You're the Reason Why I Found My Way © 2001 Bereccaemarie I've been dealing with this for six months now. The first time I met singer Krystal Harris in March of 2001 I thought what I was feeling was just pure admiration. I had just seen her perform on stage and I was star struck. She was doing something I had always dreamed of: opening for the Backstreet Boys. I knew I had no talent whatsoever for music so my dream would always be a dream. But Krystal however had tons of talent. When I reached the front of the line, I realized I was scared. I put my email address down on the mailing list and gingerly stepped forward. She asked me my name and I told her as I squatted down in front of the table so I could look her in the eye. I started telling her, without looking at her, what had transpired when I tried to see her a Club Sound Wave in Sacramento. (Club Sound Wave is an eighteen and under dance club. I didn't know this until I got there and the security guard told me.) She then did something I wasn't expecting--she apologized! It wasn't her fault, but it made me realize how sweet and caring she was. I didn't realize until after I walked away that I hadn't told her how to spell my name. Knowing that almost everyone under the sun has problems with it, I glanced down at the glossy 8x10 photo in my hands. She had spelled my name right! Almost four months later, her debut album "Me & My Piano" came out. The day it came out was probably one of the best and worst days of my life. On July 9th my father had called me to say that the Backstreet Boys had postponed their concerts because Nick broke his hand. I didn't think they'd do that, so I went to the official Backstreet Boys Web site. That's when I found out AJ had gone into rehab for alcohol abuse. The next morning, the day Krystal's album came out, a friend of mine, who happens to be a DJ on a local station, called me to talk about the postponed shows. Later that day I bought Krystal's album. Over the course of the month, I listened to it pretty much non-stop. In the time I was listening to it, something strange happened. I developed the classic schoolgirl crush on her. This was entirely new to me. My most recent crush had been on Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. I am female and had never questioned my own sexuality before. I had always known that I would grow up and get married--to a man. But now this crush happened. It was more than just star-struck admiration--I wanted her. I wanted to hug her, kiss her, all those things you would do with a significant other. Yet I never thought I was a lesbian, maybe bi- sexual. I became obsessed with her. I started making a scrapbook of pictures and articles I found about her. I'm still not sure if I'll ever give it to her or just keep it for myself. As the weeks progressed, I started writing Krystal slash fanfic. I had been reading a lot of Backstreet Boys slash, but I had never read any female slash. At first my fics were subtle-slash--no real sex or fondling, just URL--unrequited love. Then one day it happened: I wrote my first female sex scene. It actually wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I just wrote what I liked done to me. When I realized that maybe my story list wasn't the best place to be posting my new fanfics, I started a new list specifically for Krystal slash. I kept thinking that this was a phase (like my Brian death fic phase--which helped me cope with his marriage). I was thinking that it was just a way for me to deal with AJ going into rehab. That wasn't the case. AJ came out of rehab in August yet the Krystal slash continued. My fanfics had become sexually explicit usually involving her confronting me and initialized the sex. I started on a longer fanfic that entailed a lot. Not just plot and idea wise, but also writing a bunch of sex scenes. At times I took a break from it, writing other sexually explicit fanfic. All the while, my new Krystal slash list was growing, comprised mainly of other females, many of which openly admitted that they were bi-sexual. I turned to them for advice. When did they know? What should I do to find out? The answer was a resounding: date someone! Unfortunately that's easier said than done. In the middle of August, I began contemplating cutting my long hair off. My aunt talked me out of it and just trimmed my hair. But then, in September, an idea came to me. What if I "Became" Krystal on the MTV show "Becoming"? On this show they take fans and dress them up like their favorite stars and have them reenact the video. I got really excited over the idea and began planning my video. Then I found out the Backstreet Boys were going to be performing in Reno, Nevada. Tickets hadn't gone on sale yet and my best friend was a member of the fan club. So in September when the fan club pre-sale happened, I made myself a promise. If I got floor seats, I would cut off my hair. Well, I got floor seats, so I went in and had the stylist Krystal-ize my hair. I literally took a picture (several pictures actually) of Krystal and told her I wanted that! I came out with yellow spiked hair and when I put on my black vinyl jacket, my best friend Jen said I looked "punk." I'm so glad I got pictures of it! There were moments when Jen actually thought I looked like Krystal. I began to think that the crush was wearing off, then I went to Reno. We got there just as she was starting her set. I screamed so much for her. Anytime she hit a high note, I was screaming. When she announced where she was going to be signing autographs, I practically ran to go get in line. While I was finding the line, my favorite Backstreet Boy, Brian took the stage to talk about her, but I didn't care. The one thing I did care about was the crowd that developed. The security wasn't expecting it so I wound up near tears and shaking uncontrollably. While I was waiting to see her and get her autograph, I kept staring at her, trying to calm myself down. The security guard kept trying to tell me to get back, not even caring that I was about ready to faint. I had all these questions for her that I knew I wouldn't get to ask, but when I got up to her, my mind went blank. I held out my silk flowers for her that everyone kept asking why they were silk. All I could say was "These are for you." She immediately noticed they were silk and immediately knew why they were silk. "Oh, they're silk so they won't die!" she said to me. "Exactly!" was the first thing I could think of to say. I then gushed about how wonderful she was as I watched her sign her name. She thanked me, smiled at me and I took my 12x12 autograph and headed off. After that, the Backstreet Boys became second hand. I'd seen them once before and really I was only interested in hearing the new song. Other than that, I would have left after I met Krystal. I left that night wanting to shout at the top of my lungs from the roof of the parking structure, "I am Supergirl!" I felt so full of love at that moment and I gushed all the way home! I couldn't stop talking about Krystal. Over the next few weeks, I thought the crush had subsided. I was working so much that I didn't have time to think about it. Then I was checking her Web site for new things and saw that they were selling the 2002 Krystal calendar online. So I ordered it, knowing that I would get paid before it was to be delivered. Over the weekend, my stress level dropped dramatically. I finished things I had been working on. I felt ill because of the stress and even wound up sleeping an entire day away. I took some time off work and rented "But I'm a Cheerleader" and had an epiphany. It all became so clear. A friend of mine and I emailed each other back and forth and over the course of the weekend I found myself missing her and waiting impatiently for her to get back from New York City so I could receive her next email. I'm trying to convince her to come up and see me sometime. Also an ex-lover of mine called me. I realized that I didn't want him in the way that I had wanted him before then. Monday, my calendar came. Flipping through I realized how sexy Krystal really was. It hit me sometime over the weekend. I didn't know it until much later. I began to ponder it and wonder if what I was feeling was really true. Part of me is still confused, but it's only a small part. More of like a piece of me just wants the physical proof to finally seal the deal. I still don't know if I can accept this myself. It's very hard to grasp after realizing I've been living a lie for the past twenty-one years. Well, not a full lie, just a partial lie. I was denying a part of myself. A part of myself that I have known existed for a long time. I was just too influenced by societal norms to admit it. Krystal helped me see that the only person who mattered was me. I had to be myself. And if being myself didn't fit with societal norms than who cares? Hi. My name is Becca and I'm bi-sexual. But I prefer the term "sexual." Simply stated: I like sex, from anyone. I like guys, but I also like girls, preferably larger women. I thank Krystal for opening my eyes and making me realize my true self. She truly is the reason why I found my way in life.