I am always coming up with ideas so that I can make a million dollars, and I text them to Jennifer at
random intervals. However, lacking money, time, business acumen, or any ambition at all, I just keep track
of my ideas by posting them on this website that no one reads.
Our Spokesmodel
Candy Fingernails
As far as I know, no one has ever actually manufactured candy fingernails, although it just seems so natural that it's
amazing no one thought of this 100 milion years ago, and there aren't cave drawings of kids being chased by dinosaurs
and chewing on their candy fingernails.
It's been at least since caveman days that mothers have been teaching their kids not to chew on their fingernails, and
not long after that since women have been self-concious about it, and thought the practice makes them unattractive.
Press-On Candy fingernails are the perfect solution for parents who have just given up ever trying to teach their kids
self-discipine. They say to your kids "Just go ahead and do whatever we've been trying to teach you not to." They can also
be marketed to young adults who've just moved out of strict, repressive homes, who want a safe and much less disgusting way
to say to their parents "Hey look at me, I can bite my fingernails all I want, and the candy-making geniuses at the Press-On
Candy Fingernails Company will back me up on that." Also a much less wordy way to say that last thing, too.
You know those candy necklaces that kind of taste like sweettarts and don't look anything like a real necklace that a
person would actually wear? That's how the candy fingernails would look initially. But then you know how there's really expensive
candy that only grown-ups eat, like Dove chocolates or those chocolate balls rolled in chopped up nuts and wrapped in foil?
That's how I'm thinking of the grown up Press-On Candy Fingernails: Not necessarilly chocolate, but all expensive and grown
up like gourmet Jolly Ranchers shaped like fingernails.
A Camera That Looks Like A Gun
I don't know for sure but I imagine one of the scariest things in the entire universe would be staring down the barrel
of a gun, knowing you're about to die.
Say Cheese!!!!
Also, again, I don't know for sure, but I imagine that one of the most pants-crapping scarediest human expressions is
the one a face makes right before a bullet tears through it.
Unfortunately, unless you're a cold-blooded insane killer who's actually looked someone in the face as you've pulled
the trigger and watched them die, no one really knows what this expression looks like.
This is what gave me the idea for the Camera That Looks Like A Gun. Just point and click, and you'll know what people
look like when they think they're about to die. Just think of how fun that would be. You could have a booth like at a county
fair that sold pictures of people to show them what they looked like when they thought they were about to die. You'd have
to keep it real, and so every 10th or 20th one you would probably have to actually shoot someone, but that's what signed releases
are for.
Also, if I'm going to sell these, I'm going to recommend that The Camera That Looks Like A Gun not be used to take candid
shots of high-ranking government officials or members of their immediate families.
Hamburgers Made Out Of Hotdogs
Once on The Cosby Show, Theo and Cliff talked about making "Bacon Burger Dogs". As far as I know, they never
explained what the bacon burger dog was made out of, but it did look like something that was on a hamburger bun and not a
hot dog bun.
It got in my head and for years it just bounced around in there for many years. I watched every episode of The Cosby
Show and I never saw a meat grinder in their kitchen, nor did I ever see one of these devices that makes hot dog-shaped hamburgers, so I can only assume that a Burger Dog was just hot dogs cut vertically and laid out on a hamburger bun.
This idea is neither one of those ideas, and yet both of those ideas at the same time, and also the complete opposite
of both of those ideas combined. Did I just blow your mind with the complete awesomivity of this idea?? If not, you must be
dead inside.
Because what I'm talking about is the total and complete deliciousness of a hotdog but in the awesomely convenient form
of a hamburger. So, basically, a hot dog in the shape of a hamburger. It's a two-pronged idea: First, it would be pre-cooked
and pre-packaged hot dog burgers, but also a meat grinder that would turn regular hot dogs into ground meat that could then
be shaped into burgers and cooked.
The TV That Won't Turn Off
...So then burglars will always think you're home. There's not much more to say about this one, it's pretty self-explanatory.
The Bluetooth Car Alarm That Takes A Picture Of The Douchebag Who Is Stealing Your Car and Forwards The
Picture To Your Cell Phone And To The 911 Operator
