Keeping Secrets: What Sentinels and Gay Men Have in Common by Annabelle Leigh While I doubt that the metaphor was intentional on the part of the creators, I do think there are many parallels that can be drawn between Jim's struggle to accept his senses and what many gay men in our society go through. When we first see Jim, he is seeking help for his *problem.* He frames it as an anomaly, a recent occurrence. He doesn't understand what's happening to him, why he's having the feelings and reactions he is. He doesn't like it, and he wants someone to make it stop. Other people (Simon, Carolyn, the doctors) also view what's happening to him as a pathology. He feels scared, angry, hopeless, confused, depressed. But then someone understands, someone who becomes important in his life, in a role that in some ways is reminiscent of a therapist or counselor. This person assures him that what he's feeling is a natural part of who he is, a genetic predisposition, something that cannot and should not be fought. This does and does not make him feel better. He's glad not to be crazy or sick, but he doesn't want to be a freak either. He doesn't want to be stuck with these feelings that are so far outside the norm. He sees it as a curse and would prefer to be rid of it. His fondest wish is to be like everyone else. Gradually, he begins to accept and act on his feelings, more and more often, finding that it does feel good now that he has more of a handle on it, now that he has a frame of reference. On the other hand, he still feels a kind of shame about being different. Very few people know about him, only a select circle who are sure to understand, and he's careful to keep it this way. He is what he is, but he keeps this information carefully closeted. Occasionally, the sense of not wanting to be different really wells up in him, and he consciously cuts off these feelings. There are always painful consequences when he tries to repress his true self, and as time goes by, he is able to manage it less and less effectively. The genie truly is out of the bottle, and there's no going back. After a while, he begins to remember that these feelings have always been part of him. He had them in childhood and enjoyed them in his innocence. But his father called him a freak and told him never to let anyone else know what he was or there would be severe consequences. His father taught him that no one would accept him for who he was, because there was something wrong with these feelings, with him. As a child, he felt both ashamed and betrayed, and he learned to cut off parts of himself in order to survive. Even his childhood mentor noticed that he was always questioning himself, that he held back, that he suppressed parts of who he was. Eventually, the dots begin to connect. There's a history of failed relationships, of being remote with other people. His ex-wife says that if he had kissed her more passionately while they were married they wouldn't be divorced. Suppressing his authentic self, squelching his unusual feelings has taken a terrible toll on his ability to connect honestly and openly with other people. But he does begin to form a strong relationship with the person who understands him best, who accepts him for who he is. With his loving support, he is able to let out more of his authentic self, and finally he chooses to be what he really is, to accept these feelings and follow this path. He becomes less careful to hide his unusual behavior, and people begin to notice. He doesn't explain, and they don't ask. But they do realize he is different in some way, and they have their suspicions about what this difference is. However, they are content to not ask if he doesn't tell. When the threat of exposure comes along, it is the crisis of his life. No matter how much more comfortable he's become with these feelings in private, he's not ready for the world to know about them. He probably never will be. He hates being the object of speculation. He's terrified of being thought of as a freak. He's afraid of the reaction his family will have. And he's not just being paranoid, because there are people who would hurt him for being different, for openly acknowledging who and what he is. So when asked, he lies about it and denies his own truth. His supporter lies too, to protect him, and as necessary as this is, it painfully echoes his past, when his father denied him and his experience. In the end, there is a polite fiction that everyone accepts. Although there has been plenty of doubt raised in people's minds, they accept that the story of his unusual feelings was all just a lie, in large part because this is more comfortable for them than having to deal with his difference. He tries to go back to things the way they were, leading his double life, but he will never be free of the whispers and the wondering. To me, this could just as easily be the story of a man's grudging acceptance of his homosexuality as it is the tale of Sentinel senses. In fact, it very much reminds me of what a friend of mine went through. Perhaps, this is yet another reason why TS attracts so many of us slashers to it.