Just kidding!

 

Really.

 

I've always been kind of boring and never really was much for getting into trouble. I was always the one who got in trouble for just kind of standing there while everyone else did stuff and then we all got caught for it. And if you think that you can't get in trouble for just standing there doing nothing while all your friends set fire to stuff, well then let me be the very first to tell you that you totally can!!! In fact, most times no one will ever even ask what did you, personally, do; they'll just see you standing there with the guys that they already know did it, and then everyone goes to jail.

 

It's true, I swear.

 

I didn't do anything. Ever.

 

I think if I ever did do something, though, I wouldn't be like those folks on Law & Order who lie about everything, and are so convincing they even fool the police. I mean, say just some regular guy kills someone and then the police say "Where were you?" and then he says "I was fishing with my son," and then they're convicting someone else for the crime and there's five minutes left of the episode and then  the junior assistant district attorney says "Hey, isn't that fishing lake closed on Sundays?"

 

I'm not advocating that people lie, and if I thought for one second that the crap I posted here affected anyone's life on that level, I would use my position to influence them, Please, for the love of God, don't ever murder anyone! But if you do murder someone, please, don't ever lie to the police about it! But just don't ever do it!

 

Having said that, my point is just that I totally cannot lie that way. Not that I'm morally superior, just that I am absolutely the worst liar in the world.

 

Like, Lenny and the other detective would not even be suspecting me, and just casually say, "You know, we have to ask: Where were you Thursday night?"

 

And my eyes would dart madly from side to side, and I would start sweating, and go "Cribbage! A cribbage tournament, in...um, Idaho! Yeah, visiting my grandmother in Idaho for a cribbage tournament!"

 

Yes, I would say this despite the fact that I already know it will take them two seconds to discover that my grandmother lives in Pennsylvania, and that I've never even been to Idaho. It will take them considerably less time to discover that I don't even know what cribbage is and up until about 2 months ago I had always associated the word with "cabbage". I mean someone would say "cribbage" and I would think, like, cole slaw.

 

The worst part is that I'm even being optimistic here, and most likely I would just freak out and confess right there on the spot. It would be the shortest episode of Law & Order ever.

 

I don't think the life of a criminal is for me. I would probably wind up like The Fugitive. Except instead of murder, I would be wanted for something really stupid like running stop signs. And instead of being really really smart and eluding the police for years, I wouldn't even get to the end of the block. Again, a really short show.

 

I'm fortunate to have never been convicted of a felony, mostly so that I've never had to be in prison, but also so that I can work on a job that doesn't require either paper hats or shovels. I don't know for a fact that convicted felons can't get good jobs, but I do know that they ask about convictions on every single job application you could ever fill out. They can't ask if you've ever been arrested, only convicted, but they can get around it by asking if you've ever been bonded. If you don't know what that means, then you've never been bonded.

 

And before I go, let me reiterate: don't murder anyone, and don't ever lie to the police.