I met Leland online in a chat room...I considered him safe. I wasn't looking for a relationship nor any of the sexual dealings that are so often associated with chatting online. I wanted some casual conversation with a peer. We shared a love of many things in life and fast became friends.
Then the tide turned. He began to tell me the more personal details of his life. Well, the lies that he portrayed as details. He informed me that his wife was slowly dying, that he feared being alone in the world when she left him. I comforted him, befriended him, and promised him that as long as I was alive, he'd never be alone. It was a tender time where I was sucked into a web of lies and deceit as he took advantage of my loving giving nature.
He soon crossed the line past friendship, swearing his undying love to me across the 500 miles that separated us. He sought to erase those miles as well. He called me first, he set up meetings, he very cleverly used his church business in ways to cover our contacts, setting up personal mailboxes within the ARP structure. He found opportunities to go on errands for the church in order to call me privately. And, we did meet, staying in motels halfway between each other, savoring every stolen moment that was not ours to have. We chatted every evening online, all day while he was at work, and created phone bills of enormous proportions...all on my calling card, the number which I foolishly provided to him.
How stupid I was. I explained it to myself in terms that made it honest and right. I consoled myself in the knowledge that his wife was soon to be gone, and that I was merely waiting patiently to care for him. Right...I was an adulteress wasn't I? I'd often fret and stew and ask him how, as a man of God, he could justify breaking all of the ten commandments I had lived by. He could explain it all away so that I was blinded to my dishonesty. I still felt like a vulture on the roadway waiting for the next roadkill, waiting to pick the carrion that was left.
He asked me to marry him, gave me a ring, swore his total committment to
me forever. He began to fancy her death aloud, knowing it would mean we'd be
together sooner, actually wishing it. It concerned me that he did that. It wasn't
right, as much as I wanted to be with him...it just wasn't right.
This continued for two years. Two years I gave myself heart and soul to this man, unlike any feelings I had ever felt before. My life was him, my future was him, my very being was him.
Then she found out...the wife found out. He said she threatened to take away his ministry, which he loved more than even he loved me. I could not let him lose what meant so much to him, something he and I had planned to live together someday. I had to let him go.
Then I discovered the lies. The wife is not dying, the wife will likely outlive us all. She could never have taken away his ministry for his church knew of this, and overlooked it. I'm sure he parlayed the affair in such a manner as to lay the blame on me. Never mind that he's lied, cheated, committed murder in his mind to get his jollies...I was the outsider...I was the sinner.
It's as simple as that? Forgive me?
I'm glad it works for him. He that will likely do this again. He needs the validation of a woman's love to make him feel whole. He's out there, living his life, moving on believing that just by saying "I'm sorry"...it's alright with his ticket to heaven.
He wasn't sorry for what he did to me. He didn't apologize for me having to give up everything to save him. He didn't apologize for ripping my life apart and leaving me with no will to breathe. He didn't apoligize for the fact that I have to live my life never feeling like God will forgive me for my part in this. Because I feel like what we did was so wrong, so very wrong, that it's unforgiveable.
Love is not for the faint of heart, not when you dance with the heartless. Leland Beaudrot is just that, and he represents one of the largest church organizations in the South. He represents God. Watch out for him...he represents danger to your very being.