Note: This page was very hard to write as it describes my feelings, good and bad, about the placement of my daughter. However I felt that it was very important to write so that people may understand that no matter how GREAT the situation is, a birthmother still grieves and will never be able to just go on as usual after placement. I also wrote it to let other birthmothers know how important it is to acknowledge your right to feel those feelings.
I have had some turbulent times since placement. A month after Kayla's birth I left for my second year of college thinking that everything would be fine...after all I had the ideal situation, what did I have to be upset about? I jumped back into life...full time student, working 25 hours a week, and doing "just fine". Except I cried myself to sleep every night and some days I wouldn't even get out of bed. But I didn't let people know...I pretended that everything was fine. I saw other students with their kids on campus and thought: maybe I didn't try hard enough to find a way to keep my baby. I was haunted by the "what ifs"...I never regretted my decision but I wondered what things would have been like if I had chosen to parent.
I tried to push these feelings to the side. I felt so lost I didn't know what to do. So, I started to live the life that everyone expected of a college student. I rarely went to all of my classes, worked late...partied even later and tried to fill the emptiness in my life. Luckily, I was still so bitter over my relationship with the birthfather that I didn't try to fill that void with other guys...I hated all men and wasn't afraid to tell every guy I met exactly what I thought.
Then one day I took a look at my life and saw what a mess it was. I had finished fall quarter with a 1.68 GPA and was put on Academic Probation. I was drinking way too much and I didn't even like the people that I called "friends".
So I started to get my life in order...I started going to church, quit partying, got a different job, and started going to class. Most important of all I started to allow myself to mourn. I understood that I had a wonderful situation: a beautiful daughter, a great set of adoptive parents, and the ability to visit and have contact. But I still felt a pain and loss...and it was normal and I needed to feel these emotions.
I don't think that those feelings will ever fully go away. I will always mourn for the life that I could have had as Kayla's mommy, but I will never regret the decision that I made...I love Kayla and her parents.
Lately the bad days have been fewer and fewer...I am working through my different emotions and finding a peace and order in my life again. Every time I go and visit...I see the wonderful child that we all share...how happy she is and see how much her parents love her and I know that I made the right choice. I look forward to the years ahead and watching "our" beautiful Kayla grow up.
