Well boys and girls, I'm back again with another selection from the slag-heap that is fanfiction.net. I'd like to note that the last fic I reviewed was pulled from ff.net and that is such a pity.

Insert evil chuckling here.

Today's selection is entitled "twin mutants and the xmen" and was written by dark angel84. Gosh, lots of little winged critters in the Evo section, no? THIS little angel is 13, so I'll try not to be overly catty.

I said TRY.

Anyhow. The title caught my eye and I thought to myself "gosh, maybe somebody's using Northstar and whatever the hell his sister's name was… That'd be cool. Northstar's pretty gay. For real."

But I lost hope when I read the first two lines:

-A circus takes place-

" Ladies and gentlemen, from their amazing tricks and performance I give you the twins Ryu and Riu" the ringmaster shouted."

Drat.

Now, this is where I twitched first because I have an issue with Japanese names in non-anime fanfiction. The main reason for this is that nine times out of ten the author knows nothing about Japan or Japanese aside from what they've picked up from anime. Consequently the characters often wind up acting very stereotypically Asian and succeed in annoying anyone with half a clue.

I've never met a Japanese person who used the fangirl-Japanese these characters tend to use, either. My mom once knew a Japanese guy who's English consisted solely of the words 'fuck', 'shit', and 'surf', but I digress.

Back to the fic. The twins impress the audience with their mad circus skillz (word, yo) and then retire to their trailer.

The next bit made my little head ache.

Riu her real name is Melissa, but she prefers to be called Lissa or Riu,but mostly she is called Riu her and her brother share the same height and colors of their eyes that is emerald green and dark brown and their bodies are in good shape for acrobats too she grabbed a wet towel and wiped the make-up off as her brother did.

My best friend just finished college with an English Major. I think if I showed her this grammar, her head might explode.

And if it didn't, this paragraph would most certainly give her heart failure…

When they were finished Lissa turned to her brother Robin, that his mutant name is Ryu like she looked at her brother's handsome face.

Uh, what? Is English your first language? If it is, I suggest you stop sleeping through English class and start paying attention.

Next follows the longest paragraph in the Universe where the siblings wish they could leave the circus and "meet other mutants if others do exist, and maybe see the world its better than living in this hell-hole"

My head explodes. Would it kill you to use a comma? Oh, wait there's one…. Where a PERIOD would work better.

Writing Tip: Whenever a new person starts talking, you should start a new paragraph. This is a very basic and easy-to-follow rule that helps keep your reader from getting confused while following the dialogue.

The rambling giant paragraph informs us the twins only make five bucks a day, which is quite the violation of several labour laws, no? It also tells us what their mutant powers are:

powerful when together they have a psychic link in their minds, when they attack they can unleash really strong attacks on their enemies, but they love bringing joy to people especially to children, when they had no performances they often went to the children's hospital during Christmas to bring the holiday spirit to the sickly children who had all sorts of different illnesses.

The mutants with HEART.

After reflecting on how gosh-darn good they are, Robin randomly decides that he and his sister will take off before dawn. So we've had all this build-up about how they can't leave, and now they're just going.

Aaaand there the chapter ends. Mercifully brief, at least.

This is not the worst fic ever written. It's a far cry from the best, but it didn't make me want to rip my nails out with pliers. Ignoring the fact that it's another one of the legions of OC fics, the main problem with this fic is grammar and style - namely the first blows and there's not much of the second.

Having a beta reader nitpick at this fic could probably bring it up to the level of 'readable.' The OCs aren't instantly detestable, despite their random Japanese codenames. (Why have codenames if you're not part of a team? It reminds me of 'Neutrino Annihilator' from the Chamber miniseries.)

With a little work, this young author might spit out something decent one day. Best of luck to her.