The One With The Candle Wax
Written by: James Aston
Setting: series six, after The One With The Nap Partners
Scene: Monica, Chandler and Phoebe’s apartment, Phoebe is on the couch watching TV with Joey, Rachel is in the bathroom, Ross is in bedroom and Monica is standing.
Monica: Rachel, have you done the dishes already?
Rachel (from bathroom) Yeah. . .
Monica: There still in the sink, honey. Are you doing them from the bathroom?
Rachel: Yeah. . .No.
(Chandler walks in)
Chandler (taking off his coat) You do not know how bad my day has been.
Joey: So? You should be glad that you haven’t had the day I’ve had. Boy have I had one hard day.
Monica: Hun, you got up, and, well, got up. That’s all you did.
Joey: And?
Chandler: The best part of my day was seeing Suzie from marketing bend over and. . . (sees Monica staring at him) and do nothing! Nothing else!
(Chandler goes over to kiss Monica)
Monica: Phew!! You stink of cologne!
Joey: Looks like miss marketing was doing more than nothing, huh, Chandler?
Monica: Chandler!!
Chandler: Listen, that was the best part of my day, and my day wasn’t very good. Anyway there’s this guy who sits next to me at work during lunch who wears women’s cologne, that’s all. I mean, Suzie’s cologne smells nothing like this one. . .digging, digging, digging!!!
(Rachel walks out of the bathroom, and the power goes out)
Rachel: That’s all I need. I think I’ve caught Ross’s stomach bug, and now a power cut.
Monica: Ah no! The power! Oh, hun.(to Rachel) Have you been sick?
Rachel: Yeah. Can we forget about me cleaning the dishes now?
Monica: Sure hun. (Walks to the bathroom, looks in) But you can clean the toilet though.
Joey: (Gets up for the toilet) God rach, what did you do in here? It stinks!!
Rachel: I did a crossword!! What do you think I did?
Chandler: you know what this means. More air freshener! (Throws Monica the bottle)
(Ross runs from the bedroom into the bathroom and we hear a heaving noise)
Monica: Oh God. Ross, I just sprayed in there!
Ross: The scent makes me heave.
Joey: This is like the third powercut in as many weeks.
Phoebe: you know what this reminds me of?
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: The winter of 1937 in Saudi Arabia. Boy was there powercuts then. I was strong enough to carry the people through though.
Joey: What did you say?
Phoebe: Oh no sorry. I got mixed up. I meant to say The winter of 1988 in the Bronx.
(Ross emerges from the bathroom, Monica throws him the air freshener)
Ross: Thanks.
(Monica gets up)
Monica: Im going to go and try and find some candles.
Chandler: You know, fast food attendants are asses.
Joey: why do you say that?
Chandler: well, I went to a Burger Palace when I came out of work earlier, I ordered a Double Whopper and fries, I said FRIES, and I got a Double Whopper and NUGGETS!!
Ross: Jeez, man, cool it!
Chandler: yeah, sorry. The dark makes me grotty.
Ross: Hows that?
Chandler: Well, when I was younger I got trapped in my fathers wardrobe. (PAUSES) With his stockings, bra and panties. Oh yeah, there was this long plastic. . .(interrupted by Monica)
Monica: Great. I can’t find the candles. A whole apartment, and no candles!!
Joey: Erm, Mon, I think that may be my fault.
Monica: What?
Joey: Yeah, it’s just that, you know, (getting quieter, mumbles something) well, it was like that.
Monica: Come on Joey, just tell me where the candles are? It aint gettin’ any lighter!!
Joey: I did meditation, okay? I don’t like to admit it, but I did the meditation thing with a girl I brought back to my place. I didn’t have any candles.
(Ross and Chandler snort)
Joey: It got her into bed!
Ross: Oh well, that’s different.
Chandler: Oh yeah.
Phoebe: Oh. . .
Monica: Joey!! Those were the emergency candles!
Joey: They were scented! How was I supposed to know? Why do you want scented emergency candles anyway?
Monica: Every little helps to keep the apartment fresh.
Joey: I bet suzie in marketing likes scented candles. . .
Ross: stop going on about scents! They make me heave! I’ve got candles in my apartment. But I’m to ill to get them.
Phoebe: I’ll get them for you. Where are they?
Ross: In my bedside drawer, third, no second drawer down. Don’t go into the third drawer!
Phoebe: I won’t. (winks at Monica) (quietly) whatever!
Phoebe leaves
Monica: Right. Now she’s gone, I’ve got something to tell you guys.
Chandler: Mon!! You said we weren’t gonna tell!!
Monica: No, sweetie. Not ‘that’.
Chandler: Oh good. (Pecks her on the cheek and whispers in her ear) never, ever say anything about ‘that’. You know how I don’t want anyone to know about my thing.
Ross: Yeah, I already know.
Chandler: How do you know about my thing?
Ross: It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I know.
Monica: Forget about his thing. We’ve got bigger news. Brace yourselves, this isn’t going to be nice. No, it doesn’t matter.
Joey: Just tell us.
Rachel: Yeah Mon, what is it?
Monica: Well, you see, Phoebe has been. . .well. . .
Chandler: Come on, just tell us honey!
Monica: Phoebe has. . .no I can’t.
Ross: Just tell us!!
Monica: Phoebe has been seeing Paolo!
Ross: Is that it?
Rachel: Paolo the garbage man? Well, come on.
Chandler: I thought Phoebe had been smelling weird lately.
Monica: You guys!! Not that Paolo, (doing two fingers speech mark thing) ‘Ross enemy’ Paolo, ‘Rachel ex’ Paolo!! Not Garbage guy Paolo!!
(Both Rachel and Ross run to the bathroom to heave, we hear a sicking up noise in there. Chandler gets up to see, Monica throws him the air freshener, he throws it in.)
Joey: Oh my god!! Big, BIG news!
Chandler: oh my god!! Bad, BAD news! Although I can see connections between ‘evil’ Paolo and garbage guy Paolo though.
Monica: She told me not to tell you guys, so you can’t say a thing about it to her.
Joey: How much? I mean it’s going to cost ya.
Monica: What?
Joey: Yeah, it’s going to cost you. If not cash, then I’ll be expecting some ‘Moni-love from you.
Chandler: Of course you’ll be leaving that down to me. . .right?
Joey: (thinks) Nah.
Chandler: What about the smell? If she hasn’t been seeing the garbage guy, then why does she smell so bad at the moment?
Monica: she says she’s been helping homeless people find food. (PAUSES) in litter bins.
(Ross pokes his head around the bathroom door)
Ross: eh err! That’s where I got my stomach infection from! (PAUSES) God, I never thought of Phoebe as a germ before.
(Rachel pokes her head around the door)
Rachel: I’m going to kill her when she gets back!
Joey: Wow Rach, don’t have ponies. . .
Chandler: Joe, it’s kittens, don’t have kittens. . .
Joey: Yeah, don’t have kittens either!
Rachel: yeah, but I’ve had to have my head down a toilet with Ross looking at his puke for the last minute, that’s enough!!
Chandler: anyway, Why?? Why, why, why. . . (Joey slaps him on the back of the head) Why would she do this?
Monica: Because she feels bad for them! anyway, shouldn’t we be talking about her going with Paolo? Yes people PAOLO!!
(Phoebe re-enters)
Phoebe: Well, I got the candles. And I can see why you didn’t want me to go inside your drawer . . .
Ross: Oh, er, erm. . .yeah, those dinosaur bones really are embarrassing. . .! (looks at Chandler)
Phoebe: Yeah, I don’t think we put dinosaur bones in the same category as DIRTY MAGAZINES! But judging by some of those women, they look as if they were around in the Ice ages along with T-rex.
Ross: Actually, we like to say T-Rex was around in the prehistoric ages (thinks) but. . .I’m single, okay, what do you expect?!
Rachel: Yeah, uh, Ross, I found your stash of mags when we were dating.
Joey: But dude, how old are these chicks?
Phoebe: At least forty. In some cases in their fifties.
Ross: Me, he asked me!!! (he gets in Phoebe’s face) me!!! anyway, if dishing dirt is what we’re doing, then I think we all know what you’re doing with a certain PAOLO!!
Phoebe: Monica, you told them!!
Monica: I couldn’t keep it from them. . .
(Phoebe lights a candle)
Phoebe: alright! I just took some of the stuff he found off his hands!! That’s all! Just for the homeless people!
Chandler: no, Pheebs, P-A-O-L(does a long L)-O.
Phoebe: yeah, garbage guy. . .
Chandler: no, Paolo, THE Paolo, Rachel Paolo, Ross Paolo!!
Ross: Pheebs, the Paolo Rachel dated, the one you’re dating! Yes Pheebs,
date-ing, ING!
Phoebe: Oh yeah. No. It’s nothing major. We just got talking. . .well, me and his translator.
Joey: He has a translator? Woah cool!
Rachel: How could you Phoebe??
Phoebe: I knew you guys would be like this, that’s why I told you not to tell Mon!
(Candle wax is ready to drip onto Monica’s head)
Rachel: Phoebe watch that. . .
Monica: OUWWWCCCHHHH!!
(The hot wax has dripped onto Monica’s scalp, and she is in pain)
Phoebe: What is it?
(She hasn’t noticed the wax, and more drips on)
Monica: Pheebs, the candle wax!!
Chandler: Move the candle! Move the candle! (Starts making a siren sound). . .sorry.
(CUT TO: EMERGENCY ROOM)
SCENE: Emergency room waiting area, everybody is there apart from Monica
Ross: I can’t believe we had to get here by bus.
Rachel: It wouldn’t have been as bad if you hadn’t barfed again!
Ross: It was an accident! Just like that time when I was younger. . .No, yeah I won’t go there.
Rachel: No, why don’t you tell us? Was it that time you soiled yourself whilst waiting to ask me if I wanted to dance when you were in high school?
Ross: Rachel! You promised you wouldn’t say anything about that when we were dating!
Rachel: Oh, how unobservant Ross. In case you hadn’t noticed, we aren’t going out with each other anymore!
(They sit silently for a few seconds)
Ross: I gotta go pee.
Rachel: you just can’t leave your bodily fluids alone can ya?
(Ross gets up for the bathroom)
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Have you ever noticed how, when your sitting in a restaurant, the table always seems to wobble. Yet when the table only has three legs, the table doesn’t wobble. Why is that Pheebs? Why? Why?
Phoebe: Well I subscribe to the theory that carpenters would be reduced by fifty percent if a leg of every table was removed. Satan’s minions are at work!
Chandler: I think most tables would fall over easier with one less leg.
Phoebe: don’t cover for the devil, Chandler!. . .(thinks) That’s probably the reason though.
Chandler: Yeah.
(Ross returns from bathroom, we hear a voice from inside the bathroom)
Male voice: Pheeeew! What happened in here? It’s bubbling!
Ross: Don’t disrespect my barf! It can’t defend itself!
Male voice: well, it looks human enough to me! I’m surprised it hasn’t been trained in martial arts!
(Cut to scene inside examination room, Monica is sitting on a bed, and she is having bandages wrapped around the outside of her head)
Monica: How long have I got to keep this think on for?
Nurse: Oh, well, at least seven days.
Monica: seven days!! I’ve got a boyfriend, I live with him!! What’s he gonna think?
Nurse: Don’t worry, I was in a predicament like the one you’re in.I had hot water on my head. I was okay, I mean, I didn’t get any bedroom activity for the next month, and well he divorced me, but I had the satisfaction of dating the guy who dripped the hot water on my head. You could date the person who dripped the candle wax on your head!
Monica: It was another woman.
Nurse: Well, it’s the 21st century, you can’t go around letting that kinda thing stop you!
(Cut to waiting area)
Joey: you know, my Joey-charm just doesn’t turn nurses on.
Chandler: why don’t you test that out?
(A nurse walks past Joey)
Joey: How you doin’?
(Nurse just looks at him)
Chandler: How about that one?
(A fat ass nurse is walking past Joey.)
Joey: How you doin’?
(Nurse looks at Joey and starts to talk to him, he looks worriedly at Chandler)
Fat ass nurse: Well hello deary, maybe I could give you a check up. . .
Joey: no, I’m good! Only checkin’! Keep up the good work!
Chandler: hey let me try that!
(Fat ass nurse walks past)
Chandler: Hey there! Want my number?
(Fat ass nurse walks past after looking worriedly at HIM)
(Old nurse walks past)
Chandler: Hey Ross, there’s an old nurse!! You like older chicks!
(Male nurse comes up to Chandler)
Chandler: may I help you?
Male nurse: Hi, I was wondering if I could have your number. . .
(Monica comes out of the examination area, talking to the nurse)
Chandler: (looking at head bandage on Monica) Well Monica, you look just like. . .no, too easy.
Monica: (Ignoring Chandler) Oh really? Your boyfriend sounds really great. Hope your happy. Although he does sound a lot like someone I know, or who I did know.
Nurse: What like, dark complexion, an accent and a translator?
Monica: Well yeah.
Phoebe: Hey, that sounds a lot like Paolo!
Joey: which Paolo? Garbage guy or evil Paolo?
Phoebe: well both!
Rachel: Garbage guy Paolo has a translator?
Phoebe: Yeah, but not a human one. One of those electronic ones. I found it for him. I had to look all through these old bits of chicken. It had bits of pizza on it too. . .
Joey; that’s where my translator went! I put it down the garbage chute by accident!
Phoebe: oh, I’m sorry! I’ll have to try and get it back for you.
Joey: Is the pizza still on it?
Phoebe; No he ate the bits of pizza.
Joey: Damn!
Nurse: I’ll go and get Paolo.
Monica: can I see you for a second Rach.
(To Rachel, away from the others)
Monica: I think it’s that Paolo! What are we going to do?
Rachel: well how come he’s here anyway?
Monica: His nurse girlfriend brings him here.
Rachel: I didn’t know Pheebs was a nurse. . .
Monica: No, hun, he’s two timing her.
(The nurse returns, with the foreign Paolo)
Phoebe: well hello, Paolo. And hello Paolo’s translator.
(The translator translates for Paolo)
Phoebe: (to nurse) what are you doing dating my boyfriend?
Nurse: Your boyfriend? He’s my boyfriend!
Monica: (In foreign accent) I think Paolo been one bad boy, yes!
(Both Phoebe and Nurse look at him)
Paolo: ahhh, Phoebe and err Samantha. . .
(both nurse and Phoebe are staring him down)
Chandler: (quietly) Phoebe and Nurse, Phoebe and Nurse, Phoebe and nurse. . .(He carries on chanting)
(Joey starts chanting, Ross starts chanting, Rachel starts chanting and Monica just watches)
(Paolo starts chanting something in foreign, and his translator is looking at him and translating)
Translator: Security and Security, Security and Security, Security and Security! (he stops)
(A long pause, and . .SLAP! Both give him a slap)
Joey: Phoebe and Nurse!
Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler and Ross are on sofa, and Joey is in the chair, Rachel is on a stool)
Rachel: Well, you’re better off without him.
Phoebe: well we haven’t exactly got rid of Paolo as such. I’ll be back in a second. . .
(Phoebe leaves for the door, Monica hands out the masks they wear whilst operating)
Monica: Put them on.
(They do, Phoebe re-enters)
Phoebe: I want you to meet my new boyfriend. . .Garbage guy Paolo!
Rachel: Oh god! The stench!
Ross: Oh my stomach! (Both run for the bathroom)
The End