ZILjIN's Thoughts
Its been a long time since I done this. Maybe I'll start adding shit to this site again, maybe not. I don't know my future as things are, I don't know where I am going anymore. I am held by a contract to be where I am, but something may change that soon. I am breaking down and I can't take this shit anymore. Sometime soon I hope that my path will be made clear to me.
~ZILjIN Lowh, Sep. 7, 2003 A.D.
Civilization will be the downfall of us. We will be the death of all of us. I died when I was young, because life ends when you realize you will die. That was one of the things I learned at a very young age. It wasn't because someone died in my family, it was just a realization that one day I would die. I went cold. Nothing else in my life has had the same effect on me. Nothing will ever have the same effect on me, not until the day I die. It was this realization that put me on the path I am on, but it was civilization that keeps me feeling that numbness, that cold inside. Our societies are like a cancer, killing us from within slowly, but surely.
~ZILjIN Lowh, Dec. 14, 2002 A.D.
I sit here, in a place far from home, yet most of the time alone I think of home. I think of my past and my friends and family, who I miss a lot but never say or allow myself to dwell on. I like it here, its beautiful, the weather is nice, for the most part, but I don't have much holding me here. I've been here for about 2 months now and I might be leaving again soon. I don't know where I'm going or what I'll be doing when I leave here, but I hope I leave here soon. I am tired of waiting for this, I don't even really know what I'm waiting for. As I sit here I think about all I've done and seen, and it really isn't much. I don't know if I'm going to war, or if I'll even see combat, but as a Marine it is my job to fight for my country. To go forth to any place necessary and to take the lives of human beings who share this world. I will go. It is sometime I do not because its my job or because I am paid to do it, I do it because I love my country and family. I will do anything to defend my family and country, for them, for those I love, I would kill.
~ZILjIN Lowh, Oct. 18, 2002 A.D.
Holy shit! It's been forever since I posted here! I have returned, sorta. My life doesn't seem to have time for me to do all that I want to do. I want to go back to simpler times, but I can't. I'm so tired of all this bullshit, but it's life. The Marine Corps. has changed my life greatly. Yet, as of yet I don't see much difference in how we're treated as Marines while in training. The bullshit that goes on at these schools is just that. All I gotta say is the fleet marine force better be different and more rewarding than this bullshit place. Nothing here is worth it to be stuck here as long as I have been. Just a few more weeks and I'll be gone though. I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!! I thought I wanted out of boot camp? Hell that was only 3 months this bullshit has been going on for 6 months so far. Well, I suck it the fuck up and deal with it. For now.
~ZILjIN Lowh, July 16, 2002 A.D.
It's been a while.... I've been busy, thinking, learning of myself, living..... I'm not sure I'm fully back. I never update as much as I want to, I can never find the time it seems. Funny thing is I have all the time in the world now, I don't have a job, nor do I attend school of any kind. I just think and do. I've come to many realizations over the past month, all come back to the same thing, I've got to live my life how I want it. My first decision is one that changes my life completely and gives me a basis for the rest of my life. I joined the United States Marine Corps. My decision was not made on a whim, but after time thinking and contemplating what I want from life. This is gonna be a decision I will not regret. I am through living my life for everyone else, trying to please everyone around me, trying to make everyone happy by putting myself through utter hell. I made myself who I am, but held myself back from going beyond due to those around me. I'm not back but I'm not gone yet, I still have some time, only a few months but I'll be around, until I fade away completely.
~ZILjIN Lowh, June 28, 2001 A.D.
The world changes, people change. Change is living. I know I have changed a lot in the last year, yet I still feel the same and I am still myself, maybe I am seeing everything for the first time again, as it should be seen. Maybe not... I do know I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I just hope I didn't take a turn for the worse and I somehow bettered myself in some way. Nothing is certain in life anymore and the world is a cold, dark place, you just have to survive it. No one gives hand outs, and everyone is looking for an edge, maybe some have have found it. It isn't about having an edge though it helps, its about survival and you can't do that alone. If we stand united we are strong, if we stand apart we shall surely fall, and the best advice I was ever given was given to me by my father who was told it by his father, never assume you are the best, because then there will always be someone better than you.
~ZILjIN Lowh, April 23, 2001 A.D.
I don't know where my life is going. I can't even really tell you where I been. Its all fuzzy to me right now. Maybe I am just confused.... I see no future where I am right now but I don't know where to go next. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I have a set rule for whats going on? I guess because I am not in jail or in the armed forces. My life is my to choose, but I don't have a choice right now. I been kicked out and knocked down and I can't climb out of the hole I'm in. I'm stuck here and have to live with it, but maybe one day I'll get out of this hole and rise above. I guess where my life is going is around this hole I am stuck in, looking for an exit, a weakness, something I have yet to find. I know that I can't do it alone...but I have no one to look to for help, everyone else is stuck in their own holes. I see my hole and I see theirs, mine is much deeper it seems, as I move around and look for weaknesses I dig myself deeper. I am cought in here.
~ZILjIN Lowh, March 29, 2001 A.D.
I am a joke unto the world. I swear the world laughs at my passing. If there is a god out there, he/she is surely laughing their ass off at my demise. All I suffer, all I try to do, for everyone I helped, is just one more notch up on the lets give him more shit meter. Why must I always suffer so? Why do I have to deal with all this shit? My pain and suffering is enough without the world laughing at me and adding to it. But I guess that is where it all came from in the first place. I can take a lot of shit, I can feel no pain, but when the world fucks with my emotions....thats where they got me, where I am helpless. I keep them in dark so no one can see them, so the world can't get at me. And yet they are still used against me. My friends, my family, everyone has used them against me, have used me. I am tired of suffering for all of you, get your laughter somewhere else and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
~ZILjIN Lowh, March 6, 2001 A.D.
I wonder sometimes what it means to be human. Does it mean I need to be a machine following orders and commands? Should I be a feelingless mound of flesh to do nothing but what I see as fit? For all I see is humans as being that. I feel yet feeling was something we adapted to survive, so we didn't kill each other faster than we could be born. We are animals but we are the most successful animal. We developed technology, thought, mass descruction, war, emotions. We thought it up and wrote it down to pass it on, but who are we? We are nothing, we are the sum of evolution, do you think the first man and woman came into being thinking, feeling, knowing? No that was developed over thousands of years. It was something we passed down, from the first humans that worshipped the sun, the rocks, the trees, to now when we worship nothing, a being we created in our minds. It was the greatest development of all time. Religion, something to hope for, something to you a reason to wake up to, to give you a reason not to kill your neighbor for. Emotions, religion, they both help us survive, yet I see past them. I look at the computer I'm using and see only metal, plastic, and glass, where our ancestors would see the greatest creation or the most vile of witchcraft. We are the greatest creation, the ultimate machine. We do whatever it takes to survive, and if we don't we die. Animals, do what they must to survive, but they don't feel it when they must kill one another. Do you think humans are the strongest because we have technology, written language? No animals are because they don't have all the bullshit to deal with. They don't have to sort through hundreds of years of lies, bullshit, and sweet words. They just hunt, kill, eat, sleep, and die when they can't do what they must. I'd say we are failing slowly but surely.
~ZILjIN Lowh, March 3, 2001 A.D.
I can no longer say I am whole unto myself. My life doesn't feel like my own, like I'm borrowing it. Nothing ever seems real until it gets worse, nothing ever seems to get better. Even when it does I feel nothing, no real joy, no true happiness. I enjoy a cigarette, yet they kill me slowly, I sit here and smoke my life away typing away on this keyboard. Thinking, constantly thoughts run through my mind of things to do, but I cannot do, like just going out and killing people around me slowly enjoying their suffering. But I sit here, I sit here and type out my dark thoughts for you all to read, to try to understand me. And yet it doesn't seem real to me, it never seems real to me. The house could burn down and leave me with nothing but it still wouldn't seem real to me. Nothing seems real anymore, like a dream, but its truely a nightmare.
~ZILjIN Lowh, Feb. 21, 2001 A.D.
The world turns, I live another day, I see friends I haven't seen in a long time, something new happens, something new it learned. Life goes on.....but does it? My life always seems to get so far then turn back upon itself. I get so far ahead then I fall back to where I started. Nothing in this world seems to change much for me, so I pissed you off today? I'll piss you off again tomarrow, but the day after you'll say how much you love me. My life seems a curse, but then why me out of 6 billion? Why am I the only one who sees this? Why am I the only one who feels the pain, the suffering in the atmosphere? I don't see my life moving on, I just see it falling apart no matter how fast I pull it together, or how well I think out what I'm going to do. I am cursed, cursed to walk this life and do nothing to change it for the better, doomed to be alone in mind and soul forever, feeling false love and hiding my hate inside. I cannot do anything without the world jumping on my back and ripping my heart out. Why the fuck am I cursed to be like this?!?! Where will I get mine back? All the suffering and loathing I've felt, all the false loves that came and gone, but are still with me haunting my dreams and causing all the more pain. Oh god why do I feel this? But then I don't believe in god, I don't believe in anything but myself, just me, one, alone, against the world.
~ZILjIN Lowh, Feb. 21, 2001 A.D.
I stay in the dark, I like the dark, I'm alive only in the night. No one understands why. I do, I see the doom in the light, in the sun. I don't like the light it hurts my eyes and burns my skin. I am nocturnal. I see in the dark, not just the good, but i see the bad. I can see it all so clearly because I'm not blinded by the light when I'm in the dark, I see it all right before me, my eyes are open wide. I can't explain it all, I really don't understand, I just know that the darkness is the place for me. Why can't the rest of the world see it this way? Why does the world have a problem with me? Until they see me in my true light, my darkness, I'll stay out of sight of those who dispise me, of those who look down on me. I am the darkness, its what I wear, its what I see, its what I do. I can see it all in the darkness. In my dreams the worst of all, I'm denied my defenses, I'm denied it all. I haven't had a good dream in over a year. Maybe today as I sleep my dreams will be different but I doubt it. I sometimes fear to go to sleep for the dreams I dream are worse than standing in the light, burning. My dreams are the worst part of my existense because there is nothing I can do to alter then, I cannot even ignore them. They are my curse whether I stand in the light or dark.
~ZILjIN Lowh, Feb. 7, 2001 A.D.
Well for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm home. Its strange, I've been kicked out of my parents house, even though I haven't really been there that much, and yet I feel more at home where I'm at then where I've lived in a long time. I don't know what it is, or why but I feel at home. Like nothing before was home except this. I'm not at peace, I feel I never will be but this is as close as I'll ever get to it. I still have the rage within, I still see myself destroying everything around me. Yet this is my place, with my friends, my family.
~ZILjIN Lowh, Feb. 4, 2001 A.D.
Well on my poetry III page I wrote a poem stating that I would never give up....I'm sorry but I did. I give up on my last girlfriend, I spent all my time, ignoring friends and family on her, thinking about her, worrying around her, trying to be with her. Yet, once again I was stabbed in the back. Nothing could have prepared me for her, or the things she was dumb enough to do. I think now about all the things I tried and did with her and I don't know what to think...but I wish i could forget them. You reading this don't know exactly what happened or went on, or maybe you have a clue or if you know me understand a good bit of what happened, but what happened is in the past. Though we must never forget the past, we must learn from it, but I can't think of thing to learn from that. She didn't seem to think I put all into it and that she had the worst time, but all in all the truth is we both did a lot of fucked up things and hurt each other. Out of all that though I never cheated on her, or anyone else for that matter, I always did everything I could for her. I didn't expect the world, I didn't demand the world, I only asked that we try to work stuff out, but I guess I wasn't good enough for her. I guess I'm not good enough to survive in this world, I'm too naive, too vulnerable, but you know, that's just my side that I show. I am more than I seem, I am whatever I made myself to be. I guess to make this short, I will never fall for you again, I won't hurt you, I won't seek vengence, I will not do anything against you in anyway, but I won't have anything to do with you again. You know who you are, should you have read this, believe it to be true and understand that it was you, and you alone that did this. You destroyed this, you did this to yourself I hope you like what you have done and smile about it later, enjoy your life alone, without me and all my friends as I believe they are all of like mind while I don't speak for them and I won't go any further than that, but true friends stick together and help each other out. They don't try to hurt or destroy you. Live and learn, but I guess thats hard to understand for you, sit and think on this, think long and hard. It might take a while to grasp it. Then you will understand the pain I feel.
~ZILjIN Lowh, Jan. 13, 2001 A.D.
Sometimes I feel as if the world only wants me to fail. As if everyone is against me including my family and friends. Nothing seems real to me but the darkness that surrounds me. Why can't it be more like I see it? Is everyone in it for themselves? We all change, but it never seems for the good, always for the worse. Why am I being punished? Did I do something so wrong in my previous existence? Why doesn't someone answer me? I am all alone, just one, alone, all my fears, sufferings, denials, and hate. I am fading away into the darkness, the darkness of my soul, that you all caused. The world made me this way, blame yourself, not me, don't try to change me, don't hate me, don't fear me, just try to understand. Try.......
~ZILjIN Lowh, Dec 28, 2000 A.D.
Was I born to suffer like this? Why does it seem that everyone around me was put here to add to my pain? Especially those I love the most, nothing is as it seems and everything is unexpected. I used to live by that, but now all I expect is the pain that everyone causes me. Why am I being tortured? Nothing I've done in my life makes me deserving of this, I've always helped out, I was always the good son. And still I made to suffer. I used to believe in God, I used to think I worshiped the Devil, but now I just don't believe. If you want to do something for yourself, then do it for yourself. You all forced me to be this way, always defensive even to you, my best friends. Why? I am not deserving of yours or anyone elses spite. I have done nothing to you, but try to be everything I can and am. No one listens to me, no one will even see this, do I suffer for the world? Should I suffer for the world? Why can't it be physical pain that I can block out or take pleasure from? Does it always have to weak spot? Why the fuck is the world like this? Because we made it this way, to bring down the weak, to destroy the innocence. Survival of the fitest. I guess I am not fit to survive, I am just put here to fill the cracks in the wall and to die. I just make the world weaker by questioning its ways. I am the apitamy of what we are, but I am weak. Yes, I am weak. But I will overcome you, I will rise above and overcome you all, then I shall be the one to have the last laugh, but I guess that is something for the future. I was nice, I was plesant to be around, as I said before, I was the good son, but you forced me to change, you forced me to this extent. No longer will I cower in fear, I am what you and the world around us made me. I will devour you and take back what you took from me. I hate what you have done to me, my hate which kept me alive was taken from me, but now it shall return to bring me back from this death like trance. I will no longer sit down and be an observer. You have brought this about, you will feel my suffering, and you will know that you caused it all to happen. You reap what you sow.
~ZILjIN Lowh, Dec 26, 2000 A.D.
I can feel the darkness all around me, like a tomb, it nourishes me and corrupts me all at once. Everything I do is enshrouding in darkness, blackened and blistered. Nothing seems real anymore and I want for nothing but to revel in the void that is me. Why do I stand in the shadows while you bask in the light? It is my choice one that I made years ago and will keep it. My void, abyss, to live and die in where nothing can harm me and where I can see everything, but nothing, no one can see me. Pain, pleasure, hate, love they all have no meaning here its all one and the same for me. This is my dark dwelling and here I am safe.
~ZILjIN Lowh, Nov. 5, 2000 A.D.
I can feel the darkness all around me, like a tomb, it nourishes me and corrupts me all at once. Everything I do is enshrouding in darkness, blackened and blistered. Nothing seems real anymore and I want for nothing but to revel in the void that is me. Why do I stand in the shadows while you bask in the light? It is my choice one that I made years ago and will keep it. My void, abyss, to live and die in where nothing can harm me and where I can see everything, but nothing, no one can see me. Pain, pleasure, hate, love they all have no meaning here its all one and the same for me. This is my dark dwelling and here I am safe.
~ZILjIN Lowh, Nov. 5, 2000 A.D.
Life has meaning? To a point yes as I get older I just come to realize we become no one but those who we dispise. Everything we try to be seems to be harder to become. Is life worth living with all this bullshit that we have to put up with? To me it is, but only if you live it to its fullest, with respect for yourself. There are so many distractions to take you off track with your life, to make it not worth living. It is easy to be distracted I know this for a fact it's happened to me several times. Sometimes all we need is for someone to come and scream in our face, "Hey you! Wake up! Rise up! Open up your swollen eyes!" But there isn't always someone to do this. All I can say is look around you, see with more than your eyes, don't let your laziness hold you back, don't let your mind, religion, addictions, hatreds, or loves blind you. When in doubt, act. Don't let complacency hold you down. The world tries to hold you back, beat you down and keep you in your "place." Life has meaning, so stand up and make it heard, make the world know you exist and that you won't be beaten down into the ground. Take a stand and make your place in the world.
~ZILjIN Lowh July 24, 2000 A.D.
I, ZILjIN
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