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Ghosts of our Former Selves by: Kelli
Ghosts of our Former Selves by: Kelli
Disclaimer: I don't own Dawson's Creek or the characters, and anything that seems like it was taken right from the show was! I also don't own the song Josephine. That belongs to the musical genius (at least I think she is!) Tori Amos.
Author's Note: First and foremost, I need to say a very big thank you for all of you who have read and responded to this. Your support means a lot! I'm still nervous about this because of how different this is for me, so your feedback gives me confidence! Thank you!
With that being said, I'm sorry for giving you all heart attacks where Pacey is concerned. Um, I don't know if it will get much better just yet. Please, just stick with me on this. I promise it will get better! I have to say that this fic that started off so little has really grown in my mind. I'm going to start something here that I've always wanted to do a story about. I blame it somewhat on me being in the medical profession and hearing a lot of stories that can't be explained. And also, just from me wondering what if. Ok, so I'm babbling and you all probably have no idea what I'm talking about!
Anyway, I'm nervous about this chapter because again, I'm delving into the unknown for me. It may just suck! Either way let me know. You might get an idea after reading this of where I'm going, but maybe not. Let's just say I still plan on filling in the year before the finale, but I'm putting a twist on how we're going to relive it. Also, there are a lot of flashbacks here. Sorry to be unoriginal, but I felt they were needed so you could feel what Pace is going through. More will be revealed about why I did it this way in the next update.
Oh, and I took a break from the Counting the Stars song in this chapter. This one fit better, but CTS will be back!
Ok, shutting up now! Thanks for reading!
Ghosts of our Former Selves
"Pacey, you have to wake up! Please! I love you and I need you…"
Pacey could hear Joey's desperate plea for him to wake up; he could hear her crying and saying she loved him, too. He just didn't know where her voice was coming from or how to get back to her…or if he even wanted to go back. He could still remember the last words she said to him…
"Really, Pacey, why does everything with you and I end in disaster?"
That simple sentence played over and over in his mind like some kind of malicious broken record that was taunting him. She thinks you're a disaster, Pace. You were never good enough for her, and you never will be. Just look at what you've gotten her into now!
Although Pacey couldn't see Joey, he knew what had happened to them. He remembered the tree branch in the middle of the road and his fight to control the wheel. He also couldn't forget hurtling towards the tree, or Joey's screams right before they plowed into that tree. He also knew that he was hurt and apparently unconscious, or else Joey wouldn't be trying to wake him up.
What he didn't know was where he was at right now, and that was what was strange about all this. It was like he was in two places at once. He obviously was still with Joey in the car crashed on the side of the road, but he wasn't completely there, if that made any sense. His badly injured and broken body was still physically in the car, but Pacey wasn't. He wasn't sure how that was possible, but he could feel that it was. His soul, he guessed that was what it was, the essence that made him Pacey, was somewhere else entirely. It was…HE was…well, again, he wasn't exactly sure where he was.
Pacey strained his eyes to try and get a better look at his surroundings, which was hard to do considering there was a dense misty fog surrounding him and impairing his vision. Wherever he was, it was dark and foggy, but Pacey could see a light up ahead trying to break through the thick white curtain that engulfed him. And what was that he heard off in the distance?
Pacey strained his ears, trying to make out what it was. It was…it was music. The lilting sounds of a piano accompanied by a hypnotizing drumbeat floated up to Pacey's ears, immediately entrancing him and enticing him to move forward through the fog. He couldn't explain it, but he needed to find out where the music was coming from. He took a few tentative steps forward, unsure of where he was going, since it was impossible to see even two feet in front of him. He had no clue where he was going; he just followed the music and headed towards the faint glow that he now couldn't take his eyes off of.
As Pacey journeyed towards the unknown melody, a voice cut through the darkness, singing softly with the music. It was a woman's voice, singing out clearly, but it was tinged with a hint of sorrow. Pacey stopped in his tracks, listening, the hauntingly beautiful tones washing over him and soothing the feelings of fear that had been floating in the pit of his stomach. Why was there something familiar about this song…
"Not tonight, Josephine, in an army's strength therein lies the denouement. But from here you're haunting me. By the Seine, oh, so beautiful. Only not to be of use. Impossible-possible…yes..."
The words were familiar to him, and yet he didn't think he had ever heard it before. There was one word in the song that rang out in his mind. A name. Her name – Josephine.
"Josephine," Pacey whispered, the name rolling easily off his tongue. God, how he loved the sound of that name! She might hate it, but to him it was the three most beautiful syllables he'd ever heard. Just the mere mention of her name still released a flock of butterflies in his stomach. He had looked up the meaning of it once…
Josephine…God will increase…
That was a pretty vague meaning. What would God increase? Pacey, being the wise man he was, knew the answer to that question because he knew the owner of the name so well. He would increase her beauty, her intelligence, and her wit. He would instill in her a stubbornness and strength of will great enough to help her through all the trials and tribulations that life would bring her, for Josephine would need them, as life would increase the suffering it bestowed upon her. And He would increase the size of her heart, making it full of love, but still fragile enough that it would break if not handled properly.
And Pacey hadn't handled Josephine's heart with care. He had loved her and gotten her love in return, thus God had smiled on Pacey, too. He had given him the much sought after and not easily won heart of Josephine Potter, making Pacey the happiest he had ever been in his otherwise pathetic and miserable life. Having Joey's love had increased his self-esteem and gave him hope that he could do great things. With her by his side, he wasn't a loser. With her love, she inspired him to be what he could only dream of before – a better man. And he wasn't the only one she had that affect on, she pretty much touched the lives of everyone who knew her. God had increased Josephine, and she increased the lives of the people around her.
Josehpine.
Just that name reminded him of what he had to go back to. Pacey's heart then was filled with all the love he had for her. How could he walk away from her, his Joey? He should go back to her. He could still hear her calling out to him…
"Pacey! Please come back to me…"
But, you had her heart, Pacey, and you broke it.
There was that voice in his head again.
You turned her life into a disaster, just like she said. She is better off without you…
"I love you, Pace. Did you hear that? I said that I love you. I always have, even when I was running from you, I loved you. Now you have to open those beautiful blue eyes of yours so I can look into them and tell you how much I love you…"
She loves me? That can't be possible. How could she still…after all this time? She has to be just saying that because I'm hurt, and even if she does think she means it, she'll only run away from me like she always does. She knows deep down, too, that I'm no good for her. She should run from me and all of the chaos that surrounds me. If I go back, I may be blessed with her love again, but soon all the pain of losing her will take over when she runs away…
So, what do I do?
As Pacey battled with his warring emotions, whether to continue forward or go back to his Josephine, the voice sang out once more…
"In the last extremity, to advance or not to advance, I hear you laughing. Even still you're calling me. Not tonight…not tonight…not tonight, Josephine…"
Something clicked inside of Pacey then. He wasn't sure how, but he knew what he had to do…
"Not tonight, Josephine," he said, his voice trancelike as he made his choice to advance. He always went back to her, and he always got his heart broken. Or worse yet, he broke her heart. Pacey just didn't have the strength to do it anymore.
His feet began moving again, guiding him towards the shining yellow that lie just a few feet ahead. With every step, Joey's voice became fainter and fainter…and then he couldn't hear her at all anymore. The music became louder and swirled around him, the hypnotizing tune edging Pacey on. Just a few more steps and he would be there…
Suddenly, Pacey was bathed in bright light, but it wasn't the kind of light he was expecting. It was coming from a streetlamp burning brightly above him. The music was gone, too, as if somebody had just turned off a stereo because they were tired of listening.
Then, Pacey heard voices, voices that were very familiar to him…
He turned to his left, where the voices seemed to be coming from. He squinted his eyes, the bright light temporarily blinding him, as he tried to make out who was talking. He stepped out of the bright light and closer to the shadowy figures that the voices belonged to.
No, it couldn't be!
Pacey's mouth fell open as the realization of where he was at and what he was watching hit him. He was standing down on the docks in Capeside, but it wasn't just any dock. It was the same one where he had docked his True Love. There was his cherished boat, in all her glory, floating proudly in the water before him. She looked as lovely as the day he christened her…
That's because she HAD just been christened! He knew that by the scene that was unfolding right before his eyes. It was one that he unfortunately knew all too well. He saw his seventeen-year-old self sitting on a railing, sadly gazing at his boat. Joey was coming slowly towards him, the same sadness he was feeling etched into her beautiful features. Then she spoke…
"You ever have one of those days you wish you could live all over again?"
"Yup. You?" Pacey answered, not able to look at her yet.
"Yeah."
"So," he sighed, finally allowing his eyes to settle on her, "what would you have done differently?"
She chewed on her lip, just like she always did, contemplating his all-important question while he waited for her answer to break his heart. "I don't know. Everything."
Pacey's heart sank at her answer, and he looked down, lacking the ability to watch while she told him why she couldn't be with him.
She continued. "Nothing at all. We'd still end up right back here, and I don't think I know where here is."
"Here is right where we started," he said sadly, his mind drifting to the 'Embarrassing Grope Fest' they had happily engaged in earlier that day, in the shed that stood a few feet from them. He would he give anything to go back to that moment and just stay there with her forever.
There was a brief silence between them before Joey spoke again.
She gestured to the True Love. "Well, she looks beautiful in the water."
"This morning was just a formality. We still don't know if she's seaworthy."
"She looks pretty solid."
Pacey took a deep breath, trying to beat down the overwhelming grief that was welling up inside of him. "I don't know. She hasn't seen any stormy weather yet."
He wasn't talking about the boat anymore, and she knew it.
"Pacey…"
He cut her off, not wanting to prolong the inevitable. "It's over, isn't it?"
"It has to be," she said, her voice cracking with emotion as her tears began to fall.
Pacey desperately wanted to reach out and wipe away those tears, but he couldn't. His own heart was breaking and he had nothing left to mend hers with.
"You should be the one to go first this time."
And that was it. She gave him one last look, nodded, and walked away from him…
Pacey watched for the second time as Joey walked away from him, his chest aching and his heart crumbling again. He saw the tear that went down his cheek and he felt the pain that he went through then. It was so great that he wondered how he could have survived it at seventeen.
'I can't watch anymore.'
Pacey turned quickly away from the docks and stumbled a few steps, trying to figure out just where he was going and why he had to watch that again.
He had only gone a little ways when he came upon another not so bright moment in his relationship with Joey. He was at Dawson's house. There was a wedding…
Pacey leaned in the doorway watching Joey, praying she would come and give him a reason to stay. Then, she turned to him. She smiled sadly and walked up to him while he held his breath and prayed.
Her words deflated his hope. "I can't do it, Pacey. I can't give you a reason to stay. I have so much junk to work through I don't even know where to begin to process it all. I mean, how I feel about you and how I feel about Dawson…"
"So, you made your choice. Right there, you made your choice."
"I guess I have."
"Yeah. That wasn't so hard, was it? You should have made it months ago. Save us all a lot of time and energy…and heartache," he said, trying to remain strong.
Dawson appeared behind them then. "I see every member of the triangle is present and accounted for."
There was an awkward silence.
"Can I have this camera?" she asked Dawson, obviously trying to break the tension and make a quick get away. "I'm gonna take some pictures."
Dawson handed her the camera and she started to walk away. Pacey couldn't let her, not just yet.
"Jo?"
"Yup?"
"I don't even get a goodbye?"
"Goodbye, Pacey."
And then she was gone…again…
Pacey was not handling this little reenactment well, either. There she went again, running away from him, like always. You'd think it would be easier the second time around, but it wasn't. His eyes filled with tears as he backed away from Dawson's parents' wedding, hoping that he could get out of the nightmare memory lane he was walking down.
But it only got worse…
A boat. He was on a boat. But, it wasn't the True Love. The cruise he was on now was anything but one of pleasure. He could hear music and laughter. He looked up and saw a brightly colored banner strung above him:
CAPESIDE HIGH SR. PROM 2001
He spotted Joey then, her beauty hard to miss, dancing with Dawson. Pacey knew what was coming next. He shut his eyes tightly, hoping to block it out, but it was no use…
"What's going on?"
"Pacey, we were just dancing," Joey said defensively.
"Yeah, that's what it looked like to me, just dancing," he spat out, his voice dripping with bitterness and sarcasm.
Joey rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on! This isn't about Dawson, and you know it! Pacey, why don't you just tell me what is going on?"
"You know what I actually realized when I saw the two of you together? That is the happiest I have seen you all night! I mean, I think it's actually the happiest I've seen you in weeks. You want to know what's worse that that? I don't care! I saw the two of you dancing together, and I just don't care! I'm not jealous. I'm not upset. I'm not much of anything!"
"Pacey, fine. Let's just take this outside."
"Why? Why, because you want to clean up my mess again? No. You wanted me to take off the happy mask, and the happy mask is off! So, answer me this one question because this is what I've been wanting to ask you, Jo. Why are you with me?"
"Pacey…"
"Why are you with me? Because I don't know why I'm still with you! I mean, I used to know, but I don't anymore."
"I'll make a note of that," Joey replied with obvious hurt in her eyes.
Pacey didn't seem to notice that hurt. "What I do know, Jo, I feel like I'm Josephine Potter's little charity project. I feel like I'm the designated loser, the fail-…"
Dawson, who was quietly watching all this, couldn't take anymore. He stepped towards Pacey, hoping he could get him to calm down.
But Pacey was not going to listen. An anger that he didn't know was inside of him was raging forth and couldn't be stopped. "Just back off!" he yelled at Dawson.
"Pacey," Joey tried, "I never said that, but this isn't about me. This is about you."
That was it. All the anger that had been building over the past few weeks came boiling to the surface. "No, it is about you! It's about you and how you make me feel when I'm with you, okay!? I feel like I'm stupid, and I'm worthless, and I'm never right! But you know what I realize? That it's not my fault! Because I'm with you, it's poor Pacey. He didn't get into college, and it's stupid Pacey forgot the limo, and ripped the dress, and messed up the corsage!"
"I told you I didn't care about any of that!"
"But I want you to care! I want you to care! I don't want you to just accept it like that's the way it's supposed to be!" Pacey was seething now and he couldn't stop himself. His insecurities were screaming in his head and wouldn't go away. He took all his feelings of self-doubt out on the one person who loved him most. "We are not trapped on this boat! You and I are trapped in this relationship! I can't take it anymore, Joey! When I'm with you, I feel like I'm nothing! I feel like I'm nothing!! That's why I flinch when you come to touch me. It's why I never touch you. Why I never even think about it! Because when I start to, it just reminds me that I'm not good enough!"
"You done?" she asked, her lip quivering as she tried to hold her head up high while her world crashed in around her.
But Pacey wouldn't stop. "Done? Oh, no, I'm not done. I am just getting started!"
"Well, you can stop right now. You can go to hell!" Joey turned on her heel and ran away from him…
And that's exactly what Pacey wanted to do as he witnessed this horrible scene. Yes, he had been there the first time around, but somehow it was different when you were on the outside looking in. He couldn't believe all of the terrible things he had said to her! He saw the look on her face. She looked completely dejected and heart broken. And he did that; he was the one that had done that to his beautiful Josephine. Pacey was sick, sick of himself and how badly he hurt her. He felt like he was going to throw up.
"Why!? Why are you doing this to me!?" he screamed, looking heavenward, not even sure who he was addressing his question to.
When he got no answer, he did the only thing he could think of; He ran, too, as fast as he could, away from the worst moment of his life, the moment he killed the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life.
But, where was he running?
He could hear his feet smacking down onto pavement. He seemed to be running down a road, but where it led he didn't know. He kept running until he came upon steps leading up to double glass doors. He couldn't tell what the building was that they led to, but it did look familiar. He didn't know if that was a good sign or not. He didn't see any ghosts that he knew, so, he thought he might be safe. He was just about to sit down on the steps and catch his breath when the apparitions appeared again.
'No, not this one,' he begged, backing away. 'Please, not this one!'
"I did think tonight was quite nice. Quite nice."
"Yes, quite perfect. It was…it's been a perfect night."
Joey looked up at Pacey and he took that as a cue to kiss her. He leaned down slowly, his lips almost about to connect with hers, when she stopped him.
"Pace, I can't do this."
"You can't do what?"
She chewed on her lip and began wringing her hands, both of which Pacey knew were not good signs. "Even when everything is perfect, being with you doesn't feel right, and I'm sorry. Look, everything tonight…I mean, tonight was lovely and fun and…you've become this…I mean, this amazing man, but it doesn't…I'm sorry. I don't…I don't feel it. I can't do this with you."
Pacey felt his heart drop straight to his feet as Joey rambled on about how she didn't 'feel it', but Pacey was not going to let her get away without a fight. "Okay, Joey, slow down for a second."
"No, Pace, it's…it's true and…I'm sorry."
Pacey knew what this was about. He saw the look on her face. She clearly had the look of a deer trapped in the headlights. "So, what, you're scared, right? You're scared, and so am I, believe me. And I'm scared because I don't where this thing is going, Jo. As in it could go anywhere. This could be it."
"It won't be."
"How could you possibly know that? I mean, really, last week you're onboard, and now you're just physically telling me that this could never be something great. You can't possibly know that, because we don't know that, Joey."
"And I'm sorry," she apologized again, avoiding his gaze. "I know that this is such a horrible thing to say."
Pacey was beside himself. He couldn't understand why she was doing this. "But how? How could you know? And when did you make this decision, tonight? I mean, I thought tonight was going great."
"It was. It was great."
"So, then when? And don't tell me that you're not scared, because I know that you are. I mean, I've known you too long and seen you push away too many good things to let you push me away right now." Pacey was on a roll, all of the old feelings of love he had for Joey resurfacing in that moment. He had to get through to her! He had to make her see just how much she meant to him, and how much he still loved her. "My whole life, Joey, my whole life, you have been the most beautiful thing in my orbit, and my feelings for you were what proved to me that I could be great. And those feelings were stronger and were wiser and more persistent and more resilient than anything else about me!"
"Pacey, stop!"
"Jo…" he tried again, determined to fight her until she got it through her thick skull that she was the one for him.
"Pacey!"
He went on like he didn't even hear her. He wanted to let her know that he was afraid, too, but that was okay. Their love would take that fear away. "When I was afraid of everything, I was never afraid to love you, and I could love you again. I could. I'm telling you, this could…"
"Pacey, no. Pacey, stop!"
And then she said the three words that broke his heart into a million pieces…again.
"Eddie came back. I'm sorry. He came back last night. He came to the bar…"
Pacey went numb. He couldn't feel anything, didn't want to feel anything. He had lost her again, probably for the last time. "Oh, okay," was all he could manage to choke out.
She tried to apologize again, "Look, I'm sorry…"
But Pacey didn't want to hear anymore. He brushed past her and pushed through the glass doors, leaving Joey alone…
Pacey watched as the ghost of Joey vanished into thin air, leaving him to stand there and stare at the empty steps. It was then that he realized he was crying. He slunk down onto the cement steps and put his face in his hands.
He had just had a front row seat for some of the most terrible events in his relationship with Joey. There they all were, strung together in one big montage for him to relive. And he didn't understand why. Why did he have to see all that again? Why was he trapped here? Was he in Hell? Because he felt like he was. Maybe he was dead and this was his purgatory. He was going to be forced to have to live out 'Joey and Pacey's Worst Hits' every day for eternity.
'Yes, this has to be Hell,' he thought as he hunched over further; the tears still flowing freely down his face. He had never felt more alone in his life and all he wanted was Joey, or at least happy memories of her…
"She really has an annoying habit of running away doesn't she?" a soft, familiar voice asked, placing a hand gently on his shoulder.
"What?" Pacey asked, looking up startled and backing away slightly. He thought he was alone in this nightmare.
She smiled at him and said soothingly, "Don't be scared, Pacey."
"I'm not," he said, jumping up and trying to regain his composure. "You just startled me, that's all. I thought that…"
Pacey stopped speaking as his eyes focused on the woman in front of him. She was a tall, middle-aged woman, with long wavy brown hair that flowed over her shoulders and down her back. She wore a simple white blouse and a pair of jeans, but she still looked very attractive, elegant even. It was just the way she carried herself. Pacey stared at her face, which actually seemed to be glowing. As he studied her, she stood there with her hands on her hips, as if waiting for him to figure out who she was, but he couldn't. Although, he felt like he should know her…
"Don't you know who I am, Pacey?" she asked, an amused look coming over her. It was then that she did it; she smiled at Pacey, turning up only one corner of her mouth into a half smile.
And then it hit him. He had seen that smile many times before on a certain Potter woman that he loved. His eyes flew quickly up to hers, and it was like looking into Joey's big brown eyes, but these eyes didn't belong to Joey.
Pacey felt his knees go weak and all the little hairs on the back of his neck stood up as he choked out her name, "Mrs….Mrs. Potter? Is that you?"
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