I haven't read The Da Vinci Code and I don't think I will. Not because I find it objectionable or because it doesn't interest me, but just because I don't want to invest that much time into something that stupid. If I could somehow read it in 15 minutes, I probably would. But then, that could be said about a great many things I would do if I could do them in 15 minutes.

Anyway, since there really is no way to form an intelligent opinion about a book without actually reading it, I've decided just to have an opinion based on what I've heard other people say. Because, you know, screw it.

The first thing I know about The Da Vinci Code is that it says that Jesus got married and had kids. There doesn't seem to be much basis for this, and although it goes against everything that everyone has ever believed or thought about Jesus before, I don't really see what's the big deal. Back then, it was expected that if you reached a certain age, you would be married. If someone like Jesus wasn't married, and was all neat and hung out with sweaty fisherman, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have needed anything else to accuse Him of to just go on and kill him.

If Jesus did have kids, they were probably very well-behaved. At least I imagine that they wouldn't be all rebellious and stuff, though I don't have any basis for that, either. Even just knowing Jesus and being His friend was probably kind of weird, but to be related to Him would probably give you all kinds of issues. Like being His sibling or cousin, like James or John the Baptist....how could you ever compete with Jesus?

Oh yeah, Jesus! He's perfect!

 

I don't know if it's the idea that Jesus was married that upsets people, or the idea that He may have had sex. For some reason, religious people don't want anyone to have sex, or talk about sex, and especially to never enjoy sex. Priests and nuns never have sex. Popes never have sex.

Catholics even think that Mary and Joseph never had sex, even after they were married. They think this even though Jesus had brothers and sisters. To me, this would seem to say a lot more about the character of Joseph than about Mary, because believe me, I know from experience that women can go without it a lot longer than most men can. I'm sure there were nights when Joseph would be like "Come on, honey! He won't wake up, He never wakes up!"

 

If its true, I think Jesus was probably a good husband, even though He was on the road a lot. I wonder if it would have made a good 60's sitcom, like I Married A Messiah, and Jesus' wife is always coming up with wacky schemes to get included in the Bible.

To me, arguing about whether Jesus was married or not, is kind of like arguing about which way He unrolled the toilet paper. It wouldn't change His message or what He did or Who He was. It's like thinking someone is a talented singer or actor and then wanting to know what their favorite food is. Worse, it's like not knowing what their favorite food is, and then arguing with other people who don't have any idea either.

 

To me, the truth in the Bible is not where someone lived 2000 years ago, and I don't need all the history and archaeology to show me that it's all accurate and true. To me,. the truth is about love and mercy and loving your neighbor and not judging one another, and I know that's true because I see the truth of it in my everyday life. I don't need historical documents and archaeology and biology and some secret code hidden in Corn Flakes

 

My friend Rosalie says that religious people must like sex, because they always have so many kids. I think that's true. Plus, every time you turn around, some religious leader is involved in some sex scandal or other. Just like everyone else, I'm sure religious people like sex. And regular people love that, they say that it just shows how religious people are just like everyone else and so the Bible must be wrong.

Maybe someone is reading a different Bible than me, though. Because in my Bible, the religious people were the only ones Jesus ever criticized. He never said anything about homosexuals, and every time He met a whore or a leper, He forgave them and healed them and told them to get lost

This has gotten way too preachy.

Anyway, the fact is that religious people do have lots of kids, and I think I know why.

One reason could be that their parents hated sex and so they never talked about it to them, so they grew up never being told where babies come from. So they don't realize where all the babies are coming from, or made the connection between having sex and getting pregnant.

The other reason could be that they have to make more religious people and they're trying to get ahead of everyone else. Usually it doesn't work, though, and kids of religious people don't grow up to be religious themselves, and the reasons for that are obvious. But I guess on some level, religious people think it's easier to grow their own new religious people from scratch, than to have to go out and convert other people who aren't religious already.

 

I know that this has gotten way off the topic of The Da Vinci Code, but so what?

 

Shut up.