It's Okay to Cry © 2000 ~*~*~*~ So many words for the broken heart It's hard to see in a crimson love So hard to breathe Walk with me, and maybe Nights of light so soon become Wild and free I can feel the sun Your every wish will be done They tell me... ~*~*~*~ "I'm worried about her," I heard Kevin Richardson say. "She hasn't cried and it's been almost three months." "Kevin, it takes time," Howie Dorough said. "Everyone grieves in their own way." "She's probably putting on a brave face," AJ McLean said. "She does have to sing with us tonight and we're doing a lone microphone. Plus Leighanne and his son are going to be here." I decided to walk in on the men at that point, knowing that they didn't know I had been listening. "Hi girl," Nick Carter said to me. "We're just about ready to rehearse." I smiled. "Great," I said. "Let's do this." The four men and I grabbed microphones and our earpieces and headed out onto the stage. The band was warming up and then Kevin nodded to them. They started playing the song we would be performing that night. I sang my part, not thinking about anything. A couple of sound guys gave us an okay sign, saying the sound was good, but that they needed to check a few things. That's where Kevin decided to stop for a break. "We want you to set the mike height," Kevin said turning towards me, once the band stopped playing. "Huh?" I said, not understanding what he meant. Howie stepped forward carrying a microphone stand. "We're going to honor him, " he said. Nick placed a hand on my shoulder. "There's gonna be a long instrumental so we can pay our respects. You were the only one who knew his mike height without him being around." "Well it's easy when you are the height that he sings at," I joked. "So what do I do after I set the height?" I asked. "Whatever you think he'd like," Kevin said. "And then you're gonna come around to one side of the audience and we're going to finish the song out there." "Are we still doing the move?" I asked, meaning the one move we did in unison. Right before the instrumental, we all were to reach with our right hands to the sky and then bring our hand in over our heart. "Yeah," Nick choked out. I nodded, and we continued with the soundcheck. ~*~*~*~ Show me the meaning of being lonely Is this the feeling I need to walk with Tell me why I can't be there where you are There's something missing in my heart ~*~*~*~ As we were leaving the auditorium, I heard Howie comment to AJ, "She was so stoic." "I know," he replied. "If Rok were here, he'd be worried about her." "Well, at least she can still crack jokes," Nick added. "Hopefully she'll be alright tonight at the benefit." "Yeah," I heard AJ say absentmindedly. I shook my head and walked out of the building. Brian Littrell's death had been a shock to everyone. He'd been married for three years and had just become a father for the first time. The Backstreet Boys were taking some much-needed time off so Brian had been spending a lot of time with his wife and son. His wife Leighanne went in one morning to wake her sleeping husband, only to find him not breathing. She immediately called 911, but by the time he was rushed to the hospital, it was too late. It was now three months after that tragic day in November. It was what would have been his twenty-ninth birthday. His family along with his foundation had decided to put on a benefit concert, not only to help raise money, but to help bring closure to a very open and hurtful wound. The Backstreet Boys had agreed to perform, as long as I sang with them. I was Brian's best friend all through school. We'd grown up together playing basketball and singing in choir. When he went off and joined the Backstreet Boys, becoming an international superstar, I attempted to let him go, telling him that I would only hold him back. He insisted that things weren't going to be like that. I'd already survived him dating and we were still friends, so him being a performer wasn't going to change anything between us. It hadn't. We'd survived everything, his heart surgery, his recovery, his engagement, his wedding, and even the birth of his son. Through it all, we had remained friends. I knew nothing was going to change that, not even death. Kevin had been right though. I hadn't cried. Everyone around me had. Brian's parents, his wife, his friends all had cried, if not at the funeral then shortly thereafter. I just didn't feel like crying. I knew Brian was with me, I could feel it. It didn't bother me. ~*~*~*~ Life goes on as it never ends Eyes of stone observe the trends They never say forever gaze Guilty roads to an endless love There's no control Are you with me now Your every wish will be done They tell me Show me the meaning of being lonely Is this the feeling I need to walk with Tell me why I can't be there where you are There's something missing in my heart ~*~*~*~ Later that night, I was dressed in black pants, a navy blue turtleneck and a black vest. My auburn hair was pulled back in a French braid. On my vest, I wore a blue ribbon. Everyone had taken to wearing them lately. No one was really sure how it started, but when someone was asked about it, they said they were wearing the blue ribbon for Brian. The gesture stuck and now most everyone I knew was wearing one. I paced backstage, rubbing my hands together nervously. I'd performed in front of crowds before, but never something like this. The idea the guys had for the lone microphone spooked me. I knew what they were thinking, but I wasn't sure how the crowd would react to it. I refused to watch the rest of the show, contending that I could hear it from backstage and I really didn't want to watch as people cried. One thing I did see from an odd angle was the video that had been put together. It was really beautiful showing all kinds of footage of Brian. It made me smile. He'd always been such a ham in front of a camera. That was one thing I knew not to do around him: bring a camera. He was always goofing off or making funny faces or something. I listened to people talk about him and share their memories. Still none of it touched me. Elton John sang "Friends Never Say Goodbye," and more people spoke. I knew that Kevin, Howie, Nick, AJ and I would be the last people to perform that night. I waited, continuing to pace. Finally, five minutes before we went on, I kneeled down and I prayed. I prayed for strength and for peace. I opened my eyes as Kevin stepped on stage to speak. ~*~*~*~ There's nowhere to run I have no place to go Surrender my heart, body and soul How can it be you're asking me to feel things you never show You are missing in my heart Tell me why can't I be there where you are ~*~*~*~ Kevin spoke for a bit. I don't remember what he said, but I knew he about had everyone in tears. I heard the opening strains of the song and I stepped out on stage. The song we were performing that night was "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely." I was to be singing Brian's parts. As I stepped on the stage and looked out at the crowd, I felt something come over me. In my head, I heard Brian say to me, "It's okay to cry. I'll always be there for you." He had said the same thing to me so many times over the years. When my grandmother died. When my parents divorced. When I broke up with my first boyfriend. When he left for Orlando. When we graduated high school. When I told him I loved him. When he had his heart surgery. When he called me to tell me he was engaged. Right before he got married, he told me it yet again. I walked out on stage and caught Leighanne's eye. She was holding their son, Devon her lap. He reminded me so much of Brian when he was younger. A tear trickled down my cheek. I looked up and sang the opening four lines of the song. I felt each note come from deep down within me. AJ glanced at me as I sang. I knew he was surprised. Earlier, my performance had been void of emotion. Now, everything I had been feeling was coming out. At the start of the instrumental, Howie walked out with a mike stand. He placed at the center of the stage and crossed himself. AJ walked over and stood a framed 8X10 picture in front of the stand. Nick walked up and placed a basketball beside it. Kevin placed a Kentucky Wildcats hat on top of the ball and stepped away. The four looked at me. I stepped up and adjusted the microphone stand just the way Brian had liked it. I then reached in my pocket and pulled out a cross. Brian had given it to me the last time we had seen each other a month before he'd died. I held it in my hand as I walked over and picked up a blue rose from a vase just off stage. I placed the rose on the stand and backed away, walking into the audience. I made my cue and sang with the rest of the guys until I couldn't take it anymore and broke down and cried in the middle of the chorus. I heard Brian say, "It's okay to cry." ~*~*~*~ Show me the meaning of being lonely Is this the feeling I need to walk with Tell me why I can't be there where you are There's something missing in my heart ~*~*~*~