N: Ouija boards and stupid teenagers. Is there a more tried and true horror premise?

Kitten: No, not really.

N: This classic setup has been exploited badly by the film industry with such forgettable films as Witchboard and it's thirty-hundred sequels. Let's see how the situation is handled by a paranormal aficionado on fictionpress.net!

Kitten: Probably just as badly...but with less nudity.

A/N: I'm sorry, I had to edit the story because I did spell Ouija wrong. What can I say, I'm a ditz. I'm feeling pretty stupid right now. Once again, I'm really sorry.

Kitten: At least she apologises for being a retard.

On a quiet, late night in October, a teenager named Michael McNeiger took his life away in the attic of his house.

Kitten: BWAHAHAHA! He killed himself in the attic?! "Whelp. Grandma will never find me up here..."

N: I like "took his life away." It's like it wants to be poetic but can't.. quite.. make it.

Weeks after the suicide, his 3 closest friends were still really trashed.

Kitten: They were all still drunk? That's one hell of a funeral party.

N: Irish wake.

They all went to Trisha, one of the 3 friends, house one night.

N: Trisha's. Otherwise it sounds like Trisha IS the house.

Kitten: "Trish, we gotta use your bathroom. I'm gonna hurl... I've been drinking for weeks!"

They couldn't think of anything to do and they were bored. Steve, another one of Michael's friends, saw something under Trisha's bed that caught his eye.

N: Vibrator.

"What's this?" he asked her, pulling it out.

N: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

"Hmm? Oh, that's a ouija board I found in someone's trash a few weeks ago.

Kitten: She's digging though other people's garbage? What is she, a hobo-woman?

I sort of forgot about it after Mike died..." she said.

N: This is not a setup.

Kitten: "Put away my vibrator, Steve."

"Wow, that's really cool," said Lisa, Michael's final closets friend.

N: Closets? Maybe we'll get some HOTLESBOACTION!!11!!!

Kitten: "That's so cool... you pick through people's garbage too!"

"I've never seen a ouija board like that before, and I've always been somewhat interested in the paranormal," she continued.

N: Like WHAT, exactly? Freakin' Parker Brothers makes Ouija boards. They do not look impressive.

She was right. It definitely wasn't anything like the modern parker brother ouija board.

N: Oh, I stand corrected.

Like the modern ouija board, it said "Yes" and "No" on the top corners and "Hello" and "Goodbye" on the bottom ones, but on the top it was labeled "Swami, Magical Talking Boards".

Kitten: What? This is a goddamn MAGICAL Ouija board.

N: *laaaughs* Swami. Oh man.

The numbers and words were labeled the same as a parker brother's board, but the art was different. In the middle there was a picture of a man wearing a turban that appeared to be coming out of a lamp (like a genie), and holding a crystal ball in his hands.

N: Look out, those Arabs are pure evil!

On the bottom there was a picture of a planet that looked like earth labeled "Good" and next to it a planet that looked like Jupiter labeled "Bad".

Kitten" Cos Jupiter is really bad-ass, man.

N: Jupiter? What the hell? Freaking Pluto or even Saturn might have made more sense.

There were many other pictures on the board. Some unfamiliar, and some looking like the symbols of star constellations.

N: Orion was there, because everyone knows that dude is EVIL.

Kitten: I thought they were gonna say 'star TREK.' They could have a board with Picard's bald, evil head...

"That's really awesome," Lisa said, "can we use it?"

"I guess so..." said Trisha, "But isn't it just a game?"

N: They ALWAYS say that.

"Noo! .....Well, I'm not really sure, but if we're going to be able to contact spirits on any board, this ones probably our best bet. Just look at it! Did you find a planchette with it too?" Lisa asked.

N: Because we all know the tools matter. *snork*

Kitten: "Yeah, I found one... up your ASS!"

N: I like the "NOOOOOOO well maybe" response, incidentally.

"What's that?" Asked Trisha. "Its the thing you use on the ouija board to point out the letters..." Lisa said, not sure if she described it quite right.

Kitten: It doubles as a vibrator!

N: New paragraph when someone speaks, honey.

"Oh, yeah." She said, and pulled it out from under her bed. The lanceted also was strange. It was the normal shape of one, but said, "Rajah Points the Way" on the top and was made of wood, with a hole where you're supposed to look through.

N: Are we impressed yet?

"Cool," said Steve, "Maybe we can contact Mike."

Kitten: "Or Cthulu. Whoever's available."

His tone told them that he didn't take it too seriously and Lisa was abit annoyed by this, but let it slip.

N: I think I'd be offended at the notion of bugging a recently dead best friend, myself.

Kitten: Why is she annoyed? Unless she's "Rahja who points the waaaaaaaaaay!" Hey, wasn't that the name of the tiger in Aladdin?

N: I'm telling you, this story is full of America's new fear of Arabic countries.

"So how does it work?" Steve asked.

"We're all supposed to sit next to each other and put the ouija board on our knees. You hold the planchette with your fingertips lightly, but firmly. You give it a little time and it should be able to talk and answer questions." Lisa told them.

Kitten: It's supposed to be on a sturdy, flat surface, I heard.

N: Who cares? They're all demon-fodder anyway.

They put it on their knees and put their fingertips on the planchette. "Ok..." Lisa said, "There's just a few basic things you guys should know about Ouija boards. You never ask them about God, never ask them when you're going to die, and never ask them where gold is buried.

Kitten: GOLD?

N: Those are the most ridiculous guidelines I've ever heard in all my life.

You also never let the spirits count down the numbers or alphabet because they can get out of the board that way.

N: They're not IN the board!

Kitten: Doesn't that mean just by using it you're letting them out? Man. This chick is obviously pulling this stuff out of her ass.

If the planchette goes to the four corners of the board, it means you've contacted an evil spirit and if the planchette falls off the board, a spirit can get out.

N: I love the assumption that the spirit is trapped in the board. What a crock of shit.

If we do contact an evil spirit, we need to flip the planchette over and use it that way.

N: Folks... don't use this story as a guide for Ouija. Please. This is painfully retarded.

Kitten: "Gee whiz, all this talk about EVIL spirits makes me want to use this thing! Hot damn!"

Also, spirits that are evil may use false flatterery and lies to win confidence. And you should always be respectful to the spirits so you don't anger them."

N: I'm just rolling my eyes here. A lot.

Kitten: Shut up and die already, characters.

"Only some-what interested in the paranormal?" said Steve, "You could probably write a book on this!"

N: Yeah, for Llewellyn.

Kitten: Naw, she's just reciting the one book she skimmed on the subject. Lil Miss Occult. *snork*

"I left a lot out, you know," she said, "It would take too long for me to go over everything I know about quija boards and I honestly don't know THAT much about them. I don't use them very much."

N: it shows.

Kitten: Then why did she just say it would take hoooooooooours for her to explain it all? God. I hope the Ouija board flies up and hits her in the face. That would rock.

"You guys, maybe we shouldn't use it," Trisha said, sounding slightly nervous. "I didn't know ouija boards could be so complex... so... "evil"."

N: Come over to the dark side, baby.

Kitten: Don'tcha know sinners have more fun?

"Your the one who slept with it under your bed for 5 weeks, besides, I'm sure nothing will happen if we're careful. Heck, we probably won't even get a spirit." Lisa said, sort of hoping that the "not getting a spirit" part would be false.

Kitten: What? Shut up! DIE!

"Ok, I'll ask first," Lisa, stated, "Are you there?" she asked.

N: "What are you wearing?"

Kitten: "I'm onnnnnnnn... the caaaaaaaaan...'

After a few second it spelled out "I" "A-M" "H-E-R-E". "Wow..." whispered Lisa, "What's your name?"

N: "A/SL?"

Kitten: Booooooob Baaaaaaaaaarker... wait, he's not dead.

N: I thought he was?

It spelt out "Nimu". Steve, figuring it was just Lisa moving the planchette, asked the next question, something Lisa wouldn't know.

"What did I get on my last math test?" he asked.

Kitten: "Zeeeeeeeeeerooo... yooooooou numb fuuuuuuuuuuck."

"U-S-P-E-A-K-T-O-M-I-K-E? M-I-K-E S-A-Y-8-5

N: Oh my god. This ghost uses netspeak.

Kitten: You are very beautiful. Where is bathroom?

H-E-W-A-N-T-T-O-T-A-L-K," Nimu responded.

Kitten: "Want 2 cyber?"

"What was your grade?" asked Trisha.

"........It was 85...." Steve responded.

N: OH GUY MOD! BHJGHJSGHJ!

"It looks like we can get Mike!" said Lisa, sounding more excited then scared.

N: Morbid bitch.

"Can we speak to him?'' Lisa asked. The planchette move to were it said "Yes", and stood still, then moved down to "Hello".

N: "Mike! Can I have your bike?"

Kitten: "Can I have your porno?"

"Is this Mike?" she asked. "I-t M-i-ke. U-R?"

N: This is what happens when the internet-raised moronic children of today die. They communicate from beyond using single letters.

Kitten: "Mike? Don't you remember me? Of course you would, unless you were some sort of evil demon trying to trick us. But that would never happen because it's not like this is a horror story..."

"It's Lisa! Don't you remember?" she asked it. It paused.

It went to the letters "M-A-D.". "Your mad? At me?!" she said, starting to feel nervous. "U-K-I-L-L

U-N-O F-R-I-E-N-D. G-E-T B-A-C-K!!"

Kitten: UH! Jump back! Kiss yaself! Get DOWN!

Lisa was confused, and both Trisha and Steve were starting to get nervous too. Even with their doubts, they knew if Lisa was really moving the planchette, she'd never joke about anything like that.

"What about me?" asked Steve. After a few seconds it spelt out "T-R-A-S- H W-O-R-T-H-L-E-S-S."

Kitten: "Aw buddy, you remember my nickname!"

Trisha then asked, "Why are you saying that?" It responded "I-T T-R-U U-O- N-L-Y- 1 O-N-L-Y U."

Kitten: "U get me hot baby cyber more."

N: If I ever speak to a dead person who spells like that, I'm banishing them to some horrible purgatory where they have to watch reruns of Full House continuously.

"Only me?" she said. "What do you mean?"

"U A-L-O-N-E. J-U-S-T U." it spelled out. "Maybe it wants you to play with it alone." Steve said

N: That's naughty.

Kitten: It wants you to jerk off in front of your webcam and smear pancake syrup on yourself.

"No, you're never supposed to play with a quija board alone!" Lisa said, "Your not Mike, are you?"

Kitten: Trust the Ouija board to tell you what to do. "What's that? Take off my top or my breasts will shrink? Okay magic Rhaja!"

"I A-M!!" It responded. "No, I knew him and you aren't him" she said.

N: Who the hell is talking?

It was a few minutes before it responded again. It spelt out "2-y-z" about 3 times, before it said, "V-I-D-E-L!!"

Kitten: Yeah, whatever.

N: Vive le Dell! Or something.

"Is that your name?" Lisa asked it, but it didn't answer. It started swearing at them, and saying it would kill them.

Kitten: "So... Jimmy DOESN'T like me?"

"Lisa, I don't want to do this anymore, let's stop!" Trisha said panicky, starting to get up.

Kitten: I'm panicky, baby.

"Wait! We have to say goodbye!" Lisa said. She flipped the planchette over and went to goodbye, and Videl kept saying "No!" but eventually stopped and they got Nimu again, who told them "H-E G-O-N-E

N-O-W U- O-K."

N: Some lazy-ass spirit guide you guys got there. "Oh, I'll let the hellbeast play with em a little. I'm going for coffee."

They were relieved and just sat there for a minute, not talking, but then saw a green flash of light coming from out of Trisha's door.

N: The door is glowing?

"What was that?" Steve asked.

Kitten: "My dad watching his pornos."

"I don't know..." Trisha replied. "No ones home now except us."

The light flashed again, and Lisa got up and started to follow it. Steve followed her, and Trisha followed only out of fear of being alone. They followed the flash down the stairs and into the living room.

Kitten: GOOD IDEA! I think I'll head towards the creepy green light after my encounter with the Hellbeast.

Trisha's dog was sitting upright on their couch;

N: OH MY GOD!

Kitten: Shnooky, get off the couch before you shed!

ears perked and fur standing up. It seemed to be staring at a plant next to the fireplace.

N: I'm terrified.

Kitten: It's a very interesting plant.

It was dark and hard to see, but when Lisa look there she gasped, and quietly fainted near Steve who grabbed her, and shook her awake. "What is it?" he asked.

Kitten: "Can I touch your boobies?"

N: Quietly fainted. How considerate. I hate those NOISY fainters.

Before answering, she said, "Trisha, close your eyes."

Trisha asked "Why?" perplexed, and Lisa said, "Just do it."

She closed her eyes, and Lisa pointed to the plant for Steve, and he gasped too, but managed to stay on his feet.

N: This is a kick-ass plant.

Kitten: "Your plant is awesome, man!"

N: Pot plant. Totally.

Trisha's necks hairs were standing strait up,

N: Word, yo.

Kitten: She's got a hairy neck. Mmm. Shmannish.

even though she couldn't see what it was, and she couldn't think of what it could be, but didn't want to see it.

Kitten: So WHY is she scared? "Oh my god...NOTHING! I'm trapped in an HP Lovecraft story!"

N: Good one.

Kitten: Yeah, get some ice cos that was a BURN!

N: To a dead guy.

After a few seconds Lisa said, "Its OK Trisha, it's gone now. You can open your eyes."

N: This sounds like an elaborate practical joke.

She hesitatingly opened them, and didn't see anything and asked what they saw.

Steve was about to tell her, but Lisa stopped him. "We'll tell you another time, now probably isn't best." She told her.

N: "Listen to your elders, dear. Oh, wait..."

"Why?" Trisha asked.

"No real reason...." she said. The truth was, Trisha had to sleep here tonight, and if she knew what they saw, she'd be scared out of her mind.

N: O the creeping horror! You would go mad with fear to see it! Cthulu! Yog-soggoth! SHUB-NIGGURATH!

Despite not knowing what it was, Trisha was still really scared when she went to sleep. She unintentionally kept imagining what they might have seen and kept thinking about the ouija board, which see threw in the trash that should be picked up the next day.

Kitten: Now, did she put it in HER trash, or back in the garbage bin she FOUND it in?

When she went to school the next morning, Lisa explained what they saw. She said that there was what clearly looked like the figure black devil next to the plant.

N: Great grammar.

Kitten: The figure black devil.

N: Maybe it's like, a rapper.

It had horns, empty red eye sockets, horse hoofs, and bat wings.

Kitten: And it was the size of a plant. Scary. Really scary.

Trisha was really scared at hearing this, but glad she didn't see it.

School didn't feel very important to them that day because they all had their minds on the previous night.

N: Ahh... memories.

When Trisha came home from school, she looked where the trash was. It was gone. The ouija board was gone too, and she felt a little relief. She went up the stairs to her room, only to find the ouija and planchette on her bed. Before she could do anything it spelt out "B-A-C-K" and "M-A-D" several times.

Kitten: Just in case the first time it spelled it out she missed it. "Back, back, mad, mad, shit, fuck, word!"

Trisha ran down the stairs and grabbed the phone and told Lisa what happen. "How do I get rid of it?" she asked, but then the phone went dead.

N: finally. Someone had better die.

She went in the living room, and the lights were on.

Kitten: SCARY!

They weren't on before, and she didn't turn them on. Neither of her parents were home, so no one could have turned them on. She went back into the kitchen and the lights were off. She turned them on before, and didn't turn them off.

Kitten: It's the ghost of PowerSmart! "You're wasting electricity!"

Really scared, she went to leave her house from the back door, and it appeared to be locked, even though it only locked from the inside and none of the latches that locked it were turned. She tried to figure out the problem, but there was no reasonable explanation of how it was locked.

N: Grammar... hurting... head.

Kitten: She's pushing on a pull door.

She went back into the living room and the lights were off again. She opened the front door and felt her hair getting pulled. She turned around but saw nothing her hair could have got caught in and saw no one who could have pulled it.

N: Boring, tame poltergeist behavior.

Then she saw it. In the mirror there was clearly a figure with a mans face, horns, bat wings, and horse hoofs. She screamed and hurried out the door, which was now shut and wouldn't open at all.

Kitten: BANG! "OW! Fuck! Ohhhh. Ohhh. Fuck!"

N: Then I guess she didn't hurry out it, after all, did she?

Trapped, she looked back and didn't see the figure anymore. Then it hit her. Videl. Devil. Videl was the scrambled form of Devil.

Kitten: It sounds like Midol kinda, too.

Panicked, she went for the window, hoping she could get out that way. Then she saw the reflection of Videl in the glass and couldn't think of what to do. Then she heard the door open, luckily, it was Lisa and Trisha ran out of the house before Lisa could say anything.

Kitten: "BYE! Gotta go! Have fun with Satan!"

Trisha ran down the block, instinctively getting as far from the house as she could. Lisa followed and had Trisha explain everything that happened to her.

"Maybe we could burn the board..." Trisha said hopefully.

"No....." said Lisa, "You NEVER burn ouija boards. If you try to burn it, it will scream and the person who hears that scream has less than 36 hours to live.

Kitten: What, are we in the fucking Ring now?

N: BULLSHIT! Oh guy mod. The author claims to be interested in the paranormal, but she obviously is a fuckwit who never bothered to do any decent research.

The only way to properly dispose of a ouija board is to break it into 7 pieces, sprinkle it with holy water then bury it. Then I'd suggest having your house blessed."

N: Call the Pope. He'll do it.

"Ok....." she said," But how do we get the board?"

"I'll get it. I brought a pure silver coin and horseradish for protection. Its in your room, right?" Lisa said.

N: What, she just happened to have this?

Kitten: HORSERADISH? People put that on their burgers!

"Yeah..." said Trisha, and Lisa ran to her house before Trisha could stop her.

When in the house, the lights started flickering, but Lisa ran up the stairs as quickly as she could and put the silver coin on the board and ran outside with it. Before she started breaking it, the planchette kept spelling 2yz as many times as it could.

Kitten: WORD, yo! G2G! LOL!

"Too wise..." Lisa whispered, and broke it into 7 pieces and piled them up. She put the silver coin on top of them and said, "I'm going to run to the church to get holy water, stay here to make sure nothing happens, ok?"

N: Imagine the look on the priests' face when this broad comes running in and dunks the board in the holy water.

Lisa said. There was a church only 2 blocks away from Trisha's block so it shouldn't take long. "Ok....." Trisha said, sounding like she really didn't want her to go.

Lisa left and was back within 10 minutes and sprinkled the board with the water, and they buried it.

N: That was exciting.

Trisha managed to convince her parents to have the house blessed, even though they didn't believe what she told them about the board, and they didn't hear anymore from "Videl."

N: Who the hell did they callt o get this house blessing? Is the service listed in the yellow pages?

Kitten: They called the Pope.

Authors Notes:

N: That's the end?!

Even though this stories mostly fictional, the type of board they used really does exist.

Kitten: I MADE it! Nyahaha!

If you're interested in the paranormal and would like to know some good links about it, feel free to e-mail me and I'll gladly send it to you. I know sites that have pretty much anything paranormal, from ghosts, to urban legends, to lake monsters, UFOs, hauntings, human mysteries, to ouija, etc. Send it to Pandagal22@aol.com. Hope you enjoyed the fic.

N: The temptation to e-mail her and laugh hysterically is great.

Kitten: Just send her this review instead. Back!