Prologue

Meanwhile, a cassette tape was passed from person to person around the club--traveling from floor to table, from table to bar, from bar to trash...

Then the trash was quickly disposed of... and the little pink tape disappeared forever--never to be seen (or heard) again... No secrets exposed, no repercussions to deal with, no more idiotic interruptions, nothing... absolutely nothing standing in the way of the man in the Cabana anymore...

What would it be like to love someone as troubled, as dangerous, as exciting as Todd? What would he do under pressure? Would he follow through? Would he be gentle? Would he turn violent? Would he crack up completely? Would you survive the night?

Would you really care whether you survived or not...?

Seduction

It was intoxicating to think that she wanted, needed him that deeply--intoxicating and frightening to know that he could elicit those kinds of reactions from her. He paused to soak in the heady feeling... Don’t screw this up, Todd, okay? A young, taunting voice intruded from somewhere in his head, Don’t screw it up for us this time... let’s have some fun...

His thoughts responded automatically to the voice. He had no intention of screwing up. He had already made the commitment in his mind. This time he would carry through. He had to... he had to give Téa what she needed before it was too late and he lost her forever. He was willing to try, willing to face his fears and brave the risks to make this work...

He knew that there were real dangers involved. Even now, there were warning bells and sirens going off everywhere in his consciousness--shrieking at him to stop, to back off, leave her alone... keep her safe... But he dismissed them, forcing the sounds and feelings temporarily to the back of his mind. He wouldn’t allow anything to ruin this moment...

Téa felt like she was going to come out of her skin with anticipation. Her body hummed with suppressed passion, excitement. She found it difficult to breathe. Was this finally happening? She felt his warm lips against her neck, luxuriated in his nearness, his willingness to touch... Oh, God, I’ve waited so long for him to do this. I thought it was hopeless, thought he would never... Please, please don’t stop, Todd--don’t stop! Her mind jumped ahead. Was he really going to do this... hold her, caress her, actually make love to her.... After all these months of dreaming, suffering, praying... Was this real? She felt light-headed and helpless, terrified that something would happen to ruin it...

Todd reached around and gently removed the earring from Téa’s right ear, sliding his fingertips down the side of her neck. Then, after removing the left one, he softly touched his lips to that sensitive spot just below her left earlobe... I could spend hours doing this, he thought privately... She’s so ready, so responsive--just watching her react and thinking about what will happen later is tearing me up... Nothing was going to stop him now. He was so tired of running away, so tired of trying not to feel. He wanted this as much as she did, maybe even more. But, despite his rising desire and excitement, he couldn’t completely suppress that one horrible, recurrent thought... could he really handle this?

Even now, as he caressed Téa--soaking in her beauty, allowing himself to finally enjoy the delights of her body--he still felt enormous confusion mixed with a tingle of fear... It’s not like I haven’t had sex before, he reasoned. I’ve avoided it because I don’t want to feel... feeling causes me to lose control and that can be dangerous... but I can’t keep holding out on her... He ran his fingertips across the back of her neck and shoulders, fascinated by her shuddering reaction... She’s letting me do this my way, she’s not pushing... I want you too, Téa... just as much as you want me... I’m shaking inside, just like you...

Forcing himself to be steady, he unhooked the top of her dress, then paused, suddenly unsure... But things are so different now--everything’s upside down... Ever since I started this DID crap, I haven’t been sure what the hell was going on... I feel so weird all the time, things are so mixed up... it’s like the damn alters are doing me--they just appear in my head out of nowhere... He closed his eyes in momentary pain... and that feeling keeps coming back, the old feeling--like with Marty, Nora... I thought it was gone but it’s come back twice with Téa... what if it comes tonight and I can’t stop it... He rubbed his hand across his eyes... If I could just get all this noise in my head to stop.... just stop for a little while so I could think....

Just for a moment he turned his attention to the source of his fear. He felt the need to check on his defenses--secure the scary places in his head and make sure he had everything under control. Carefully he opened up and tuned into all those jumbled thoughts and feelings, the eerie whisperings swirling and prickling around the edges of his mind... those disjointed, disembodied voices.... that impenetrable darkness deep, deep inside...

Earlier, Téa had felt compelled to do something to ease their shared nervousness--felt that Todd needed her help somehow. She had wanted to take control as she always did when she was anxious. But now she realized she had to trust him, had to let him work this out his own way. She tried to focus on the moment, concentrating her energies on remaining calm. He’s definitely in command of the situation, now. He doesn’t need any help from me...

Her lower lip trembled involuntarily at the thought. She wanted to be seduced, taken by Todd--wanted to lose herself in his masculinity, his power.... She had to admit to herself that his unpredictability and the fact that he was more than a little dangerous titillated her, always had--although she would never admit that to anyone. She wanted him to be aggressive now, the one in control. He’s more than in control--he’s magnificent... she breathed silently to herself. Instinctively, unconsciously her body leaned back into the warm thrill of his touch, inviting him to continue....

Todd’s awareness slipped quickly through the lurid, nightmarish landscape in his head, checking for possible weaknesses in the facade he maintained to survive. Just as he was poised to make a clean exit, seeing no imminent signs of danger--he suddenly froze... He felt himself instantly gripped in a suffocating strangle hold. Something cold and shadowy shifted restlessly in his psyche. Wildly distorted images flashed instantly through his mind... The leering visage of his father, the terror filled eyes of the women from his past... Téa crashing to the floor of the toolshed... A familiar pressure arose in his chest, suffusing him with long suppressed anguish and pain. Then it came, as it had so many times since his childhood... the silent scream, the overpowering violent command--speeding, roaring out from somewhere in the subterranean depths of his soul...

Instantly he was seized with the savage desire to consume Téa in a raging lust. The sudden white-hot urge flooded his senses. From behind, his hands glided covetously around her body. He pulled her closer, breathing in her perfume, laying his scarred cheek against her shoulder. His eyes rolled back in his head as his consciousness wrestled desperately with the fierce needs of his body--the unnatural, sickening desire for her that was ricocheting through his nervous system. His mind reeled, staggering, as the shock waves from the thwarted impulse spread, rippling throughout his body...

After a few deranged seconds that seemed to last a lifetime, he managed somehow to disengage, to regain control..... but, only barely.... Raising his head, he gazed through a fog of black pain, at the back of her beautiful neck. In residual shock, he rested his forehead against her, closing his eyes, silently willing the blackness away. No... no, not now... it’s not gonna happen! I don’t want you here... don’t want you near her...

Feeling his arms snake around her, Téa relaxed into his embrace. She was enjoying his attentions more than she could even express to herself. I’ve never experienced anything even close to this, she mused. All he has to do is touch the back of my neck and I’m pre-orgasmic. Todd, do you have any idea what you do to me...? She struggled to keep her composure... I’d be willing to pay back the five million dollars plus interest for this... in a heartbeat...

odd slowly returned to the moment at hand. He could still sense the darkness, knew somehow that it was not far away, that it was biding it’s time... waiting.... Eyes still closed, he kissed her shoulder lightly again, heard her breathing falter. He didn’t want to hurt her, frighten her. Didn’t want her to see the ugliness... the monster inside his mind. She wanted romance, tenderness, a fairytale--something the beast temporarily at bay inside of him didn’t, and never would comprehend.... It only understood the pain of betrayal, the need for revenge...

He had thought the old rage gone--bottled up in the past with Marty and Nora. But then it had manifested in the penthouse that cold winter night and again later in the toolshed. It had become increasingly strong since he invented the alters... and it seemed to be focused on Téa... He didn’t understand why it was suddenly active again, couldn’t see the threat that it was responding to, but that dark part of him must be kept away from her.... The question was--could he manage it....? Could he maintain control... ?

He opened his eyes and forcefully jerked his attention away from his fears. No matter the risks, he was not going to run--he was strong enough to handle this. He had to be strong enough--for her... He focused himself, and tried to think about what should come next. How could he please this beautiful woman seated here in front of him? What could he possibly offer her?

They had fought violently so many times. He had hurt her mentally and physically--even though he hadn’t meant to. Now he knew that he had to be so very, very careful with Téa. He had to repair some of the damage he had done in the past, show her that he could be gentle, show her that his hands and body were capable of giving her pleasure instead of pain. He slid his fingertips lovingly down the side of her face as he once again kissed the back of her neck gently...

 What are you gonna do now? The teasing, boyish voice suddenly intruded to bait him. Boy, she likes you a lot, Todd--when are we gonna start having some fun with her--come on, what are you waiting for? She wants to play with us... He shook his head involuntarily, seeking to rid himself of the annoying voice. He didn’t have time to indulge in that right now--no stupid thoughts, no time for childish personalities. He had to stay on top of things. There was no margin for error here. This had to go the way he had planned. He knew what he wanted to do next, but he hesitated, waiting for something he wasn’t sure of....

Then he felt it--the light touch of an alien sensation... happiness. The little boy disappeared and another took his place. A warm, sensual, humorous feeling swept over him and he suddenly felt free and confident. Resting his chin on her shoulder, he smiled to himself and gave Téa a playful squeeze, feeling comfortable with her at last. He felt clear about everything now, knew what to do, knew how to give her what she needed, how to make her happy...

To be continued...