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I love Chinese food, and Chinese restaurants. I love Chinese waitresses even though I can't get any of them to agree
to go out with me. I don't know why. I used to think it was because they barely spoke English, but then I started to notice
that they didn't seem to have any trouble with words like "no," "creepy," or "restraining order".
Anyway, Chinese food is not like Mexican food: Mexican food is basically corn, beef, and cheese, with very little variation,
which is kind of weird when you consider that, when you think of Mexico, you think of crushing poverty, and you woiuld
think that a country that poor would be known for eating anything that moves. There's all kinds of Chinese food, though, and
not just different sauces and spices, but even different kinds of noodles and even differnt ways to cook rice.
With as much variety in their food then, you'd think they would have a little more originality in the way they name their
restaurants. But I think there must be one Chinese guy who lives in a penthouse and everyone who wants to open a Chinese restaurant
goes to him and he assigns them names using a Random Chinese Restaurant Name Generator much like this one:
I imagine that it's a bronze plate that he keeps wrapped in red velvet, and he can only take it out after the petitioner
performs an elaborate ceremonial ritual involving hot tea and huge amounts of hallucinogens that come in little packets of
soy sauce that a delivery guy in a paper hat brings.
I don't know why I just said that. Or why I do any of this. Maybe I'm retarded.
(From The Mailbag, July 8, 2006)
I really liked the Random Chinese Restrant thingy you did, even though I didn't really get it. So what if all the
Chinese restrants have the same kind names? -Joey
Well, Joey, I hate to break it to you, but if you understood that Chinese Restaurants all seem
to have similar names, then you really do get it, even if you don't think it's funny. And it totally is funny, so if you don't
think it is then there's something seriously wrong with you. Plus the fact that you can't spell the word "restaurant".
By the way, how old are you?
Anyway, I always like to think of what I would name my restaurants and small businesses, and I thought I would
share some with you:
My Danish Restaurant:
I don't know that there really are such things as Danish Restaurants, or even what Danish people eat. I know they make
some pretty decent wedding cookies, but beyond that I'm not really sure. Anyway, here is the sign that would hang over my
Danish Restaurant:
My Pizza Place:
We mostly just deliver. And if you don't answer the door we bust it down with an axe. I know this is a caricature of
Jack Nicholson from The Shining, and not from Five Easy Pieces, but I just loved this idea of Nicholson's
face jammed between two pizzas.
The only other name for a pizza place that I liked was "Pizzas of Eight" but there really is a place called "Pizzas of
Eight" in Six Flags Over Georgia, and when I was a kid me and my friends would go there and sit at a table for like 30 minutes
until someone came over and asked what were we doing taking up a table, and then we would say that we ordered 3 large pizzas
(and paid at the counter, like you were supposed to) and Where the hell were our pizzas anyway?!?! And then they
would say how sorry they were and bring us our pizzas and we would act all pissed off until we left, when we would just laugh
and laugh. It was such an easy con and the people who worked there were so stupid that it put me off naming a restaurant "Pizzas
of Eight" but the more I thought about this one, the more I liked it:
(Update October 5, 2006)
I thought of a new fake Chinese Restaurant name!!!
(Update February 18, 2007)
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