It appears that I have been had.
I've never claimed to be perfect, (not seriously, anyway) and the fact remains that I am in truth a very gullible person. So when I received the e-mail for the last fic review and read the fic in question, I assumed that the damn thing was a serious fic.
I am now questioning that judgment, and I'll let you in on the reason why…
"The River City Kid" himself e-mailed me. And quite frankly, NOBODY on the planet could honesty be this ridiculously pompous and retarded. So I've decided that the entire fic, all the author's backlash and response to reviews and such is actually part of some bizarre and elaborate practical joke on the X-Evo community.
If that's the case then I have to admit it's a pretty good one and I fell for it completely.
If he actually IS serious... then the world's a scarier place than I thought. But I really do think it's a gag. Here, see what you think for yourselves (any mistakes in spacing are not his but are the result of my computer not pasting properly and me being far too lazy to fix them all.):
Date: Sun, 6 Jun 2004 06:56:37 -0700 (PDT)
Dear scary old goth lady,
I am writing to you because you featured my art on your travesty of a site. I am telling you to take it down immediately and to apologize to me. It hurts to have my art made fun of. I can deal with it being mocked by idiotic fangirls, but not fellow goths. I want the apology to be no less than 50 words. I believe the story went over your underdeveloped brain. You did not get my art or what it was trying to say. Maybe you should go back to reading Kurt Vonnegut. Iam fully aware that I am a genius, but why can't otherpeople recognize this?
You are the third person to MST it, so don't think you did anything original. In fact, originality seems tobe a sore point with you. I was interested in the"work" of a person who would dare to mock me, so Ichecked out your "comic" and "writing."
Nice Hair? It should be called Nice Try. I would callthe artwork goth-lite. It looks like something youwould see on a Danzig album cover. Your writing isweak and the jokes are just not funny. Goth humouralways sucks. Who ever heard of a funny goth?
How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope!
See? It doesn't work.
Your comic is like a Friends episode, only with ugly people. You have done the impossible by making Tim Burton, Robert "fag hag" Smith and Neil Gaiman seemuninteresting. Congratulations Siouxsie. Now to the question of originality. Why are you using real peopleto make a comic? If Burton ever finds the time to stopmaking crappy movies, he should sue your pale pimplyarse. Gaiman probably doesn't give a fuck since theconcept of making money off his shit was always loston him. As the creator of over twelve successful webcomics, I can tell you it's best to use your owncreations or at least fictitious characters. Thosethat have talent create, those that don't steal fromother people. Word to Odin.
Just to show that I am not flaming you I will say thatyour X-Men story is interesting and quite good in someparts. Probably better than anything Claremont orAusten could come up with these days and certainly better than the assholes who write X-Evo. But Inoticed a very similar story when reading somefanfiction recently. I am not saying that you stoleyour plot and story from these people, but the jump inquality from Nice Hair has me suspicious.
So I would describe your talent so far asfrighteningly mediocre. Do you have anything good forme to critique? Oh, since you flamed me, I believe Ishould have the right to make a few responses.
>Oh, oh, what was that? I think it was my FemNazi>defenses going on alert. Either the author is trying>(miserably) to give his Gary Stu an attitude about>women that's supposed to be reminiscent of Feudal>Japan… or he's got a problem with women. I'm voting>the latter, but then I'm also voting that I couldkick >the author's ass in thirty seconds flat. (And ifa >goth weighing in at 109lbs can kick your ass…that's >just > > sad.)
Hah! I knew you were a lesbian! I love women, but Ihate bitches. It is not my fault that most women arebitches. 109 doesn't sound right. I picture you morearound 250. Every goth girl I see these days is a porker. I blame Peter Murphy. Point for me.
>We discover the Author is a Republican, and probably>dumb enough to vote for Bush a second time:
Since I am Canadian, it will be very hard for me tovote for the child killer Bush. I am ashamed thoughthat my country has become France Jr. Canadian men useto be so hardcore. We were fucking Vikings and lumberjacks. But now we are like those Designer Guys from Toronto. Don Cherry for PM! Point for me.
>And does anyone else find it funny that a GOTHVAMPIRE >is a macho man?
Ever hear of Lestat, sweetie? Point for me.
>Aww, come on. Piotr's kind of cute in a huge hulking>potentially-on-'roids kinda way. (Ever since reading>Ultimate X-Men I've had this soft spot for Colossus.I >don't know why.)
That is probably because he is queer for my Wolvie in Ultimate. He is really ugly and looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger with a huge steroid juiced bulbous head, beety little eyes, and thick leathery skin. Evenmy horny sister, who thinks Jack Black and anythingwith two legs is cute, thinks Colossus is repulsive.Point for me.
>I think he really kidnapped Pietro because he thinks>he's cute.
Why do people keep saying I am a repressed homosexual? Every freaking fangirl who reviewed my story wrotethat. I had sex with a guy only once and I regret it.I was young(15!), drunk, and stupid. I probably hadmore cock than you! I do not find Pietro cute nor wasit sexual when Hunter said he was horny and grabbedLance by the neck. I always found Quicksilver'squeerness amusing. He is Draco without any ofRowling's character development. Avalanche is just adick. He is the bastard sperm concoction of AlanRickman, Gaiman, and Coyote Shivers(Berko from EmpireRecords the movie and other stupid things). Fuck Lanceand his large Jewish nose. Like with Gambit, I despisethat their characters have no sense of depth. They areonly used for their looks. Marvel should realize thatreally only guys watch and read their products, notugly horny women. We want badass characters likeWolverine and Omega Red, not faggy sissy boys. Pointfor me.
>Two - Ra is not the god of vampires. No way, no how.>Show me ONE historically accurate source that couldbe >interpreted this way. Jeebus, even Osiris wouldmake >more sense.
I suggest you read "Vampyres in Ancient Egypt" byMichelle Leak. It has numerous references to vampireworship of Re. Egyptian vampires do not fear thedaylight fool! I know more about Egyptian gods thanyou will ever know! Anubis personally speaks to ME! Ishould write a book about it beetch. Point for me.
>He's particularly interested in Rogue because of her>"spicy gothic attitude" making this guy another oneof >those losers you can spot at goth clubs who showedup >solely to check out the 'hot kinky goth chicks.'
That is actually funny since I take my non-gothfriends to clubs and they always get laid. One friendeven made up a t-shirt that said "Goth Girls AreEasy." I don't touch skanky goth chicks. I am a virginwith women, but that is by choice. I do not wish tolose my heterosexual virginity to some cheap whore.
You bore me now so I am done with you, muggle spawn. Just remember this. Do not trifle with me for I am a powerful warlock and I own you.
P.S. Save this so that on the day I become famous, youcan show it to all your loser goth friends to give your shallow existence meaning. Alert the media too. It will give me something funny to talk about when I go on Letterman.
Vic Ravenwolf Scarpetta aka The River City Kid (Pagan and Proud!)
It's seriously the "Ravenwolf Scarpetta" that convinced me fully that this has to be a gag. So, River City Kid,
wherever you are... congrats on pretty much fooling the entire Evo fandom.
I have no idea WHY you're doing it, but you pulled it off and that deserves SOME sort of recognition I guess,
even if it is only from a supposed lesbian webmistress.
Back
From: "Victor S"
Subject: A reply to your review of my art!
To: decadentmazohyst@yahoo.ca
>Say it with me, kids, "repressed homosexual."