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In Philadelphia, people think Rocky Balboa is a real person. On some level they must know that he's made-up, since they
can see him on TV, but I bet like every time Sylvester Stallone walks down the street they're all like "Hey, Rocky!" and telling
their friends "Hey, that's where Rocky lives" and whatever. The ironic thing about is that Rocky is even less like a real
person than he is like a cartoon.
What I mean is, you go to a Rocky movie and you know exactly how it's going to end; you know that the story is going
to manipulate you into believing that he's against incredible odds and there will be an enormous emotional payoff at the end
when he triumphs. And even though you know all of this going into it, before the movie even starts, there's still something
satisfying about that moment of triumph.
In the beginning there seemed to be a pattern, that Rocky was building to this crescendo, and when he fought the Russian
dude, it seemed like he was representing all of us, he was America. The only place I saw him going after that was representing
all of earth in an intergalactic championship. That would have been really awesome, and when they came out with that movie
called Alien Vs. Predator, I was kind of hopeful, because if those two successful movie franchises can combine like
that, it's only a short step to having Rocky Balboa taking on whichever one was left standing.
In fact, as I was writing this it occured to me that they also made that Freddy Vs. Jason movie, and it
seems like Rocky could easily take on either of them. Maybe there could be aliens and supernatural entities all fighting each
other and Rocky just takes on whoever isn't dead.
That would be awesome.
I spent like 20 minutes making this diagram and another 20 minutes thinking how very very sad my life has become:
I read this interview with Sylvester Stallone where he said that he decided to kill off Talia Shire's character in this
latest Rocky movie, because he couldn't think of anything else for her to do but stand around wringing her hands and saying
"Don't do this, Rocky!" Which makes a lot of sense to me, but it doesn't explain why he didn't kill her off after the second
movie, because it's all she pretty much ever did. She was probably the most unsupportive spouse in popular culture, and it
makes me wonder what he saw in her. She never was there at the ringside yelling "Kick his ass! Get him!" She was even telling
him to quit while he was actually in the ring, winning the fight.
It's a good thing she's not married to Mick Jagger. Or, no, wait, I mean it's not a good thing. She could be
like telling everyone "My husband is retired! He doesn't strut like that anymore!" and like going into the studio crying,
and yelling through the glass "Stop it, Mick! Don't you know you suck?"
It would be kind of funny if she was married to Rambo and was always telling him not to go to Vietnam and Afghanistan.
Or, no, wait, that wouldn't be funny at all.
Doesn't Rocky retire at the end of every movie? Stallone said that he was supposed to die at the end of Rocky V,
which I'm sure a lot of people will be wishing he had after they watch Rocky VI.
Anyway, whatever. Merry Christmas.
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