Like when you see something start to come up in your yard, and you know its a plant but you're not sure if you give it
enough time what it'll turn into. Will it be like a beautiful flower, pretty and nice to have around but not of much use for
anything? Will it be like the mighty oak, towering and strong and able to weather any storm? Or will it be like those killer
tomatoes, or that man-eating flower on Little Shop of Horrors?
The worst part for me is not knowing. I really like this one but does she really like me? And if she does really like
me, does she really really like me? And even if she does really really like me, what are the odds
that I'm going to say something completely bone-headed or psychotic to scare her away? Even if it is someone that I met online,
who I assume already knows that I listed my occupation as "Badass Ninja Superspy" and that I spend my free time wandering
from town to town in search of the elusive one-armed man who can clear my name, if insane science fiction and cheesy pop culture
references can be said to exist in some vast secret underground, then I hit the motherlode somewhere.
I think it was Einstein who said that while there seems to be a limit to how intelligent man becomes, his capacity
for stupidity knows no bounds. With that in mind, my strategy has always been to keep others expectations low, and then dazzle
them with mediocrity.
It doesn't seem like enough to meet a woman and decide that you want to pursue her, even if you are freakishly compatible.
It's like when you call her and she doesn't answer and doesn't call back in 10 minutes, you tell yourself it's over, she's
not into you, she was never interested in you, you spend an hour or two convincing yourself that you don't even care and then
she calls and you play it off like you forgot you ever left a message in the first place. She likes strong men, leaders, and
detests passivity, so you try to express yourself but you start to wonder how much is too much, because while she wants you
to be all assertive, she's also a modern, independent woman. And it's all so weird and insecure and psychotic that if she
ever had the faintest inkling how easily she could throw you off balance, for it would be like Lois Lane accidentally discovering
Kryptonite.
And so, with all this in mind, my plan was always just to pursue women I didn't want, and then I wouldn't care how
it worked out. My ideal women were always like Rosalie and Adrienne and Dru, who were way too young for me and lived
thousands of miles away and I only knew from online.
I'm not even sure if this will be a "relationship". But unlike every other woman I've been out with the past year, I'm
pretty sure this time that I want it to be. I always look forward to talking to her. I don't compare her to anyone else (except
like Jennifer Garner in that leather Elektra ninja outfit). I want to make her happy just so that she can be happy. I don't
wonder if she's the right one for me as much, maybe, as if I could be the one for her. I don't know. Maybe this will wear
off.
But even if it seems pretty good right now, I know it's still kind of like seeing something far off in the distance and
forgetting that that's where we usually see mirages that turn out to be nothing more than just more damn sand.
Maybe I'm not saying it right. Who cares anyway?
