Yes I Will
© 2001

I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep, but not succeeding. I 
rolled my body away from the door and closed my eyes; hoping sleep 
would overtake me soon. As I was lying there, I felt strong arms slip 
over my body. I rolled over yet again and came face to face with a pair 
of beautiful brown eyes. I smiled at the man whose arms I was cradled 
in.
	
"I thought you were asleep," he said slowly.

I smiled at him and wiggled the fingers of my right hand in front 
of my face and then pointed at him.

"You were waiting up for me?" he asked and I nodded. He pulled me 
close to him and kissed my forehead.

I pulled away from him and pointed at my chin with my index finger 
and then pointed at him.

He repeated the action while saying the words; "You missed me?" I 
nodded. I watched his lips and then asked a question, "Olive juice?" He 
smiled at me and then brought the middle and ring finger of his left 
hand down, telling me the sign for "I love you."

I playfully slapped his shoulder and told him, "You know sign." 
He just continued to grin at me. I reached up and ran my fingers 
through his tight blonde curls.

"Do you remember how we met?" he asked me.

I nodded and sat up. The man beside me sat up and looked at my 
naked chest. I caught his gaze, grinned bashfully and wrapped my arms 
across my bare breasts. I watched as the man pulled off his shirt and 
tossed it to me. I pulled it over my head and then launched into the 
story of how we had met.

*FLASHBACK*

I was walking through the mall by myself one evening, looking to 
meet up with a friend of mine, when I accidentally bumped into a tall, 
olive complected male. He had really short red hair, a black oddly 
sculpted goatee and tattoos all down his muscular arms. I ducked my 
head and scooted past him. I continued down the path heading towards my 
friend Ken. Before I reached him, the man I had run into caught up with 
me. I watched his lips move but he was excited and talking very fast so 
that I couldn't understand him. I looked up at him and shook my head. 
Ken, a man my own age of twenty with short brown hair and blue eyes, 
came running over to me. He placed a hand on the man's shoulder and 
told him to slow down. I was deaf, but I could read lips if he talked 
slowly. The man looked at me for a moment and then I watched as he 
said, "Do you know who I am?"

I smiled and with the help of Ken, told him, "You don't have to 
talk that slow. Just normally. No, I don't know who you are."

"Really?" the man said.

"Seriously, I don't know who you are."

The man smiled at me. "Have you ever heard of the Backstreet 
Boys?"

"A little, if you count reading about them."

The man in front of me gulped. "My name's Alex."

"Hi Alex, my name's Kim. Nice to meet you. Why do you mention 
Backstreet Boys?"

"Uh, no reason. So, uh, you come here often?"

"Someone's nervous. Only when I need to shop."

I watched as Alex suddenly tensed every muscle in his body. I saw 
him glance over his shoulder. I looked where he fixated for a moment. 
There were about fifty girls running towards us. All of a sudden, I was 
overcome with an intense fear of dying and I started to shake. Alex 
noticed this and grabbed my hand. He started sprinting towards the 
nearest exit. Ken followed us and we jumped into a black SUV with 
tinted windows. The driver turned the key and shortly after the crowd 
was first spotted, we were out on the road. Ken placed a hand on my 
shoulder as I continued to shake. "What was that?" I signed to Ken. 

He shrugged his shoulders. "Fifty screaming girls?" he joked.

"I know that," I replied forcefully, continuing to shake. "Why 
did it happen?" Again Ken shrugged his shoulders.

Alex turned around from the front seat and said, "Is she okay?"

"Yeah, she will be," Ken said, as I started rocking back and 
forth. "She's afraid of crowds."

"Better not hang with me then. I attract them like magnets."

"But she likes you."

I leaned over and smacked Ken. "How dare you! And remember, I am 
right here."

Ken circled his heart with his fist. "Sorry," he said.

"It's okay," I replied.

"Are you okay?" Alex asked. I nodded, taking several deep 
breaths.

Ken began translating for me again as I signed, "Why did that 
happen?"

"Remember how I mentioned the Backstreet Boys earlier?" I nodded. 

"Well, I'm a member."

"I don't understand."

"I am a member of the group Backstreet Boys." I nodded my head 
slowly, still not understanding him. "Can I see you again?"

"As long as that doesn't happen."

"No guarantees. But maybe you could come over to my house 
sometime?"

"I could."

"Would next Friday be okay?" I thought for a minute and then 
nodded. "I can come get you. Where do you live?" I gave Alex my address 
and he dropped me off there with Ken, vowing to be back the following 
week. I smiled at Ken and he walked his way down the street to his 
house.

The following Friday, I had the TV on as I was getting ready for 
Alex to come get me. I stood there drinking water reading the captions 
on the screen. Suddenly, I saw a shot of Alex on the screen. The 
reporter was saying something about how the dates for the next tour had 
been announced and then the light next to the door flashed telling me 
someone was ringing my doorbell. I put my glass down and went to open 
the door. On the other side was Alex. He had a rose in his hand, which 
he handed to me.

I pulled my right hand away from my mouth, thanking Alex. He 
repeated the action. I stared. "You know sign?" I asked.

"A little," he said and signed. I smiled. No guy I had ever gone 
out with had ever bothered to learn sign. They never lasted very long.

"So what did you tell him?"

Alex got a perplexed look on his face. "Who?"

"Your teacher," I replied.

I could see Alex thinking and then decided not to sign. "That 
there were some deaf fans out there and that maybe if one of us knew 
sign that it might help bridge the gap."

"Liar."

Alex nodded and continued. "He didn't believe me. He knew it was 
for a girl." He rubbed his hands together nervously as I went and put 
the rose in a vase of water. "Can we go now?" he asked as the lights in 
the house flickered in a pattern that told me the phone was ringing. I 
held up one finger and walked over to TTY machine, took the phone off 
the cradle and set in the designated spot on the machine. I typed in 
the word hello and waited for a response. Across the screen came the 
words, "Did he show?"

I smiled and typed. "He here now. GTG Jen."

I waited for her response and when I got it, hung up the phone on 
it's cradle again. "My friend," I told Alex. "Now we can go."

*END FLASHBACK*

"You were the first one to learn sign for me," I said. "It was 
sweet."

"Well, I liked you," he said slowly.

"I know."

"Have you been working on the songs?" 

"The songs?"

"Yeah, you said you were going to get to translating our songs."

"Oh. I totally forgot."

"It's okay. Why were you sleeping topless?" I stared at him. He 
walked over to me and plucked at his tee shirt and signed the word 
"why."

I smiled and told him, "I do it when you're away. I don't know."

He smiled at me. "Do you know what tomorrow is?"

"What?"

"Talk show."

"Talk show?"

"Yeah, we're flying out to Chicago tomorrow. Are you gonna come?"

I looked at him. "I don't know."

"Leighanne and Kristin are coming."

I rolled my eyes. "But they're married, we're not."

"I know. Please?" I ducked my head and nodded. Alex reached over 
and hugged me tightly. "I love you," he signed. I grinned at him and 
lay back down in bed, pulling the covers up around me. Alex got a 
defeated look on his face.

I rolled my eyes and told him to get into bed with me. He hopped 
under the covers and pulled me close to him. I snuggled down into his 
arms and drifted off to sleep.

I woke up the next morning to someone bouncing on the bed. I 
opened my eyes and saw Alex jumping on his knees on the end of the bed. 

"Get up! Get up!" he signed to me.

I looked over at the clock. "Seven in the morning," I signed 
back.

"Get up!" he signed again. "We have to leave." I rolled over and 
pulled the covers over my head. In a matter of seconds they were ripped 
from my hands and the light from outside was flooding my eyes. Alex 
rolled me over onto my back and climbed on top of me. He planted his 
lips firmly to mine and when we broke for air, he signed yet again, 
"Get up!"

"If I don't?" I asked. He leaned over yet again, kissing me 
roughly and stretching out on top of me. We broke for air and he ran 
his fingers through my long brown hair. There was a softness in his 
eyes as he ran his fingers down my cheek and over my lips. I opened my 
mouth and caught his finger in my lips. I sucked on his finger swirling 
my tongue around his skin. I watched as he tilted his head back and 
opened his mouth.

I let go of his finger and watched him as he signed, "I want you 
now." I grinned shyly and pushed him off of me and got up out of bed.

"You can't have me," I signed tauntingly.

"Like hell I can't," he said as he jumped off the bed and came 
running towards me. Just then the lights in the house flickered. 
"Door," he signed to me. "Get dressed. It's probably the guys," he 
said.

I watched him leave and then dug through the closet for something 
to wear. I had just put on my clothes when the door to the bedroom flew 
open and five men came billowing in. Behind them, two women followed. 
Alex was dressed in black leather pants, my favorite yellow fluffy 
sweater, black boots and a black cowboy hat. The other men, who 
collectively were known as the Backstreet Boys, but to me were just a 
group of friends, were dressed similarly in sweaters and pants. Both 
women had blonde hair that was just beyond their shoulders and blue 
eyes. One had wavy hair; that was Kevin Richardson's wife, Kristin. The 
one with straight hair, Brian Littrell's wife, Leighanne, waved at me 
and signed, "How are you?"

"I need to go take my meds," I told her, shaking slightly. I was 
in black jeans and a navy blue sweatshirt shaking like I was freezing.

"Good idea," she replied. "I'll come with you." Liehganne 
followed me into the bathroom and waited with me while I dug through 
the medicine cabinet looking for my anti-anxiety pills. When I found 
the two bottles, I opened them and dumped the pills into my hand. 
Quickly, I popped the pills into my mouth and filled a Dixie cup with 
water. Pouring the water into my mouth, I swallowed the pills. "You 
don't want to do this, do you?" Leighanne asked.

I shook my head and then told her, "I'm glad he didn't tell me 
earlier. I only would have been worrying about it." She patted my 
shoulder and we headed out into the bedroom. Everyone was waiting for 
us.

"You ready?" Alex signed. I nodded my head and all of us headed 
out the door. We drove to the airport, boarded the plane and were on 
our way to Chicago. The entire plane ride, I sat next to Alex 
practically doubled over in nervousness. I truly despised crowds and 
I'd be sitting among a lot of people I didn't know. Alex sat beside me 
and rubbed my back for almost the entire three-hour plane trip. We 
landed in Chicago and got off the plane. Surprisingly there was no one 
at the airport waiting for the internationally famous group. But that 
all changed when we got to the Harpo studios; there were hundreds of 
fans outside. I clung tightly to Alex's hand as we were driven around 
the back of the studio and sneaked in the back.

The wives and I were led to the audience and placed right up 
front. Before we were led away, I watched Alex tell Leighanne and 
Kristin to keep an eye on me and to make sure I didn't faint. When I 
watched those words form I remembered back to the first concert Alex 
had taken me to that he was performing at.

*FLASHBACK*

"Don't leave me!" I signed to Alex, clinging to his arm as he 
tried to walk away.

He turned around to face me and said, "Jimmy will take care of 
you. I've got a show to do. I'll be right there up on stage." He 
stroked my cheek, brushing away a stray tear. "Please don't worry. 
Everything will be alright." He kissed me sweetly. "I've gotta go get 
ready. You'll be right up front so I can see you and you can see me." 
He lowered the middle and ring finger on his right hand telling me he 
loved me. I repeated the movement with my left hand and placed it 
against his right hand. We wrapped our free hands around each other and 
hugged briefly. He then let go and headed off to go get ready and Jimmy 
led me to my seat just as the fans were let in. In a matter of minutes 
girls of every age, shape and size surrounded me. There were a few men 
in the audience, but other than them, the only men I saw were the 
security guards. As more people gathered around me, I began to shake. I 
focused my eyes on Jimmy, a burly black man with short hair that was 
dyed red. He was watching me closely and came over to me.

"He'll be out shortly. Do you think you can last?"

I nodded my head slowly and continued to shake. I managed to make 
it through the opening act without fainting. When Kevin Richardson, his 
cousin Brian Littrell, Nick Carter, Howie Dorough and Alex McLean took 
the stage, everyone around me was jumping up and down. Alex had told me 
once that they were times he was deaf because the noise their fans made 
was incredible. So, probably for the first time in my life, I was glad 
to be deaf. Some of the girls around me bumped into me, about sending 
me into a frenzy. I focused my attention on what was happening on stage 
and locked gazes with Alex momentarily. When he caught my attention, he 
flashed "I love you" at me. I smiled and that was the last thing I 
remembered about the concert. I must have fainted because the next 
thing I remember, I was waking up on a cot with other people around me. 
I started to shake yet again, but before too long, I saw Jimmy walk 
through the door. He looked at me. "Do you think you can walk?"

I nodded my head and very slowly stood up. I gingerly walked over 
to Jimmy and grabbed his arm. He then led me through the crowds to the 
back of the arena. There were hundreds of fans still swarming and we 
ran to the black tour bus. Jimmy put me in front of him and practically 
pushed me up the stairs. As soon as Jimmy was on the bus, the doors 
closed and the driver hit the accelerator. Alex was sitting right up 
front waiting for me. When I saw him, I collapsed in his arms and 
started crying.

*END FLASHBACK*

I sat there in the front row of the Oprah Winfrey Show between 
Leighanne and Kristin. No one was on stage yet but the director said 
that the show's host would be out momentarily. I sat there shaking and 
when everyone around me stood up, I stayed put. If I stood up, I knew 
I'd faint. Oprah brought the men out rather quickly and I locked gazes 
with Alex almost right away. Kristin placed her hand on my shoulder and 
I looked at her. "You okay?" she signed.

I nodded, but continued to shake uncontrollably. I managed to 
make it through half the show before the tears started rolling down my 
cheeks. Alex noticed and right after the show broke for commercial, he 
asked me, "You okay?"

I snapped my index and middle finger down on my thumb, telling 
him, "No." I then watched as he motioned with his fingers for me to 
come to him. He had barely made the sign and I was out of my seat and 
practically leaping into his lap. He pulled me close, wrapping his arms 
around me and patting my head. He rested my head on his shoulder as I 
cried; absolutely terrified of the position I was in.

"Who's this?" I saw Oprah ask.

I lifted my head and watched Alex's lips as he answered, "My 
girlfriend. She's a little panicked right now."

I pulled back slightly and signed, "A little? Try a whole lot!"

"I know," he signed. "Her name's Kim and she's deaf," Alex 
explained after noticing the shocked look on Oprah's face.

"Do you think you think she'll be okay before we get back from 
commercial?" the black woman asked.

"Not by the way she's clinging to me. Leighanne, Kristin, do one 
of you wanna translate for her?" I glimpsed the two women conversing 
among themselves and then they both got up. They went to Alex's right 
and sat down so that I could see them. Before too long, the cameras 
were rolling again and I was hiding my head in Alex's neck. He rubbed 
my back and gripped my hand.

"Well, if you're just joining us," Oprah said, "we're here with 
the Backstreet Boys." She paused for a minute and then continued. 
"Their new album 'Black and Blue' hits stores in two weeks. And we just 
found out that AJ has a girlfriend."

"He's been keeping her locked in a closet," Brian said.

"So how long has this been going on AJ?" Oprah asked.

"We've been together for just about a year now," he replied. "Her 
name is Kim and she actually didn't know who the Backstreet Boys were 
when I first met her."

"He was so ecstatic, he called all of us at all hours of the 
night to tell us that he had found someone in Orlando that didn't know 
we existed," Nick informed the audience.

"But that's only because she's deaf," said Kevin.

"So you guys all knew about this?" Oprah asked.

"Yeah," Howie replied. "When AJ came to us the day after he met 
her asking for someone to teach him sign language, we knew he was 
serious. He wanted to date this girl."

"Now we can't help but notice that she's clinging to you AJ. Why 
is that?"

"She can't stand crowds," he replied.

Nick looked up from his hands and said, "And she's dating a 
Backstreet Boy!"

I watched as Alex rolled his eyes at Nick's comment and said, 
"She's actually one of the first people to see me for me. We kept this 
low key for so long because we didn't want the press to hound her." I 
watched as Alex pulled two fingers away from the side of his face and 
pointed to himself. I resituated myself so I could look at him. "You 
feel how?" he asked me in sign.

I waved my hand back and forth telling him not that great. I then 
reattached myself to Alex but he quickly told me "No." I repositioned 
myself again. "Would you talk to the nice people?" he asked me in sign. 
I looked at him, and he ducked his head and circled his heart with an 
open palm. "Please?" The look in his eyes made me feel bad for clinging 
to him like I was. I loosened my grip on his neck, but moved my hand 
down to his and grabbed his tightly.

"Kim, when did this start?" Oprah asked me. I watched Leighanne 
sign the words to me and then answered in sign. It took a minute for 
Kristin to translate my answer.

"I was young. I really don't remember. I do remember that I 
always hated recess. All those kids running around. And assemblies were 
the worst. I think I may have been five or six when I first realized 
it. At church maybe. I really don't remember."

"How do you handle dating a Backstreet Boy? There are always fans 
around."

Again I watched as Leighanne translated and then answered, "I 
don't usually go out with Alex. I tend to stay home and support him in 
whatever he wants to do. I don't usually travel with them, though I did 
go with him to Sweden recently. It was a vacation for me. That's where 
I met my best friend, Krystal."

"Krystal is our opening act for the next tour," Kevin explained.

"She's a loon," Brian replied.

"She and I are about the same size," I went on to explain. "So we 
borrow each other's clothes. She was the one who gave me my name sign." 
I performed the sign for them. It was the sign for clothes with a K 
hand shape. "And I gave her hers." I performed Krystal's, which was a K 
hand shape circling above my head. As soon as I finished the sign, I 
immediately went back to clinging to Alex's neck. I was terrified. I 
felt Alex start to stroke my back trying to calm me down as Oprah moved 
on in the conversation. 
I don't remember what happened next. I was sitting there shaking 
like a leaf and I leaned my head on Alex's shoulder. The next thing I 
knew we were back in the car heading to the airport. I opened my eyes 
and looked up at Alex. I was lying stretched out in the backseat of a 
van with my head in Alex's lap. He was stroking my hair looking down at 
me. When our eyes met, he signed "Good morning."

My arms felt like lead weights as I lifted them to ask, "Did I 
faint?" Alex nodded. "I'm sorry," I told him.

"It's okay. You did great today." He smiled at me. "I'm proud of 
you."

I put my head to my chest and blushed. "Me sleep," I signed and 
Alex nodded. I closed my eyes and drifted off into sweet nothingness.

That night, when Alex dropped me off at my house I practically 
begged him to stay with me. I was still having attacks from my 
experience earlier and I didn't want something to happen during the 
night. He more than willingly obliged.

The next morning, Alex and I were lying in bed watching the 
morning news. The show was just finishing when a picture from the 
previous day's taping of the "Oprah Winfrey Show" appeared on the 
screen. My eyes went to the bottom of the screen, reading the news 
anchor's commentary.

"The biggest kept secret in the music industry is out. AJ McLean 
of the Backstreet Boys has a girlfriend. The whispered rumors of fans 
was confirmed yesterday on the 'Oprah Winfrey Show.' Orlando native 
Kimberly Davis appeared on the Chicago based show with her beau of 
almost a year speaking through translators telling the tale of her 
anxiety disorder. Miss Davis is a graduate of the Mary Hayes School for 
the Deaf and currently works for McCafferty Web Design. The 'Oprah 
Winfrey Show' is set to air one week from today."

I grabbed the remote up off the comforter and clicked off the TV. 
I tossed the black plastic remote down on the bed and furiously threw 
the covers off my body. I started pacing back and forth in front of my 
bed. I couldn't believe what had just been broadcast on the news. Alex 
stepped in front of me and signed, "What's wrong?"

"I knew this would happen," I told him, walking around him.

"Knew what?" he asked when I turned back towards him.

"I'm not leaving the house again!" I signed forcefully.

"What do you mean you're not leaving?" Alex asked, so overcome 
with shock that he forgot to sign.

"I'm not leaving," I signed again, crawling into bed and tucking 
the covers up around my chin.

"Aw, what's the matter?" Alex said, sitting down on the bed 
beside me.

"I'm not leaving. I knew I should have stayed home yesterday." I 
sighed. I knew I wasn't making very much sense, but I was upset and 
scared. "What's going to happen to me if I try to leave now? I'm going 
to be mobbed by reporters? Alex you know I don't like crowds."

"You don't know that," he signed and then smoothed my hair. "And 
what about work?"

"I can work from home," I told him.

"What about me? You know we're going to the MTV Europe awards in 
three weeks. I wanted you to come with me. We're flying around the 
world after that. I wanted you to be with me when we went to New York 
and debuted the album."

I looked away from him momentarily and then glanced back up at 
his big brown eyes. There was so much sadness in them I almost started 
crying. "I'm sorry," I signed. "I can't take the crowds. You know 
that."

"Well, at least we have a couple of weeks together," he signed 
and smiled at me. "What are you going to do when I go on tour in 
January?"

"What I did the last time you went on tour: stay here." I smiled, 
loosening my grip on the comforter.

"Baby, you can't stay locked up here forever."

"Watch me," I replied and rolled over away from him. I felt him 
crawl up on the bed behind me and wrap his arms around my body. I felt 
his fingers move against my stomach and glanced down. I saw his right 
hand forming the sign "I love you" against my body. I smiled and moved 
my head to turn over and look at him. I caught his mouth with mine and 
kissed him sweetly. He rolled over on top of me, deepening the kiss as 
he did. I felt his hands slide down over my body as he continued to 
kiss my lips, cheeks and neck. His hand reached the waistband of my 
pajamas and I stopped him, grabbing his hand. "No," I told him. 
He sat up, straddling my hips. "I know, I know," he signed. "Not 
until we're married." I smiled up at him. I watched as he placed his 
right hand on his chest and then moved both hands in unison in a 
curvaceous way, the almost universal sign for woman. I looked up at him 
perplexed, not quite understanding what he was saying. "My lady," he 
said and repeated the action. I smiled. "I've got things I need to do 
with the guys today. Do you need anything?"

I shook my head and told him, "I need to get some work done today 
anyway. When's Krystal coming in?"

"Next week. I know you're excited to see her. I wonder what funky 
clothing you'll end up with this time?" I smiled. "Do you mind if I 
come over tomorrow morning? I've got a surprise for you."

"You have a key. I don't care."

"Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow morning then. Oh yeah, 
Leighanne said she'd stop by today to check on you. You had us all 
worried yesterday." I nodded my understanding and watched as he got up 
off of me and then lean over and kiss my lips. "I'll see you tomorrow 
then." I smiled and stared after him as he walked out of my bedroom. 
Once he was gone, I walked into my bathroom and fished out my 
medication. The day following an excursion with Alex was always 
horrible. I remembered back to the day after the first concert I had 
attended.

*FLASHBACK*

The concert had been the last of the tour and it had been there 
at home in Orlando. The guys were using the buses so their fans 
wouldn't know what their cars looked like. I knew from all the websites 
I had surfed that they already knew. The day after the show, I wound up 
in bed, unable to do anything. The slightest movement sent chills down 
my body. I couldn't walk without falling; my knees were so weak beneath 
me. That morning, I managed to get my laptop computer over near enough 
to me to check my email. I emailed Ken, knowing he would be online 
because we worked for the same company. I told him I needed him over at 
my house. Well, little did I know, Alex was also on his way over. Ken, 
who had a key to my house, met Alex on my doorstep and let him inside. 
I saw Ken and smiled and practically retched when I saw Alex. It wasn't 
that I didn't want to see him, I just didn't want him to see me in my 
current state.

I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was scared for me. 
He had no idea what I was going through. I convinced Ken to bring my 
medications and a glass of water. Alex sat on the bed and smoothed my 
hair out which was a mess from a night of tossing and turning. I took 
my pills and they helped a little bit, but I knew I was knee deep in 
what was going to be a long day. I curled up in bed and pulled the 
covers tight around my body hoping the chills would go away. They 
didn't. Alex stroked my back, asking Ken what was going on.

"She hasn't had a day like this in ages," Ken told him, and 
signed for me. "I think it's because of the concert last night," he 
said. I nodded slightly, telling him that it was, but my head felt so 
heavy that I could barely move it.

"Why is she like this?" Alex asked.

"No one knows. I don't even think she knows," he told the man. 
"It's something she really has no control over except with medication. 

I know she's tried just about everything. Meditation, hypnosis, 
everything she can think of. Nothing's worked so far. Usually she's 
like this leading up to an event and then immediately following. 
Needless to say she hasn't had many excursions like the one last night 
though." 

I curled myself up into a ball and tried to go to sleep, hoping 
that just a little nap would help calm my nerves. I managed to get a 
few hours sleep, someone sitting right next to me the entire time. When 
I woke up, I did feel a little better. I tried walking and with help I 
was able to make it to the bathroom. The entire day I spent in bed, 
tossing, turning and not eating anything. Eating upset my already 
nauseated stomach. I couldn't keep anything down. I finally managed to 
tell Ken at the end of the day that Alex should have a key to my place, 
just in case I needed him. Ken agreed, knowing how much I cared for 
Alex, even though it had only been a few months that we had been 
dating. Alex's sign was getting better and he was able to understand 
more of what I said. He was beginning to sign just about all the time 
we were together, and if he didn't know the sign, he'd ask me. I could 
tell his skills were getting much better.

The next morning, things were back to normal. I was able to move 
again and my stomach wasn't upset anymore. Alex came over just to check 
on me and when he found me up and moving around, he was visibly 
relieved. The fact that he was so scared for me touched me. It told me 
that he cared for me as well. I felt honored to be with him at that 
point and told him so.

*END FLASHBACK*

I took my medication and then headed to my computer. As I was 
getting there, I stumbled, grabbing onto the chair to steady myself. I 
knew then that the anxiety was setting in. I tried my best to get work 
done, but I couldn't do very much, my mind drifting back to the 
previous day. About mid-day, after Leighanne had stopped by, I 
eventually gave up my struggle and got undressed, crawling into bed 
completely naked, feeling the coolness of the sheets against my body. I 
stayed there, in bed, just about doubled over in pain, hoping the waves 
of anxiety would pass. They didn't. As the day wore on, I just began to 
grow accustomed to the feeling of my body trembling. I pulled my knees 
in tight to my chest, hugging my body willing myself to go to sleep. 
Finally about midnight, I managed to fall into a dreamless sleep.

The next morning I awoke to someone kissing my cheek. I opened my 
eyes and saw Alex standing over my bed. "Good morning," he signed. I 
smiled and repeated the sign. He noticed the sheets lying across my 
chest showing off my bare shoulders and signed, "I thought you only 
slept topless when I was away?"

I shrugged my shoulders and told him to turn around which he did. 
I grabbed my robe off the foot of the bed and put it on, before 
crawling out of bed. I stood up and tapped Alex on the shoulder he 
turned around and engulfed me in a hug. When he let me go, he reached 
for the belt on my robe. I slapped his hand away.

"I just want to look at you," he signed. "Is that okay?" I 
allowed him to open my robe, but immediately tried to shield myself 
from his eyes. He gently moved my arms away from my body and pushed the 
fabric off my shoulders. I closed my eyes, utterly embarrassed at the 
fact that I was standing there completely nude in front of my 
boyfriend. Alex lifted my chin and I opened my eyes to meet his. 
"You're beautiful," he told me in sign. I blushed and ducked my head. 
He reached down onto the floor and picked up my robe placing it again 
on my shoulders. "Get dressed," he signed and headed out the door of my 
room. I quickly found some sweats and threw them on following where 
Alex had gone. I found him in the living room. There was a bag sitting 
in the middle of the floor and he was sitting cross-legged near it. He 
signed for me to come near him. I walked over and lowered myself next 
to the bag near Alex. "I know how much you loved Brian's dogs and well, 
I thought you'd need a companion while you were holed up in your house 
for the next several weeks," he signed to me. The words were barely 
formed on his hands when a tiny black nose poked its way out of the 
bag. I leaned over and looked inside. There was a tan Chihuahua similar 
to Brian's two dogs. "Her name is Taylor and she knows sign," Alex 
signed to me as I picked up the dog and held her in my arms.

"Really?" I signed to Alex as I set the dog on the ground. "Show 
me."

Alex snapped his fingers and the dog came near him. The sign he 
had performed was the sign for dog. He then pointed to the ground and 
low and behold the dog sat down. With an open palm he pushed towards 
the ground and I watched as the little animal lay down. Alex used his 
index finger and rolled it over several times in the air and the dog 
rolled over. With an open palm again he placed his hand in the air palm 
down and the flipped it over. The dog rolled over and put all four legs 
in the air. She was playing dead. Alex reached over into the bag and 
pulled out a little dog treat and fed it to her. She leapt to her feet 
and eagerly snatched the cookie from his fingers munching on it 
quickly. "I've been working with her on this one," he signed and then 
lifted his open left palm up in the air. The dog sat up on its hind 
legs waiting. Alex spun his index finger in the air above the dog's 
head and the dog slowly walked in a circle. I grinned. When the dog 
placed all four feet on the floor, Alex fed it another cookie. "I've 
had her for about two months now and have been working with her day and 
night to get all the signs right." I smiled and applauded both the dog 
and my boyfriend. He pointed to the kitchen and signed, "Her dog food 
is in there, since she's so little, I've been feeding her half a cup of 
dry stuff in the morning and that seems to last her all day. Her food 
and water dishes are already in the kitchen. Her leash is by the door. 
And other than that, I don't know what else to tell you."

"Has she had her shots?" I asked.

"Yeah, she's fine until next year. Her vet is the same one as my 
pups, so there's no problem there. There's actually a vet tech in there 
that is fluent in ASL, I found out last week, so don't worry about it." 
I smiled again. The little dog came over to me and climbed up into my 
lap. I petted her stiff tan fur and then thanked Alex for the gift. 
"You're welcome," he signed. I picked up the dog and brought her to my 
face, kissing her nose. Her tongue shot out and licked my chin. "She 
likes you," Alex signed. I grinned and put the dog back down. "Oh yeah, 
I forgot to tell you. She has her own little carrier." I looked at Alex 
quizzically. "It's a specially designed backpack. Brian designed it so 
he could carry Tyke with him on tour. It's also by the door. She really 
likes it in there and it's probably the best way to transport to the 
vet and such."

"That's good," I told him. "How did Brian come up with the idea?"

"Well, he initially was carrying Tyke around in a regular 
backpack, but realized the little guy was slipping really far into the 
bag. So he started trying different things and finally, he came up with 
the bag. He's working on patents right now."

I smiled as Alex walked over to my hall closet and pulled out the 
backpack looking bag. "It's got a place for her as well as her leash, 
dog treats and even some dog food."

"Wow. Brian did a lot of work on this." Alex nodded. "I thought 
he only had two dogs."

"He does. But he made me something like six of them for my dogs 
and I only have four! Nick has four for his dogs and well, I decided 
I'd give you one of mine. I sure don't think I'm going to be getting 
any more dogs anytime soon. I even had her name and number embroidered 
on the bag so incase it ever gets lost."

"How thoughtful," I replied, picking the dog up as I walked over 
towards Alex. I kissed him as I clung to the little animal in my arms.

Over the next couple weeks, Alex was almost a constant at my 
house. And one thing he always brought with him was his video camera. 
He told me that he would lend it to me while he was on tour so that 
this way we could keep in touch. But before then, he was video taping 
me. Every time I turned around, he had the thing practically glued to 
his face. He came in one day with it while I was baking cookies. He 
asked what I was doing and I told him and then proceeded to offer him a 
taste of the chocolate cookie dough. Another time he was over, Taylor 
and I were out in the back yard dancing in the winter rain. He just 
stood on the back porch getting the whole thing on video. I just 
grinned at him and continued my dance with my dog. He even showed up 
with Krystal when she came into town and video recorded me trying on 
all of the clothes she had brought me. 

The day before he left for Sweden for the MTV Europe awards he 
dropped by with a wrapped package for me. "I know you can't hear it," 
he signed, "but I thought you should have a copy. I know you've never 
heard me sing, but Ken told me once that you could feel vibrations. So 
I thought I'd let you try and figure out which vibration is me." I 
laughed at him as I unwrapped the CD. The cover was half black and half 
blue just like the title implied.

"I'll let you know what I discover," I told him, grinning.

"When I get back, we'll have a tour itinerary of where we're 
staying, so I'll be able to let you know what hotels I'm at."

"So am I just going to overnight the video's to you then?" I 
asked.

"Yeah. Just makes sure you leave a note for the desk clerk of 
what name I signed in under. It'll be with the itinerary." I nodded. 
"Anyway, I should get going. I want to finish packing before we leave 
tomorrow. I'll see you on the twenty-second, okay?" I nodded. "By the 
way. How are things? Have you gone out at all?"

"Only with Ken to go grocery shopping," I replied.

"That's it?"

"Yeah."

"How was that?"

"Horrible," I replied. "I felt like everyone was staring at me."

"It's okay," he said, engulfing me in a hug. "Just remember that 
I'm always there for you," he signed. I smiled. He signed "I love you" 
and I repeated the sign, pressing my hand to his. He leaned over and 
kissed me and then signed, "I'll see you soon, okay?" I nodded and he 
walked out the door.

Over the next one hundred hours, he emailed me every chance he 
got. He told me that MTV was following them and that they would be 
doing an episode of "Diary" that would be on later on in the year. He 
kept me up-to-date on what was going on, how many fans had shown up and 
different things. I began to look forward to his emails every couple of 
hours. On the twenty-first, I turned on MTV and caught him on 
"Backstreet Over Broadway." He signed "I love you," on the air and I 
knew it was directed at me. After the show was over, I turned on my 
stereo and popped in the CD. I turned the volume up and placed my hands 
on the speakers. I couldn't tell who was who on the album, but the 
whole thing had a nice feel to it.

The next day, Alex was on my doorstep with a folder in hand. "I 
have the itinerary," he signed, sliding the folder under his arm. I let 
him inside, amid Taylor jumping up and down and asked him to show it to 
me. The first thing he pulled out was a US map. On it were red circles 
showing the stops and red lines connected each of the circles. He then 
handed me a list of dates followed by hotels and cities. "I'll be 
signed in under this name," he signed and then pointed to the name at 
the top of the page. He then set the folder down and started signing 
fast and furious. He'd obviously practiced it several times. "Be sure 
to include a note on the package for the desk clerk. Tell them that I 
will be coming in with the Backstreet Boys and that I would be signing 
in under that name. It's probably best if you are a day ahead of me, 
this way the package gets there before I do. You really want to 
overnight the tapes to the hotel, this way they are there waiting for 
me." I nodded my understanding.

"It's only for two months," I signed. "I think I'll live without 
you for that long, but still it's nice to have this as an option." I 
stopped and thought for a moment. "You will email right?"

"Of course I will," he signed back. In all this time he hadn't 
opened his mouth which really surprised me. He leaned over and kissed 
my cheek. "Okay, I'm done," he told me.

I smiled. "You've come a long way," I told him.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"In all that time, you didn't open your mouth to speak once. I'm 
impressed."

"I didn't?" He looked shocked, not quite believing himself. I 
shook my head. "Wow," he signed.

"Wow indeed. What's next on your agenda? Poetry?" He looked at me 
quizzically over the sign I had just used, so I spelled it out for him. 
He nodded in understanding.

"No, not yet," he told me.

Over the next month and a half, I met with all the guys several 
times. They all came over to visit and Krystal brought over more 
clothes though she was disappointed that I wasn't going out and about. 
She had given me these great clothes and well, I hadn't been showing 
them off to anyone. I apologized and we talked about what she would 
wear on tour. When she told me, I was envious. It was a great outfit 
and I wished I could go and see her. When I met with Leighanne and 
Brian, Brian was the first to ask me how I was doing. I just grinned 
and told him I was fine. Leighanne knew better. When we were alone, I 
confessed that the anxiety attacks were becoming more frequent and that 
I couldn't even go out and get the mail. My picture and story had been 
plastered all over the place lately. In the newspaper, on TV, 
everywhere. My friend Jen, who lived in Nebraska, vowed to come out and 
visit while the guys were out on tour to help with things like getting 
the mail and going grocery shopping. Leighanne was glad to hear that I 
was going to be helped out around the house. It pained her to see me in 
the condition I was. She knew it was going to take a lot for me to ever 
go out again.

The day before Alex left for Fort Lauderdale, to start the tour, 
he came over to my house and again woke me up. He kissed me and told me 
that he would return after March twenty-fifth. I hugged him and 
promised to email and if I could, I would send off a video to him. He 
curled up in bed next to me and very slowly started kissing me. He 
pried at my mouth and eventually managed to slip his tongue inside. I 
felt his fingers in my hair and they slowly began their descent down 
the sides of my face. I pulled away from his lips and took his index 
finger in mouth. I sucked slowly on his skin, swirling my tongue around 
him. I glanced up and caught his gaze. There was lust in his eyes. His 
mouth was a perfect "O" and I knew he had to be moaning his 
contentment. He began to grind his hips against mine, begging entrance 
to my body. I refused him, yet continued to suck his finger. With his 
free hand, he reached down and undid his jeans, sighing as he did. I 
let go of his finger.

"I don't want you," he signed. "Well, I do, but I'm not going to, 
okay? I just had to loosen up." I closed my eyes and nodded. He lifted 
my chin from my chest. "Can I do to you what you do to me, please?" he 
asked.

Again I closed my eyes and nodded. He rolled me over onto my back 
and climbed on top of me. Very slowly, he unbuttoned my flannel shirt, 
exposing my breasts. He took each one in his hands and massaged them 
slowly and gently. I closed my eyes and let him kneed my flesh for a 
while. I had to admit to myself that it did feel really nice and I 
certainly didn't know how I was going to survive without him for two 
months. His mouth found mine again, his tongue running over my teeth. 
For what seemed like an eternity, we lay there, completely captivated 
in each other's gazes and the feel of our bodies against one another. 
Stopping his torture of my skin, Alex climbed off of me and lay on his 
side. He ran the back of his hand down my stomach and then back up on 
my skin. I looked over at him and he signed, "You're beautiful." I 
smiled at him.

"You just made this hard," I signed to him.

"What?"

"You leaving. Now I don't know what I'm going to do without you."

He smiled at me and brought his hand up to the side of my face. 
He stroked my cheek for a minute and then went on to sign, "The tour 
will be over before you know it. And you have Taylor. Things will be 
okay." I nodded and he pulled me in close to his chest. I felt his 
chest heave with every breath he took. I glanced up into his chocolate 
brown eyes and sighed. It felt so wonderful to be loved by him.

The next day, he was picked up at my doorstep by the rest of the 
guys. Krystal was with them and we promised to write to each other. I 
hugged each of the guys and then kissed Alex sweetly. We signed our 
goodbyes and "I love yous" and then he left with the rest of the guys. 
I immediately went back into my sanctuary, having barely stepped out 
onto the porch and cried. All of a sudden I felt alone in the world. 
Taylor came over to me and jumped around my ankles. I scooped her up 
and hugged her tight to my chest. The two of us then retired to my bed 
to watch the morning talk shows.

The weeks passed and I received emails from Alex and Krystal on 
an almost regular basis. By about March first, I wasn't leaving my 
house for anything. I ordered my groceries online, and they were 
delivered to my door. Fortunately for me, Taylor didn't get sick, so I 
didn't have to venture to the vet. I did all my work from home, my 
clients being very pleased with the websites I designed for them. 
Everything was wonderful, as long as I didn't leave the house. I even 
convinced the mailman to deliver my mail directly through a mail slot 
in my door instead of to the mailbox on the street.

Krystal emailed me from Las Vegas and said things on the tour 
were fine and asked how I was. When I told her what had been going on, 
she got really concerned. I begged her not to tell Alex, but knew that 
she would and the very next day I got an urgent email from him. He told 
me it wasn't right for me to be holed up in the house all the time. I 
just reassured him that I was okay and as long as I didn't faint, 
things would be fine. I was taking my medications. He was a little 
skeptical, but went on to believe me.

A few weeks later, he came home a complete wreck. We didn't see 
each other for four days after he came back to Orlando because he 
wanted a few days to organize himself. When he finally did make it to 
my place, he was even more concerned than he was on tour. "You haven't 
left the house?" he asked me.

I shook my head and told him how every time I stepped outside the 
door I felt so sick I couldn't move. He just looked at the carpet 
beneath his feet and shook his head.

He looked back at me and signed, "I was wondering if you would do 
me a favor?"

"What?" I asked.

"On June eighth we have a concert here in Orlando. Would you 
come?" I stared at him. "There's something I want you to see and I want 
you there with me. Please?" he begged.

"I'll have to think about it," I told him, not sure if I would 
even be able to set foot outside my door.

"Alright, I can live with that answer for right now," he signed 
and kissed my forehead.

Over the next month, we spent time together, Alex continually 
trying to get me outside and me still refusing to do it. 

One day, he was over at my house, practically begging me to come 
to the show in Orlando on the eighth. "I'm not going!" I told him 
forcefully.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because. You know why."

"Baby, you can't spend your life stuck indoors."

"Yes I can," I shot back in sign. I couldn't believe he was being 
this difficult. "You know what happens if I'm in a crowd. I faint. If 
no one's around, well, then I'm pretty much a goner."

"But what does going outside have to do with crowds?"

"You think I don't know now that you're a celebrity? I know that 
you're a Backstreet Boy. I may not have known when I met you, but I 
know now. I'm absolutely terrified about stepping outside and running 
into a crowd of people who want to ask my questions or something. I 
don't know how to handle myself."

Alex sighed. "And by staying indoors you're going to learn that?" 
he signed. "You're not going to learn how to handle the crowds if you 
don't go out and experience them."

"Easy for you to say."

"Come on Baby. I'll be right there the whole time. You won't 
faint and the crowd will be several feet away. You won't even have to 
be near them."

"No!" I told him, and turned my back. 

He didn't tap me on the shoulder or come around in front of me 
right away; knowing the argument was over. After a minute, he stepped 
in front of me. "Okay. I'm sorry. If you don't want to this, that's 
fine. But will you at least think about it a little more? Krystal will 
be there with you when I can't be there. You don't need to worry about 
it. Please?"

"Okay, I'll think," I told him. He kissed me and pulled me into 
an embrace.

At the end of April, he headed off to South America. I knew at 
that point that I only had a month to prepare myself for the concert. 
Alex had told me that I would be backstage with him and I would watch 
what was going on stage on a video monitor. It still terrified me to 
think that I was going to be going to another show with him. The day I 
had agreed to do it, Alex had hugged me and kissed me like I'd just 
agreed to marry him. He told me that whatever happened he was proud of 
me.

The night of the eighth of June finally arrived and Alex picked 
me up at my house. I had actually gotten dressed up for the occasion 
and clung to Alex's hand as he led me out to the car. The entire way to 
the arena, I stared out the window and shook uncontrollably. At the 
venue, Alex led me to a spot backstage and showed me the television 
that I would be watching the events unfold on stage. He stayed with me 
until Krystal got off stage, and then she came back to be with me too. 
Alex had to leave to go do the show so I had to let go of his hand. I 
gripped Krystal's arm and basically forced her to stand right next to 
me as I curled myself up into a tight ball, shaking.

"Girl, why are you sweating?" she signed to me. "Are you 
nervous?"

I nodded my head and continued to shake. After a short while, 
Alex came backstage to be with me. On the screen, Brian was out center 
stage by himself. I stood up and grabbed Alex around the waist when I 
saw him. "Watch the screen," he told me. Still hanging on to him, I 
turned so I could see what was happening.

On stage, Brian asked the crowd to quiet down. I knew this 
because he was signing as well as speaking. Once he had the crowd 
quieted, he asked them to be completely silent. "Thank you," Brian 
signed and said to the crowd. "I know a lot of you have been asking 
about AJ's girlfriend, Kim, and why you don't see her around. Well, I 
want you all to be silent for a minute." I watched as Brian stood there 
completely alone in front of a crowd. No one moved. Brian then started 
speaking again. "That is what she hears. Absolutely nothing. She's 
deaf. She was born that way. AJ met her by accident and was completely 
taken with her. The reason you don't see them together like Leighanne 
and I is because she's terrified of crowds. She's on medication to help 
with this, but still, she can't handle the pressure. We'd like to bring 
her out tonight because AJ has a surprise for her. As for right now, 
I'd like to teach you all how to applaud in sign language." I watched 
as he showed the crowd how to do it. It was simply waving their hands 
in the air, something I knew they all did anyway. "We need to show Kim 
that we support her in this. This is a big step for her." I watched as 
Brian turned to stage right and said, "AJ, whenever you're ready."

I looked up at Alex, who loosened my grip around his waist and 
took my right hand. "It'll be okay," he signed to me. Very slowly we 
walked toward the spot where Brian was looking. The steps seemed to 
take forever, even though we were only about ten feet from where we 
needed to be. I buried my head in Alex's shoulder as we crossed the 
threshold out onto the stage. A spotlight hit us as we walked very 
slowly toward Brian. I looked at him. He was applauding me as well as 
the rest of the Backstreet Boys. Krystal was also on stage, applauding 
as well. I glanced around Alex's body out into the crowd. Everyone out 
there had their hands in the air, waving back and forth. I started 
shaking and Alex tightened his grip on my hand as I put my eyes back on 
his body, not daring to look out at the crowd. Alex stopped walking 
when we were about five feet from Brian. He moved me around so I was 
standing between him and his friend and that I was facing the way we 
had come. I tried to turn my head to look out at the crowd, but Alex 
grabbed my chin and pulled me back towards him. He pointed at his eyes 
and signed, "Look right here." I felt the stage beneath me vibrate. "I 
wrote this song for you," he signed. We stood there for a long time it 
seemed before he started signing again. Every time I tried to look out 
at the crowd, he would pull my chin back to look at him. I was shaking 
like a leaf and knew that if I stayed out there much longer, I would 
faint. Alex noticed it too and took my hands. He let go suddenly and 
started signing. "This is no ordinary love. And I can never have enough 
of all the things you’ve given to me. You’re my heart, my soul, my 
everything. Every night I thank you Lord for giving me the strength to 
love her more and more each day I promise her as long as I hear those 
three words." He stopped signing again. The entire time I watched him, 
my hands covered my mouth. Alex was here, not only singing to the 
crowd, but he was professing his love for me in front of everyone. In 
those few words that he signed to me, he told me everything I needed to 
know, but he wasn't finished yet. He continued a short while later. "I 
stand beside you in everything you do. Wherever you go, whatever you do
Baby, I’ll be there. As God is my witness, I will carry this through 
‘til death do us part, I promise to you...Yes I will. Take your hand 
and walk with you. Yes I will. Say these three words that promise to. 
Yes I will. Give you everything you need and someday start a family 
with you. Yes I will. Take your hand and walk with you. Yes I will. 
Baby, I promise you. Yes I will. Give you everything you need and 
someday start a family with you. I will." I cried as he finished, 
wrapping my arms around his waist. He lifted my chin and wiped away my 
tears before signing, "I love you."

I repeated the sign, hugging him tightly. "Beautiful," I signed 
and he replied with, "Thank you."

"Can I go now?" I asked, still relatively close to him.

He nodded and took my hand leading me off stage. I caught a 
glimpse of the crowd as he led me off and they were all waving their 
hands in the air again. I smiled.

"See, that wasn't that bad, was it?" he asked, as he led me back 
to my chair.

"Yes!" I told him.

"We'll talk about it later, okay?" I nodded. "Remember, I love 
you."

"I love you," I signed back as he hurried to get back out on 
stage.

Later that night, after the show, as I was retching in my 
bathroom over the experience I had gone through, Alex came in. He held 
my hair back as I relieved my stomach of whatever was left in it. When 
I finally finished, he placed a damp cloth on my forehead and allowed 
me to lean back against the wall, still sitting on the tile floor. "I 
didn't know you could do that," I told him, relishing in the coolness 
of the cloth on my head.

"I've been working on it forever," he told me. "Pretty much since 
the album came out. I've wanted to do it for you for a long time, but 
was never sure when would be good."

"Do you mean it?"

"Mean what?" he asked.

"What you said in the song."

"What about it?" He obviously wasn't getting at my meaning.

"I looked the lyrics up online. Do you mean it?"

He smiled. "I was hoping you wouldn't catch that part, because I 
wanted to do this right. But yes, you caught me." I watched from my 
spot on the floor as he stood up and went into the bedroom to get his 
jacket. When he came back he had a small box in his hand. "I want you 
to know that I'm not doing this just to sleep with you. I'm doing this 
because I love you." He got down on his knee in front of me, balanced 
the box on his knee and signed, "Will you marry me?" I looked at him 
through blurry eyes. It was more than just the tears of pain that were 
running down my cheeks; there were also tears of joy.

I looked up at his brown eyes before answering. "Yes, I will." He 
smiled at me and opened the box on his knee. It was a small diamond 
ring on a gold band. He placed it on the ring finger of my left hand 
and then kissed me gently. When he pulled away from me, he held me at 
arms length to look at me. While he was caressing me with his gaze, I 
felt my stomach turn again. I leaned over the toilet bowl and retched 
again, feeling awful. Alex just leaned over, held my hair out of my 
face, and rubbed my back.