they finally got him to come out of hiding, everyone was impressed that he was the tallest one there. Like that qualified him to lead them.

 

And it was like God was saying "There's your king!"

 

Because even though he did ok at first, and had some minor victories, it wasn't long before the people started to realize that, even though he seemed like a pretty nice guy and even though he was really really tall, Saul was completely insane.

 

 

The first really stupid thing that Saul did was go to the Temple to offer a sacrifice. To you and me this might not seem like such a big deal, since we don't really understand what it all meant to the Israelites, so let me try to explain.

 

First of all, yes, it's true that they were directed by God to offer the sacrifice, but this directive came along with some very specific instructions. Page one of these instructions said that only the priests could offer the sacrifice....you know, like Eli, or Samuel, or any of their worthless sons.

 

Imagine it this way: you know how like on some old TV show, the most annoying character on the show would do something extraordinary, like save someone's life or get their picture in the paper or get a really high score on an IQ test, and then go around acting all cocky like they're an expert on whatever it is, or their the smartest person in the world, and just annoy the crap out of every other character on the show? And imagine that, just because they got a high score on an IQ test, they think they're qualified to give CPR or act as arbitrator in a hostage crisis. That's kind of what Saul did by offering the sacrifice himself. It was like saying "Hey, look at me, I'm the freakin' King of Israel!! I can do whatever I want!!" And all the other Israelites collectively roll their eyes and act like "Who does this guy think he is?"

 

 

Now, offering the sacrifice was foolish and arrogant. But Saul quickly moved past foolish and arrogant, and passed on into insane.

 

While his own son Jonathan was leading a charge against the Philistines, Saul ordered that the troops not eat or drink until the Philistines had been crushed. Imagine telling a guy fighting for his life that he or his men couldn't eat or drink until they won. What kind of insane crap is that?

 

Now, Jonathan is almost a whole 'nother story. He totally kicked ass. He was a brilliant leader and a man who had a heart for God. It was kind of like how Samuel was such an awesome guy but his sons were such jerk-offs, only in reverse.

 

Jonathan wouldn't obey his father's insane orders and Saul wanted him killed. Luckily for Jonathan, his men were loyal and refused to kill him. But it kind of started to dawn on these folks that maybe this king business wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Or maybe just this one particular King.

 

So, here's the situation. Samuel is an old guy and his sons are total screw-ups. The King of Israel is insane, but his son, Jonathan, is a military hero. Pretty much chaos.

 

And so, God tells Samuel to go to Bethlehem, and find a shepherd named Jesse. Jesse has eight sons, and among them you'll find the next King of Israel. Saul finds Jesse's youngest son, David, tending his flocks, and anoints him King of Israel. David might have thought all this was really cool, ok, but it didn't seem to phase him. He just went back to tending his flocks.

 

But, the Bible says that as the Spirit of the Lord fled from Saul, It descended upon David. David even served as musician and armor bearer to Saul. It might seem all weird and freaky, but just imagine all those young kids serving as pages in Washington, running back and forth in the Capitol, and what are the odds that one of them will be President one day?

 

Anyway, Jonathan and David become best friends. Saul even takes to him, not knowing that he's already been annointed....and if he had known, he almost surely would have tried to have him killed.

 

I say this with confidence because later on Saul was always trying to have him killed. There was this guy named Goliath, a Philistine, all the time challenging the Israelites and cursing their God. You all know this story, how David picked up a rock and killed Goliath. It's one of the first lessons we learn in Sunday School. What we don't learn, though, is how much this pissed off Saul.

 

See, David was like Rocky Balboa after he beat Apollo Creed, you know, how everyone loved him and he got his statue in Philadelphia and all that. And remember, Saul was the freakin' King of Israel, he didn't want anyone getting more attention or being more popular than he was.

 

So, now Saul's mission is to kill David.To me, this is where the story gets interesting, and kind of like that TV show The Fugitive where Richard Kimble wanders from town to town in search of the elusive one-armed man who can clear his name. Well, except there was no one-armed man.

 

Eventually, Jonathan and Saul both died in battle, and David went to Judah to be named King. There was a little seven-year Civil War between David and Ish-bosheth, Saul's only surviving son, but eventually David got everything straight, set up shop in Jerusalem, and made huge territorial gains.

 

David's story is interesting to me not because he was so strong and won so many battles, but because he was always screwing up so badly. Like he sees t his woman taking a bath and he sends her husband off to be killed so that he can have her....which I totally understand a guy wanting to do, just maybe not what you'd expect from a guy who'd already been described as "a man after God's own heart". The thing about David was not that he never screwed up, but that he owned up to it every time and repented and tried to make it right.

 

It seems like there should be a whole lot to say about Solomon, because his name is so famous and he was so wise. The truth is, Solomon inheirited the throne when things were pretty good. He was just coasting. And, like his father David, he started focusing on material things like land and political alliances, he took like 700 wives and had about a billion kids. Everyone talks about how wise Solomon was, but I don't see it. Solomon worshipped idols and taxed his own people into poverty. Even in his own personal life, how wise is it to have 700 wives, when most guys can't even handle one?

 

Anyway, that's about all there is to say about Solomon, except to say that he died, and his son Rehoboam (don't ask me how to pronounce that) took ver. Now, you know how you know the names of Samuel, and David, and even Solomon, but you never heard of Rehoboam? There's a reason for that.

 

The people came to Rehoboam and told him they needed relief, that his dad was such an ass and taxed them into poverty, they expected him to be different.Unfortunately, he was different....just not better.

 

Basically, the Kingdom split, with Israel in the North and Judah in the South. Israel lasted about 200 years and then they were conquered by the Assyrians.

 

Now, the Assyrians were the worst kind of conquerors, and they struck at the worst possible time. What I mean by that is that the Assyrians carried them off into captivity and desecrated the land, there was just nothing left of them after that.

 

Have you ever heard of the Lost Tribes of Israel? That was them. They were just gone, along with their religion and their culture and everything else.

 

It's significant at this point that the Assyrians didn't head south and capture Jerusalem, but I think I'll get to that later.

 

Jeremiah was just a regular ol' guy just bopping around Jerusalem trying to get by, when God spoke to him and told him to start preaching on the streets. Worse was what he was told to preach, which was judgement and repentance. Bad enough preaching something they might want to actually hear, but no one wants to hear about judgement and repentance. Least of all folks who are actually in need of it.

 

Over and over in the Old Testament you hear about how they would turn away from God, God would judge them, they would suffer and eventually repent, then they would prosper and turn away from God all over again. And here we are at the end of that cycle again, and Jeremiah was on the streets, preaching one simple message: Judgement is coming.

 

And some folks started listening, and some of them started doing what they were supposed to, and things even got a little better.

 

But still, he said, judgement is coming.

 

And sure enough, the Babylonians came. Now, what the Babylonians did was different than what the Assyrians did. The Babylonians took some of the Israelites away as slaves, but they kept them together and allowed them to retain their cultural identity. Some folks, it seemed like, didn't care what god you prayed to, because there was a hundred gods anyway, and one was just as good as any other.

 

Which goes back to what I was saying before, about the Assyrians not taking Jerusalem. If they had, there would have been no Israel left, not even a remnant. There would have been no Jesus, and by extension, no Christianity or Islam.

 

Not only that, but consider what the Israelites believed: That there was one God, a creator, a father, who loved us and cared for us. No one else believed that. To them, a god was something you made sacrifices to out of fear that he would smite you, kind of like some divine protection racket. To them, every little city and village had its own god, kind of like when you go to England and France and every little town and village has its own kind of cheese. This entire notion of God being a protector, a parent, a God of love and mercy, would have died with them.

 

If Israel had not split, it's likely that the Assyrians would have headed straight to Jerusalem and taken all of them. If the nation of Israel had not begun to turn from their idolatry before the Babylonians came, they would likely have not clung to the faith that they had when they were carried off into captivity.

 

I think about all this sometimes, and what it means, and how things happen like they're supposed to. Especially when things aren't going right, or don't turn out my way....sure it sucks, but what if there's a reason for it, and in the end, it turns out for the best? Hannah faced a difficult choice, after all, of leaving her baby with Eli. But look what all came of it.