This Furby did not ASK if he could chop off FiFi's head. He did not choose to discourse over whether Misha should be in a choke hold with Charmin. He simply DOES WHAT HE WANTS!!!!! THERE IS NO REMOTE CONTROL FOR THIS CREATURE. He will run you over, eat your sister, and barf on your mother ...... do not think that you have the power to de-Furby him. He cannot be MATCHED!!!!!!!!!!

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February 22, 1999:

You bolster me so with your lovely e-mails and snailmail. It's nice to know that so many of you sympathize with my Furby Nightmare. This tent is really rather dreary, but I manage to get by with my big screen tv run off my generator, full refrigerator and freezer, and central air conditioning unit. The Park Ranger said something about "Smokey the Bear having a 'friggin heart attack" --- whatever THAT means. Rude guy. But while I was indulging in my big screen television with surround sound, I managed to catch that lovely guy Dave's show!!!! How entertaining!!!! And what did he have as the top ten for the night???? FURBIES!!!!!!!! Dave is right on target. He knows that furbies are Satan spawn. Go here to see the list: Dave's Top Ten List!!!!!

My cat Moose is here with me. He survived, the surviving fish are swimming merrily in their tank (minus Bud). And the birds do keep me company. But my only human company consists of Mimi, the manicurist, who only manages to get out to my tent twice a week. My hairdresser refused to come to a tent to do my hair, and my doctor hung up on me.

ON WITH THE DAMN STORY!!!!!!!

In trying to back away from that horrid Furby, I fell back on to the couch, where the fifth vertebrae of my glutteous maximus hit the "ON" button on my tv remote and POOF!!!!! the television popped on. And what else could be showing, but my favorite -- The Jerry Springer Show. I think it was that episode with those trashy people without teeth, with their clothes all very revealing, and I seem to remember a Jeri Curl or two, and I think there was someone mad on it, and someone named "Bubba." Well....... that transfixed that Furby!!!!!!! His face was glued to the screen watching those people. His face was attached to the TV. He grabbed all the remotes he could find and surrounded himself on the couch, crunching his ugly beak. I didn't believe what happened next, but it truly happened. He whipped out a pair of PINK SUNGLASSES!!!!! I guess the rays from the tv were too much for him. I had to take a picture......

Next thing I knew, the Furby thing grabbed my phone!!!! I looked closer to see what he was looking at next to the phone, and it was my Ultra Visa credit card. (oh no) He dialed a number that was on the television and started talking in a voice that sounded like......Pee-Wee Herman...... I swear...... Pee Wee.

Here he is, talking on my phone, getting slobber on it, and probably bits of Bud too.

He was ordering something from off of the television!!!!!! I glanced at the screen, and there was Jerry Springer, selling a likeness of him that was uncanny, in doll form! (Oh, that Jerry!!!!!) The Furby was ordering the Jerry doll on my phone, long distance ....... WITH MY CREDIT CARD!!!!!!!!!!!! The utter RUDENESS!!!! Well, needlesstosay, this handsome replica of Jerry arrived by COURIER!!!!!!! in about an hour.........

Having this creepy Furby killing my animals and using my credit card was exhausting. I needed some food. I took a peek inside my refrigerater where my usual friends were waiting for me to puree them, chop them, and create marvelous meals. The peas were a-dancing and a-swaying....... and the tomato was a'grinnin....

I just love happy vegetables.

The carrot was boppin'

and the bean was a-howlin

Luckily, while I scarfed down some Ho Ho's and whipped cream, that Furby just kept right on watching that Springer Show. But I know that my time was short. That show only lasted for an hour. That's all I had to recoup my strength to try and rid myself of this furball.

To be continued...........

March 1, 1999

Now, where was I in the story? I was distracted from writing because these guys from town are intalling a burglar alarm on my tent. As I am very impressed with the male of the species, I could NOT tear my eyes away from their manly frames, their mouths uttering obscenities about why I needed a *&%# burglar alarm on a *#%@ tent. I did ask them to join me in a Ho Ho, but when they entered my tent, the anti-Furby posters scared them away, as at the same time, Moose, drunk, I might add...... came BARRELING through my tent kitchen door heading for his litter box. That cat has NO manners. The men ran for their lives through the woods, leaving me to test my burglar alarm by myself. I was not smiling. I must say, I do require a man to "finish the job" if he is going to start it!!!!!! That's just good business, I'd say!!!!!!!

Anyway......... back to the story. As I heard Jerry Springer saying....."Take care of yourself..........AND EACH OTHER!!!!!" I know that the show was over, and I shook myself out of my sugar haze.

Anyway.......

That Furby had followed me into the kitchen, and here it is, that Furby, up on my shelf AGAIN, smoking(where does he keep that pack of cigarettes, and what the hell does he light them with?) (and doesn't he know they cause CANCER????!!!!), and when my eyes travel to the side.......... oh shit..... no.... it couldn't be true......... he was, he was, wearing, ........ my BEST EARRINGS!!!!!!!! I could not take much more. These were special earrings that I had purchased from the Home Shopping Network that were one of a kind. The Customer Representative there had assured me that these earrings were made from extinct wood that only the Home Shopping Network had from the rain forest. They were fashioned with that wood by the Rainforest Macaws themselves, with their little beaks and claws. The money that was collected from selling their earrings would put them through design school. The customer representative told me that all the African Grey birds got all the good jobs and all the good educational opportunities. The Macaws were in dire need of educational fellowships. My buying these earrings would ensure that the rain forest would flourish, the Macaws would have work and education, and all the little baby Macaws would have good self-esteem. The Furby had PLUNGED my precious earrings through his grimy ears and had them dangling from his gross appendages. Not even rubbing alcohol would clean that crap off those earrings.

I realized that that Furby must have snuck in to my bedroom and rustled through my jewelry drawer. Thank goodness he doesn't have hands or else I know he'd had taken my mood ring. So there he sat, swaying and smoking, the fumes from those cigarettes choking up my immaculate kitchen. As he swayed, my beloved earrings swished and swayed along with his movements. He was pushing me to the limit. I must think of another plan to get rid of this annoying furry thang.

March 24th, 1999:

Well, my little friends. I am concerned about the e-mails I am receiving. This is one in particular is frightening enough with its misspelled words and lack of continuity. This is the exact e-mail as received, complete with split infinities, misspellings, and garble:

Name: (left blank)

Comment: (All in caps!) Please advise I have heard that they are no longer being manufactured do to the simalarity to Grimmlans any truth to this? How many divverent types of furby's are there? Where can you find them? I have a 10-year old dieing to get one of these horrad creachers?

Oh, my goodness. This e-mailer reproduced??????????!!!!!!!! Some people should not procreate.

All I can say is............... LEARNING IS FUNDAMENTAL!!!!!! Phonics is for EVERYONE!

I have just found out that there are a MESS of Furbies way out in the bowels of Dorchester. They started a company called "Sarcastically Sick Toys For Children." This is the head Furthing:

He is creating weird toys meant to be sold to children and spread hate and grossness. Here is a sampling of his handiwork:

This one is some kind of animal that has to pee, but is trying to hold it in. Children can poke at his face as he squirms in pain. Great training for making fun of people with bladder problems.

This one is a Toucan bird HURLING HIS LUNCH of birdseed and dead bugs. GACK!!!!

Nice vomit effects, wouldn't you say? Teaches little Mary and David how Mom really really feels after that "girl's night out".

This one is a cat who is a peeping tom, and his eyes are about to explode. POP TOM, POP!!! Won't your little boy be proud that there is now a doll that likes to peek at naked woman too? And doesn't get arrested for it?

Here is some cow that I don't know what is happening to. Probably some "utterly" terrible disaster. hehehhe get it?????

This thing is a premature chicken that has been FRIED TO A CRISP!!!!!! Use this little gem to teach Suzi what her offspring will look like when an abortion goes awry.

This is apparently a flying grand Eagle that got a little too close to that jet liner. Chopped his head right off. What does this teach? Maybe that little Davie won't have any friends with no head, and squirting blood all over his new Nikes.

For you people who do not believe that the Furby is an evil doer, just read this!!!! They are programmed to ruin us!!! And each other!!!!!

Furbies are Suicidal!!

Need MORE Proof???????

Well, Derek has this info for ya:

Derek: "Ths is one of the rarest Furby pictures. These 3 Furbies were photographed in the wild just before they attacked and killed 2 photographers and a small bear."

Well Derek, I give you cudos for your outstanding bravery. You must have been very frightened.

Betsy is giving away free stuff!!!!, Yes, I said it, FREE!!!!

FREE STUFF!!!!!

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