Was that my life? by: Rachael

Summary: Everything on the show is pretty much as is, except the last couple of episodes in the sixth season, including the finale. Pacey and Joey never rekindled......the last we knew, she was with Eddie.

”Was that my life?”
Chapter 1

Joey’s POV

Sitting in my office, with my pantyhose clad feet propped up on my desk, I am wondering how my life turned out this way. Where I took a wrong turn? Let’s look back ten years.

Ten years ago, I was a senior in high school. I was with the love of my life. I was genuinely happy, even though I may not have shown it to those around me. Especially those who loved me most. On the outside, I probably seemed miserable, but I wasn’t. On the inside, I was filled with love and exhilaration. For some reason, I hid it. I ran from it. I am still running.

But today...... Today, I decided, I am not going to run anymore. I don’t exactly know what the next step will be either, but I am making some progress. I laugh at myself. Yeah, some progress. Ten years later, you have no idea where he is, what he is doing, if he has a wife. Wait, I have a husband. I certainly do. I sigh out loud. My husband. He is probably in his big art gallery office playing doctor with his secretary. I laugh again. I am back to wondering how I got here. From being eighteen years old, graduating, going off to college, and having the most wonderful man on the planet by my side (whom might I add, that I never would have changed, even though he thought I would have).

Now, what? I have a mediocre life. I have a house with a white picket fence and a dog. I have a well-paying assistant editing job. I have a mid-size black Ford Explorer. I have no children. Why? Just because I have all of the above, does not mean my life is perfect, by any means. My husband. I used to think he was perfect. We met in college. He was a charmer and bad-boy, you know. It was great. I probably even forgot about the love of my life and mistook myself to be in love with my own boyfriend for a while (not a long while). He wooed me. He chased after me when I played hard to get. He fought with me. He ran from me. It was all passion ignited. Then three years ago, we got married. It was my dream wedding, but it was all a show-off. About six months after the fact, recently following when we bought the white picket fence and all that, I got my first taste of what being married to my husband is all about.

The cool tile feels good under my bare feet. I think this and smile to myself, as I am standing over the stove stirring a pot. My bare feet. I am still practically a newlywed, with a brand new house and I all I can think about is my bare feet. This doesn’t disturb me, since I am satisfied with my life. Satisfied, not overjoyed or anything like that. I feel a coat of fur brush up against my leg. It is Buckly, my dog. My other favorite person, besides the love of my life. Buckly begins barking and I hear a door slam. Not long after that, I hear the screen door to our house open and close. I turn back to the stove.

A few minutes pass and there are arms around my waist and a head is in the crook of my neck. I move to the other side of the kitchen, acting busy.

“What’s with you?” His voice is husky and low.

“Nothing. Just finishing dinner.” I turn and smile falsely at him.

He moves close to me again, this time wrapping his arms with a little more force. “I am your husband, I don’t even get a kiss hello?”

I peck him promptly on the mouth, then move away again. Abruptly, I feel a strong hand close around my arm and drag me to a chair by the kitchen table. “Don’t move.”

I am terrified as I know he has never acted this way before.

He moves around to the back of me and places his hands on my shoulders, massaging roughly, but not causing me agonizing pain or anything.

“Listen closely, Jo.” I do not move, but he knows I am listening. “You are my wife. You will love me. You will do as I say.”

I am touching my face under my eye as I flash back to the present, remembering the first time I had a welt on my face. That night, after he was finished with his little speech, I tried to deny him, even though he warned me. Countless times after that, he had done the same, but with worse damage. I can’t recall how many times I have been to the emergency room with some sort of fracture or broken rib and it of course, always came with a story. My wife fell down the stairs or my wife tripped over the dog, and so on. He was always there with me, too. Making sure I didn’t spill his dark secret. This is one of the main reasons I do not have children. Though he has tried, I have secretly prevented it. That is about the only secret I have, taking the pill everyday. Yes, he even knows about my longing for my true love. He says I am his true love and tries to force me to forget. He knows he can’t.

Maybe that is one of the things that angers him so much. Or maybe it is just the fact that he gets pleasure out of ruling me. Watching my every move. He does. I know it sounds a little overly exaggerated, but it’s true. I found this out one day when I had had lunch with Dawson. Dawson, being Dawson, noticed a man following us. I asked my husband about it and having the overconfident attitude that he does, he openly admitted it. So even if I were to try to cheat, which I have no interest in doing, I couldn’t. He monitors my bank account, my car, all my day to day activities, to make sure I am doing nothing out of whack. Some people use the expression “their way or the highway”. In my case, it is “his way or no way”. If I tried to leave, I would be dead. Only once, has he come pretty close. Given my fiery nature and his cocky attitude, we don’t mix.

Once, I thought I could out smart him. I made it look like I was doing everything normally, but at the end of the day, instead of going home to him, I actually went home, to Capeside. Never having the nerve to tell Bessie what was really going on, she didn’t question me. So, since he knew that I wouldn’t have the nerve to tell her, he came and fed her some bull shit story about how we got in a little tsk and whisked me back home while I was sleeping. When we got back to our home, I was positively awake. I had to stay in the hospital for a week. I think we are too much a like in our minds. He is a bit smarter than me, he always seems to know what I am thinking and I am certain that he is stronger. Ah, the inevitable statement, just leave. Believe me, if it were that easy, I would. Okay, so I could tell someone. It’s not that easy, either. If I told and someone helped me, I would get away from him for a while, but he would eventually find me and kill me and the person I told. There you have it. I am stuck in a love less marriage for the rest of my life. Since I don’t think happily about my life anymore, I think about my previous life. The one I had ten years ago. That smile. That face. That love. How I wish I still had that.

Maybe if I hadn’t started all this running nonsense from the get-go, I wouldn’t be in this mess. If I had just followed my gut and made him stay. By the time I realized what I had done, it was too late. He was gone. I have seen hide nor hair of Pacey Witter for ten years and counting. I still love him. I always have. I often sit and wonder if he feels the same. Sometimes I even wonder if he could help me. I think he could, but that would be putting him in harms way. I don’t know if I could do that. Plus, I wouldn’t begin to know where to find him.

Jen. Okay, maybe I would. I know that she knows where he is.

Or did anyway. I have kept in touch with her all these years, except this last one, because of well, you know. I just kinda faded away from her. I would have put her in harms way. I couldn’t do that to her either, I love her. She’s my best friend. She’s tried to call and keep in contact with me, but every time, I dodge her. Not on purpose. I want to keep her safe. She knew something wasn’t right about him. She just didn’t know what. Before we lost contact she would ask on numerous occasions, again I dodge. She even hired cop friend of hers to scope me out. But my husband, being the wonderful man he is, payed the man off to tell Jen I was alive and well. I do talk to my sister once a week, but as stated before, it’s just for show. If he had it his way, I would be locked in the house all day long, not ever allowed to go anywhere. It wouldn’t be that different.

I pull my legs down off my desk, as they are growing stiff. I knocked a picture frame off the shelf behind me with my foot. It falls to the floor and breaks. Two pictures fall out. One is hidden behind the other. It is probably one of the few keepsakes I have from my previous life. I know I say that like I am dead or something. Sometimes I feel that way. I know I am not, every time he lays a hand on me, I know I am not.

Back to the picture. It frames his face perfectly. The light bounces off and gives him a glow. My eyes follow my finger as it traces the outline of his arm around my waist. He was so strong. But in a way that it made me feel safe and warm. Never in danger. I bring my fingers up to my lips, as I am remembering the moment. His kisses were always tender and slow. Never harsh and needy. I long to feel that way again. I am going on three years with no loving emotion in my life.

I ponder these thoughts for a long while. I slap my hands together a few minutes later and pop open one of the drawers on my desk. I take out all of the papers and other items. I slam my fist on the bottom of the drawer and the wood lifts up. There is a small piece of paper on it that reads:

Jennifer Lindley
1222 Lakewood Drive
Boston, Mass.
514-289-6387

I tear the paper off and sit it on my desk. Just as I pick up the phone and am about to dial, it beeps. I try to ignore it and dial anyway. The blasted thing won’t let me dial if I have an incoming call. I slam the phone down in frustration. I lean back in my chair as the phone continues to beep. It stops and I think I am in the clear. As I am reaching for the phone once more, the loud speaker comes on.

“Mrs. Doling, your husband is on the line.”


Email Rachael

raylene820@hotmail.com


Back to Rachael's Stories | Back to Fan Fiction | Back to the Main Page


This page has been visited times.