My wife and I can’t come
to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your
name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as
we’re finished.
Hello, you’ve reached
Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now,
because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to
right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when
we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to
you.
A is for academics, B is for
beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So
leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are
the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are
my parents, please send money. If you are my financial
aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If
you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator’s voice:)
There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable
maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it,
his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make
it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The
bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything
you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
(From my Japanese friend in
Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I
call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call
sooner!
Hi. I’m probably home,
I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave
me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s
you.
We’re sorry. You have
reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90
degrees and try again.
Hi, this is Ed. I’m
secretly replacing Bob with dark sparkling Folger’s
Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message
and he’ll call you back when he’s nice and
percolated. See if you can tell the difference.
WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS
FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED But we’re not home
right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll
assimilate you later.
Hi! John’s answering
machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself
with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron’s
toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop
for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast
is done... (Cachunk!)
Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything
you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
(Very fast:) Hi, this is
904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for
the tone. If you want to leave your name and number,
please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then
press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your
name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for
extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you
want to leave your number and the time you called, please
press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk
loud and (BEEP)
E’llo. My name is Inigo
Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and
number, and prepare to die. CHALLENGE: Can anyone tell
from what movie this is? :-)
This is the Literacy Self
Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number,
and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word.
Today’s word is "supercilious".
Greetings, you have reached
the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and
what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang
up.
I can’t come to the
phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave
a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my
shape, one of them will get back to you.
I can’t come to the
phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don’t remember. I’d
appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name
and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
Thank you for calling the CSU
Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test ... Is this
tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP
(Rod Serling imitation:)
You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without
time, where sound collides with color and shadows
explode. You see a signpost up ahead—this is no
ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached,
"The Twilight Phone".
Thank you for calling
434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your
touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push
2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong
number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this
button-pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good
way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have
a big time phone system.
(In a bored voice:) Heaven,
God speaking... Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you
want?
This is a test. This is a
test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is
only a test.
I can’t come to the
phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone
now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while
you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess
it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it...
I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
The number you have reached,
226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477.
Please make a note of it.
You have reached the CPX-2000
Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being
digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is
done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR
voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral
purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to
further explain the benefits of our service, and to
arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING
MACHINE. SPEAK.
You have reached the number
you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
Hello, this is Sid. I’ve
got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in
the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.
