Author: Mistress Lynn
Date: 22 Oct 1998

The other night I was in one of the BDSM chatrooms on AOL. As is the usual custom, various topics were being presented for discussion; and, of course, the topic of "multiple submissive vs. single submissive" relationships once again reared its ugly head. It is amazing how this particular subject ignites the fires of indignation and rage within persons who are normally calm and reasonable. On many occasions, I have stepped up onto the debate soapbox to offer a different way of looking at being in a Dominant/multiple-submissive relationship. I refuse to say that I defend My position, as I do not feel it is *wrong.* Instead, I like to remind people that not everything works for everyone, and that we all have choices.

For some reason, the very thought of being "one of many" causes many people, especially women, to become critical, insecure, and close-minded. Those new to the lifestyle will pose the question of how to answer when their Dominants tell them that They wish to bring another submissive into the relationship. The submissives I have encountered in the room will vehemently tell these novices that this is insensitive and cruel on the part of the Dominant. Quite often I have seen these people being advised to seek a new Dominant. For many, this simply adds to their confusion and anxiety, especially when they are happy with their Dominants in every other aspect of the relationship. As I had sufficiently removed the "cyber tar and feathers" from the last time I had supported My position, I once again challenged those who would condemn My choice.

Since I do find that this insecurity is more prevalent among the "fair sex," I will address My comments accordingly. (I am well aware, however, of the many men who also feel intense jealousy and an inability to accept that the attentions of their Dominants might be directed toward others, but I have found this to be the exception rather than the rule.)

Being a woman, I can understand why so many of the female submissives have difficulty accepting the idea of having to share their Dominants. In our society, women are taught that one of the measures of her success is in her ability to find a mate, get married, and have children. While this gauge is changing, it is changing very slowly. Many women "lose" their husbands to other women. The ratio of women to men is sadly disproportionate. Everywhere women are in competition with other women, especially when speaking about physical attraction. It is no wonder that a female submissive feels betrayed, undesirable, or inadequate when asked to welcome another into the BDSM fold. That should not have to be the case.

When a submissive is not going to be the only submissive that a Dominant *owns*, there should be an added sense of responsibility felt by the Dominant. He/She must strive to, first and foremost, be totally honest with the submissive. The addition of someone new impacts every aspect of the relationship. In cases of an established relationship, the submissive should be encouraged to speak freely, voicing opinions and concerns. I also strongly recommend that if there is going to be more than one submissive, that there be at least three or more. With two, once again, there is direct competition between the two.

In the case of a submissive initially considering service to a Dominant, he/she has a right to know upfront that it will not be an exclusive, monogamous union on the part of the Dominant. Those Dominants who withhold the truth or intentionally mislead the submissive do not deserve the gift that they are offered. I have heard of "Dominants" online who will create five different screen names in order to have five different submissives, promising each one that he/she is the only one. I’ve often wanted to be the proverbial "fly on the wall" when they find out about one another…..and they always do eventually.

Some people want and need a one-on-one relationship, especially considering the deep level on which a BDSM relationship is based. For others, because of time or personal restrictions, that exclusivity is not of such paramount importance. What is important is that each person should be made to feel as though he/she is special in his/her own right, regardless of whether "one" or "one of many."

Could you be happy in a multiple-submissive relationship or not? Only YOU can answer that, and you answer for yourself. Remember that your submission is your gift…your choice. If you just could not accept being in a multiple-submissive relationship and the Dominant still decides that He/She is going to proceed regardless, then it may be time to move on. Do not be too quick to make a judgment without weighing all the pros and cons of each side of the argument, however. Try to keep an open mind, and you just might end up in the most rewarding relationship you could ever have.