Laid Off
I need a new job. Again.
The job I have right now is really really awesome. It involves talking on the phone all day, which is something I am
really good at. Talking, I mean. I'd started getting really good at this job when they announced they were closing my division.
Which sucks in so many ways I can't even count.
But I've been through it before. And in the last two years I have been through so much that this is hardly a bump in
the road. It's kind of like a guy who gets seasick all the time, and after he's out on the ocean for a month or so he just
gets used to it.
And so now I am back going through want ads and "network" meetings and job fairs, and Department of Labor stuff and placement
agencies. What a hassle.
The hardest thing is not really knowing what I want to do. It's not like I have this shining career. I do like sales
though, and customer service. What I really want to do is oil down Victoria's Secret models, but I'm not sure that's a real
job, even though I am really really sure that I would be the best model oiler ever.
The Lingo
When you're looking for work and you're hanging out with other folks who are looking for work, you get to know the lingo,
and what everyone says that they think everyone else wants to hear. Like, you're supposed to want a challenging position.
Employers like to hear that you want to be "challenged," I guess, and not just be a mindless bean-counter who falls asleep
at his desk. Being challenged is a good thing, it means being excited and enthusiastic about your work. The irony is that,
in another context, being "challenged" means that you're retarded.
I don't necessarilly want a job where I don't have to do anything, though I do think being challenged is over-rated.
Someone usually takes a job that challenges them, they learn it, they do it more and more, and eventually they get to doing
it very well. Then they move up the ladder to the next job, which obviously they can't do as well, but that's ok because they're
"challenged" to do better, and so they keep at it and then they get to do this job really well. And so on and on, until eventually
they get to a job that they can't do at all, and no matter how challenged they are by the work, they will never get better
at it because they're in way over their heads. It's at this point, when they're completely overwhelmed, totally incompetent,
have no idea how to do their jobs and are just screwing everything up for everyone else, that they usually hire me.
That's just one of those things that you're going to have to think about. Some of you more than others.
Another thing people say is that they want to be part of an organization offering growth potential. This is not at all
what it sounds like. Because it sounds like you want to join a company that will let you grow, professionally. What
you really want is a company that will grow all by itself no matter how badly you screw up, and won't go into Chapter 11 six
months after they hire you.
Why do I have to be challenged, and grow? I don't mind being bored, and sitting in a little windowless cubicle day after
day with no hope for advancement, not if it means that I won't have to worry about buy-outs or mergers, or having to deal
with the public and all the weird and stupid crap that comes along with it.
Why is this a bad thing? Isn't there one job out there that no one wants because the last three guys who took it dropped
dead of boredom? I don't want to be a hotshot on the fast-track to corporate success; I just want to be a cog in the
machine, who plugs away at his job and picks up his check every week, and who no one ever notices!
What's wrong with that? Why is it bad to want something simple and uncomplicated?
My Qualifications
Here is a brief list of my qualifications:
- I very seldom get bored, even when I have to do the same thing over and over, and on those rare occasions when I do get
bored, I don't mind it,
- I'm not a threat to anyone else's job security because I'm never going to try to take anyone else's place, and even if
I do ever get offered a promotion I will most likely not take it, unless it involves beer,
- No one is ever going to complain about my being offensive or politically incorrect, because I hardly ever even speak to
people who I work with, because I save all my insensitive and inappropriate comments for my family and friends,
- I don't make waves, I don't cause trouble or complain, and I'm never offended because I jsut don't even listen to other
people and fankly don't give a shit what they say or believe or what freaky-ass lifestyle they subscribe to, even though (and
I don't tell them this) I reserve the right to mock and judge them behind their backs,
- If the boss wants something done a certain way, I'm all for it; I don't believe in new things or innovation, or thinking
outside the box....I happen to believe that the box is there for a reason, and I don't want to be responsible for screwing
everything up by getting rid of it.
Now, these are all very general qualifications, and can be applied anywhere. But I can tailor my resume to any job that
I apply for. Like, if I apply at a realtor's office, I won't embarrass myself by saying the word wrong, and will let them
know right off the bat that it's "reel-TOR" or "ree-AHL-tor", and not "ree-LAH-tor" like more idiots say on earth and on TV.
I'm also really polite. Like, now people say "Have a nice day" and totally don't mean it, and even if they did there would
really be no way to tell because the phrase has lost all meaning. Well, see, I don't even say that. I say "Have a great day!"
And not just that, I hit the "ate" part, and I drag out the "gr" very subtly, "Have a grrEAT day!" It's no more sincere than
the other one, but most folks totally buy it.
Conclusion: Please please please hire me. Please.
I don't mean to make it sound like I don't want to do a good job. I totally do, like, not just be a bean-counter, but to
be the best damn bean-counter that ever was, and never miss a bean. Just don't ask me to come in on Saturday, or work through
lunch.
