------- The Hat © 2000 ------- When Jackie Littrell handed me the grocery bag, I thought of protesting, but I knew it would be no use. I thanked her and headed to Becca's little blue Escort. The past four days had been four of the worst in my life. My idol, Brian Littrell had died on April 12, 2000 of a sudden heart attack. His funeral was on April 15, my twentieth birthday. Today was Sunday, the day after. Mrs. Littrell had asked my friend Becca Williams and I to come over to the house. Brian's girlfriend Leighanne Wallace had come with us. I climbed in the car and didn't say a word. No one said anything. We were all too wrapped up in our memories. We dropped Leighanne off at the Richardson's house. She invited us in, but we declined saying we were too drained and needed to get some sleep before dinner that night. It wasn't a lie; both Becca and I were drained, but we both knew we wouldn't get any sleep before dinner that night. Leighanne had invited us to join her and the remaining Backstreet Boys for dinner. Becca and I didn't say anything on the drive back to the hotel. When we reached her room, she said to me as she unlocked the door, "What's in the bag?" "I don't know. I'll open it in a second." I walked inside her room and sat down on the bed. Becca set the photo album and sweatshirt Mrs. Littrell had given her on a chair and came and sat down on the bed with me. I reached into the bag and pulled out a folded navy blue sweatshirt. I carefully unfolded it. It was a large University of Kentucky sweatshirt. Across the front it said in white lettering "Kentucky Wildcats." I held it to my chest. I caught a whiff of cologne and my eyes filled with tears. I laid the sweatshirt down on the bed beside me and reached again into the bag. I grabbed a baseball cap and pulled it out. It was blue and had a big white "K" on the front. On the back it said "Wildcats" in white cursive embroidery. I smiled. "Oh my God," Becca said under her breath. She got up and walked around the bed to the nightstand. She picked up an identical hat and showed it to me. "Becca, I think that's the hat. The one that Brian wore." I looked at her. I then started crying uncontrollably. We both cried for a while and then decided to wear our special gifts to dinner that night. Of course the sweatshirt was a little big on me; it was a large and I'm a very small person. I put on blue jeans and then put on the baseball cap. With the brim forward, it hid too much of my face and eyes, so I turned it backwards and tucked my shoulder length brown hair behind my ears. Becca and I then headed down to her car parked in the parking lot. We drove to Applebee's and happened to drive past the Long John Silver's that Brian had worked at. We started crying and had to pull over into their parking lot. Sitting there beneath the sign, I turned to Becca and said, "Thanks calling Long John Silver's, this is Brian, how may I help you?" We laughed together and then continued on our way. Becca parked her car outside Applebee's and we got out. The hostess stopped us on our way in. "Two?" she asked. "Um, no," Becca said. "We're meeting some people here." Just then, I noticed Leighanne waving at us. "I think I found them. Thank you," I told the hostess and grabbed Becca's arm and pulled her towards Leighanne. The guys were already there; we were the last ones to arrive. The guys had commandeered a booth in the back corner. They all stood up as we approached. They started to introduce themselves, but I stopped them. "You guys don't have to. I think we know whose who. But I'm Becca and this Becca, so you can't get us confused." Everyone laughed. Looking us over, Kevin said, "Are you guys Kentucky co-eds?" Becca and I looked at each other. "Uh, no," Becca said meekly. "So you went by the bookstore then." "No, Kevin," I said. "It was a birthday present...from Brian." It dawned on Kevin at that moment and he sank down into a sitting position at the edge of the circular booth. "Well, come on, sit down," Leighanne said. Becca slid in by Leighanne and Nick slid right next to her. Kevin was on the other side of Leighanne at the edge of the booth. I wound up on the end sitting by Howie. AJ pulled up a chair, turned it backwards and straddled it. Becca decided we needed to exchange email addresses, so we set to work scrawling them down on the paper napkins before us. I gave Kevin my phone number and told him to call me if he was even in town. I eyed AJ. "You know, normally, I would give you a run for your money in the style department, AJ," I told him. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, I admire your sense of style. I want it. If I had been at home this weekend, I would have been wearing glitter and stickers and a really funky outfit." He nodded. "Give me your hand." He gave me his right hand and I wrote on his palm my phone number and email address. "No don't wash your hands until you have it memorized." He looked at his palm and then back at me and grinned. The waitress came and took our orders. We started reminiscing about Brian. We talked about television appearances and concerts and so many different things. When our dinners came, things started getting a little chaotic. The guys started quizzing Becca, Leighanne and I on how much we knew about Brian. I was the one who knew his blood type. I shared my story of how I had heard back in 1993 a little note on the radio that a new band was being formed named Backstreet Boys and that they were going to be the next New Kids on the Block, and then when "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" came out, I was telling everyone that they had a right to say that. The guys got a chuckle out of that. After the plates were cleared, we sat around talking for a little while longer, and then the waitress appeared carrying a birthday cake. I grinned and looked around. Kevin and AJ stood up as the waitress set the cake down in the middle of the table. As AJ was lighting the twenty candles, Kevin said, "We know your birthday was yesterday. I feel so bad that you had to spend your birthday at a funeral. We figured we had to throw you a party." AJ had finished lighting the candles and the guys sang "Happy Birthday." When they finished, I closed my eyes, made a simple wish and took a deep breath. I blew and for the first time in my twenty years, managed to blow out all the candles in one breath. I knew Brian had helped me. As I was taking out the candles so I could cut the cake, Howie reached over and slid his finger on the edge of the cake getting a bit of frosting. I grinned and slapped his hand playfully. AJ then looked at me and opened his mouth. "Ah, ah, ah," he called like a child. I slid my finger around the edge of the cake making sure I had a big glob of frosting on my finger. I drew my finger closer to AJ's mouth and he closed his eyes. I then deliberately missed his mouth and put the frosting on his nose. Everyone cracked up. I started cutting the cake into pieces. I put a piece of cake on each of the little plates I had in front of me and started passing them around. Once everyone had a piece, I looked down and found two pieces sitting in front of me. "Whose the extra piece for?" Howie asked. My eyes blurred with tears. I had forgotten that Brian wasn't there. I had cut the cake for three girls and five guys. I looked up at everyone and said, "I couldn't leave Brian out of my birthday celebration." They all nodded and ate their cake in silence. When I flew home the next day, I was still wearing the Wildcats sweatshirt. I was wearing it when I read the letter Brian had sent me. On Tuesday, I went to my classes wearing the baseball hat. No one said anything about it. They all thought it was from my school because we were the Wildcats too. Time passed and I emailed the guys frequently. AJ asked me out and we carried on a long distance relationship for a while and I even spent all summer with him in Florida. We were still together when the new album was released and even when the Grammy nominations were announced. He was the one who called me to tell me that I had been nominated. Shortly after the nominations were announced though, I met Jacob Luttrell. The physical distance between AJ and I was taking it's toll on our relationship. We mutually agreed to see other people, but to remain friends. The night of the awards show came in February. I thought about dressing nice, but decided not to. I wore khaki slacks and a blue sweater. As much as everyone tried to persuade me not to, I wore Brian's hat to the ceremony. I had invited Becca to come with me, even though I knew that Nick was going to ask her to come. We all arrived together, Kevin with his longtime girlfriend Kristin, Howie with his girlfriend, Nick and Becca and AJ and I decided to go just as friends. Walking down the red carpet, everyone was looking at me strangely. The guys understood why I was wearing the hat and didn't say anything. I knew the next day I was going to be in the news as oddest one dressed or something, but I didn't really want to explain it to everyone. After I accepted the award on the behalf of Brian and gave the short acceptance speech that Kevin had to finish, we were led backstage to meet the press. The very first question out of the reporters' mouths was, "Why are you wearing the hat?" "The, uh, hat belonged to my co-writer Brian Littrell. I wore it tonight to remind me of why exactly I wrote the poem. And to honor his memory." "Where'd you get it?" "His mother gave it to me as birthday present." "So why did you write the poem?" a reporter asked. "I wrote the poem to thank Brian for all he had done for me." "What's going to become of the second trophy?" Kevin stepped up to the mike and said, "It's, uh, going to be given to his mother. It was his first Grammy award winning song that he wrote." "I feel honored to share this award with someone as talented as Brian. I am overjoyed that he recorded it himself before he...died and that the Backstreet Boys felt compelled to put it on their album." I took the cap off and placed over my heart. "I know Brian would be pleased." With that, Kevin and I were led out of the pressroom and back to our seats. From that day on whenever I felt alone or sad, I would put on "Miracle" and Brian's hat and be reminded of all the good times that had been brought on by my visiting Lexington for my birthday and receiving the hat that had inspired so many young people to become Kentucky Wildcat fans. I know Brian would be so pleased that the hat had brought me so much joy.