Season 3



"Nearer My God to Thee"

"Fits Like a Glove"

"Extreme Unction"

"A Model Citizen"

Written by Noel Behn Story by Tom Fontana and Jorge Zamacona

Directed by John McNaughton

Romper, Bomper, Stomper Boo - Make Way for King Twinklehead! Aka "The Cuffoon Episode" - Lewis falls for artist Emma Zoole but she's not interested in sharing her Yogi Tea with him at all. But Meldrick is so smitten he smells his hands AND eats cous-cous in hopes of winning his ghoulish lady fair. Tim forces Munch to go to Alcohol Awareness training where he pisses off the instructor and gets tossed on his can. The Brother From Another Planet (Joe Morton) turns up as Gee's friend, editor of The Black Voice paper as he tries to get the detectives to help him out. Turns out Wilgis is suing Frank but he should be grateful because if all her alters had sued he woulda been tied up in court for centuries. Tim and Emma take one look at each other and that is it, Pure Lust at first site. They go on a "date" and end up in Emma's custom built Cuffoon for two.  Someone on the KP list said that the episode needed to be labeled - "No animals were harmed in the filming of this episode" due to the wild nature of the Bayliss-Zoole coupling and I have to agree. Bayliss tells Beau the next morning in the John, bragging that sex in the Cuffoon was the best ever as he moans that Mel will be pissed. Beau has the loosest lips this side of the Block and tells everyone in the squad room about the Cuffoon, turning Tim into the squad room joke. Meldrick gets his heart broken as he hears and calls Tim a "disloyal son-of-a-bitch" and the bar partnership is thrown into shambles. Tim goes to break up with Emma and ends up horizontal in the Cuffoon again. Munch and Kay end up trying to get a gun out of a house after one idiot boy plays with the gun and plugs brother dearest right in the gut, lying about it stubbornly even as Munch and Kay prove he is a lying liar. Beth Felton dumps Beau and carts away all the household lumber while he is at work, her wackiest stunt yet. (by Gator_xx)

"Happy to Be Here"

Written by Julie Martin Story by Tom Fontana

Directed by Lee Bonner

Bayliss awakens in the Cuffoon and has morning nookie with Emma (Hey, you know this is TV because no one cringed at morning breath and no one had to pee) They make out in the morgue (kinky) and Bayliss confronts her boyfriend Andy in a fit of testosterone laden rage. But it is all for naught as Emma dumps Tim for not "fighting" with her, huh? Stupidest reason I have ever heard for a breakup.  Meldrick and Bolander play Ring Around the Corner Boy as they work through who wacked Sam Thorne the newspaper publisher. Turns out the price of the hit was one bicycle, damn I hate cheap labor. Danvers sends Kay flowers. As she puts them in the spare office coffee pot for a vase Munch chimes in with "Flowers are like women, they're expensive and smell nice" Tim tries to drown his sorrows Post-Emma in cookies and beer but finds himself 11 cents short at the register. The officious clerk refuses to spot him the dough so he pulls his pistol and takes the stuff. The cops arrive as Tim downs beers in his jeep and Frank volunteers Tim as a night watchman if the store drops the charges. The epi ends with a sad Bayliss watching a happy couple on a motorcycle as he plays Rent-A-Copper at the liquor store. (by Gator_xx)


Written by James Yoshimura; story by Tom Fontana and James Yoshimura

Directed by Whitney Ransick

This is my all-time favorite episode of Homicide, beginning with that wonderful opening dialogue between Munch and Bolander ending in John's explanation of his renaissance  man status. But Munch's words struck me as so much empty posturing as though he is desperately attempting to convince himself more than anyone else. Also how does he know so much about bird shit? Gee's golden words, "I'm a poster boy for Crisco" and his rant on doctors, diets and other things health-related was too funny. The black humor continued on to Kay and Beau razzing Meldrick about how he musta bumped off Crosetti and hidden his body in the trunk of a Cavalier, sort of ominously foreshadowing the coming bad news. Then the episode veered into the tragic as Gee wordlessly handed over Crosetti's things to Lewis in one of the more heartbreaking and poignant scenes of the night. Crosetti's death makes everyone on the squad contemplate their own mortality. Was the Lorena Watson case (mother hung her five year old) his "Adena Watson", did it drive him over the edge? Of course, Ice Berg Frank reacts with his typical cold facade forcing Tim into nagging him relentlessly about his parking and cookie haggling. Once back in the squad room you can tell nearly everyone is irked by Franks behavior, viewing it as disrespect to Steve.  Typically Barnfather et al behaved as sub-human cretins by not allowing an honor guard for Steve because there was question as to how he died. Gee shows his fatherlyness and gentle side in his handling of Crosetti's' daughter. Kay also shows that unexpected tender side when she tries to comfort Lewis as he packs up the contents of Steve's desk. The Munch sibling rivalry rears it's ugly head as John and Tim attempt to pick out a casket and make the final arrangements leading Tim to make a funny comment about holiday dinners in the Munch household. Both brothers have the same bitter humor but poor Bernard is a tad prissy and pissy. Bayliss seems a little too interested in the Cuffoons for my tastes too. Stan's refuses to make a murder out of a suicide no matter what anyone else thinks and when the truth of what happened truly hits Lewis it is Stan that comforts him, enfolding him into a bear hug (Warning! Kleenex alert!) Everyone heaps distain on Frank as they prepare for the post-funeral reception at the homicide unit from Kay calling Frank "A selfish jerk" to Munch's parting shot as they leave for the funeral, a sarcastic, "Take care, Frank." The Jazz funeral was a nice touch, in fact all the music for this episode is powerful and right on target. There were a couple interesting post-funeral giggles as Timmy frets about the number of cookies and Beatrice's uncle and aunt quarrel over him looking at Howards red hair. Meldrick utters one of my favorite bits of dialogue from the show with his, "The New Orleans bits a bit much, but hey, it's Gumbo" The expressions on the detectives faces as they follow the hearse through the streets are revealing and heart wrenching at the same time. But it's Franks one man honor guard on the steps of the station  house that provide the series deepest and most touching moment (Second Kleenex alert!). (By Gator_xx)


"The Last of the Watermen"

"All Through the House"

Written by Henry Bromell

Directed by Peter Medak

The usual Christmas time fare of the television shows is sickenly sugar-laden enough to gag anyone over the age of 10, but not Homicide (Thank you God!) No treaclely sweet carols sang in front of a fake, roaring fire with perfect yuletide decorations and Martha Stewart on hand to guilt-trip you into making cookies. Instead we get treated to an anti-Christmas rant by Munch as the squad decorates a tree that looks like they had to beat up Charlie Brown to get. Russert and Lewis get to chase down Boots Chiggins for mistaking Whitney Freeman for the Yule Log and setting her alike. Turns out the Missus did the actual lighting o' the log. Munch and Stan pull the killing of a Salvation Army Santa (The killer must have been playing Salavation Santa game at Turns out Wino Saint Nick has a kid waiting at home, a kid more smart-assed  than Munch (if that is possible) Munch gets stuck with waiting for social services and gets treated to abuse for hitting baseballs like a girl, bad horror movies and ice cream while it's snowing. Turns out Fidel, Munch's pint-sized tormenter, is not an orphan, his dad was robbed of his Santa Suit by someone that wanted to ring them bells for spare change. Bayliss stupidly tries to hustle Gee at Hearts, losing all his dough to his boss. The only concession to the feel-good season occurs at the end of the episode as the squad staggers out into the dawn only to see it is snowing again, causing them to have a snowball fight. (by Gator_xx)

"Every Mother's Son"

"From Cradle to Grave"


Written by David Rupel Story by Tom Fontana and Julie Martin

Directed by John McNaughton

This episode was one of those rare ones that seemed to be mostly a waste of time. The main focus was on Megan Russert and her old partner Doug, oh and a blatant attempt by TPTB to have a "socially relevant issue" featured (spousal abuse). They picked just the wrong issue to show around me because I used to do spousal abuse investigations for the military and their version had so many huge holes in it that you coulda driven a FLEET of Bradley APV followed by Hummers through it. Maria Delgado cheezed off Tim by her press piss-a-thon on Frank, causing Tim to chew her out and kick her van. We were treated to the spectacle of Domestic Frank - Househusband of  Fortune. Anal to the end as he harangued Mary about the proper way to load the dishwasher and obsessed over what to cook for dinner. Mary, please slap some sense back into that man! Megan Russert bowling and duck-pin bowlng at that, was an odd sight. Laughed at Tim subsiding on the typical cop diet of jelly doughnut and coffee before wandering into Gee's office. Gee was more interested in Tim's jelly doughnut than anything Tim had to say. What was Tim doing carrying that damn doughnut around anyway? Gee, of course, had to go into the coffee room and score his very own jelly doughnut and he walked through the squad room contemplating it as it were a sacred object as Tim and Meldrick bickered over who gets to drive the Cavalier. Meldrick demonstrates yet again, why he should never be allowed to drive a Cavalier as he drives in reverse as Tim freaks out before whipping around the corner and smacking right into the M.E.'s van giving poor Timmy a slight roadmap injury. Bayliss does some bizarre gymnastics to get out of the car, over the car before collapsing at Scheiner's feet. Scheiner tells Lewis, "Put him in the van."  Frank shows up at the Waterfront as Tim prepares for the opening, "What are you doing here, Frank?" Frank replies, "I burned the chicken" - way to go galloping gourmet. Tim starts nearly begging Frank to come back and partner with him, getting almost seductive at one point. Ugh, and then back to Megan and Doug. If she was so close to the couple, how could she had not known! Gee leans on Frank to cave on his testimony in the case of the false report filed by Congressman Wade, even appealing to Pembleton's pride (the one thing he has in spades.) Surprise, surprise, Frank folds faster than Superman on laundry day but he does have some harsh things to say to Commissioner Harris when he attempts to placate Frank. Megan at the hospital disgusts me as she listens to her friend say all the stupid enabling things victims of spousal abuse always spout. I would be interested to see what the statistics are on police officers and spousal abuse, wonder if a higher percentage than the general public beat their wives? Frank burns the roast proving once and for all that he needs to stay the hell out of the kitchen. And Frank, waving a broom at the smoke detector is a lot less effective in shutting it up than just beating the bejeezus out of it with the broom. Megan confronts Doug, listening to his covering his ass and letting him off too friggin' easy. Al forces Frank to admit that Tim is good in the box and makes him ask for his badge back, proving a little humility is good for everyone even Frank. The Waterfront Bar opens with Bolander as the first customer, ordering a double vodka martini as the three partners behave like the 3 Stooges floor show of bartending. And then back to the wife beating, Megan SHOULD have known something and of course she gives all the wrong advice all the way down the line with tragic results, Doug's wife fills him full of lead. "Don't hug me!" Frank tells seriously looped Tim back at the bar as Kay Howard shows up with her girlfriends and the place is packed. Stan was surrounded by adoring chicks as Tim gamboled about the bar like a dementedly drunken puppy. (By Gator_xx)

"The City That Bleeds"

"Dead End"

"End Game"

Written by Rogers Turrentine Story by James Yoshimura and Henry Brommell

Directed by Lee Bonner

This episode is almost exclusively focused on finding the idiot that gunned down Kay, Beau and Stanley. Barnfather shows more restraint and sensitivity than usual. The media is portrayed as the corpse-f***ing vultures they truly are and Meldricks outburst on camera was something that I think anyone that has watched the nightly television news has wanted to do at least one. We get to see that Beau has the hairest back in the world (Was that really necessary?) Megan visits Kay in the hospital, as always it's awkward between them. But the awkwardness dissolves as Howard asked Megan to bring her lucky shell from her desk. Holton's parents get visited by Tim and Mitch but they seem too clueless and harmless to have spawned a monsterous idiot like Gordon.The boss at Pratt's job practically tripped over his own tongue drooling on Theresa Walker from Sex Crimes. Pembleton and Walker talk to his co-workers about Pratt and one of them sums him up as "Boring as hell." We get treated to a sick Feliniesque sequence as "Cure for Pain" plays and the squad searches through the hookers and the sleeze of the Block for Pratt till they find him berating some sad sack of a hooker that she wasn't saying the right things for his fantasy. Frank offers Pratt a real "Blow Job" by sticking his Glock into the back of Pratts skull. Beau visits Kay when he is released from the hospital and he gives her "Pookie" Megan comes upon the two of them holding hands and taking a snooze and she covers Beau with a blanket after giving Kay her Lucky Shell. Pratt is a vile little weasel that reminds me of the creeps that hang around Bourbon Street attempting to get laid with anything that moves. Meldrick and Frank played masterfully with Pratt at first. Frank exposes Pratts ignorance with Plato's Republic but for once Frank allows his emotions to get in the way, blowing the interrogation. "He who loses control, loses" is what Frank should have remembered this one time. Everyone gets to eyefuck Pratt as he sneeringly leaves with his attorney. This is followed by a re-hashing of how they screwed up in the coffee room and Gee tells the squad to be on Pratt like white on rice. Words are exchanged between Munch and Frank and tensions build until Frank knocks John into next week and the next room. Bayilss makes the mistake of tipsily wandering back into the squad room only to catch the murder of - you got it - Gordon Pratt. (By Gator_xx)

"Law and Disorder

"The Old and the Dead"

"In Search of Crimes Past"

"Nothing Personal"


"The Gas Man"

Written by Henry Bromell Story by Tom Fontana and Henry Bromell

Directed by Barry Levinson

This was the episode of "Frank gets a stalker", one Victor Helms. Seems Frankie put Victor in the slammer for hooking up a defective gas heater that turned a row house into one family's own personal gas chamber.Victor and his chum Danny follow Pembleton in his daily round of activities as Danny blasts his disco music. Frank and Tim catch the case of the Gypsy that lost her head and guess where that head ends up, yup that is right, in the fridge at Danny's stuck behind the beer and next to the lettuce. Seems Victor thinks he's gonna taunt Frankie with the head.  One of the only flaws of this episode was how the other characters got pushed aside for Frankenstein but we can deal with that. Victor watches in disbelief as Frank cheats with his wife to get a sperm sample for the fertility doc. and he creepy-crawls the Pembleton household several times before luring Frank to the same house where he screwed up and gassed the folks.  Amidst candles and The Head, Victor tries to kill his arch-enemy but no dice,  he doesn't have the cajones to do Frank. (by Gator_xx)

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