April
28, 2002:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the
tabloids while
waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – today's
headlines:
NOAH'S ARK FOUND
ON MARS
[courtesy Weekly World News]
EINSTEIN'S STUPID
TWIN!
Dead ringer is dumber than a box of rocks
[courtesy
Weekly World News]
New
book SHOCKER
Prince
Charles told Di,
'I THINK I'M GAY!'
[courtesy
National Examiner]
and, this week's special, headline plus article
synopsis:
ROBINSON CRUSOE
SHOCKER:
Rowdy pervert
had sex with goats!
The real
Robinson Crusoe was a boozing, brawling bigamist named
Alexander Selkirk,
who brought a new meaning to the term
"animal
husbandry." Selkirk didn't have a man
Friday on his desert island, . .
.
so he corralled a harem of wild goats. . . . Diana Souhami
in her book Selkirk's Island
. . . depicts the
seamy life of the man on whom the novel "Rob-
inson Crusoe" was
based. The Scottish seaman also got his jollies by breaking the
hind legs
of his nannies to . . . keep them near for rolls in the
hay. Then, after having his way with
them, he notched the bleating
beasts' ears to mark his latest conquests. . . .
[courtesy
Weekly World
News]
April 21, 2002:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the
tabloids while
waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – today's
headlines:
'KIM BASINGER IS A NUT CASE!'
Alec's furious brother Billy tells
all
[courtesy National
Enquirer]
MOM TRIES TO
TRADE BABY FOR CHIHUAHUA
[courtesy National
Enquirer]
Baby Bob's a GIRL!
[courtesy National Enquirer]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
FGDean@aol.com wrote 4/14/02 re last
week's headline
" 'RUSSELL CROWE BIT ME!' says fan":
I decided that Russell Crowe bites after I saw Gladiator.
Now it's official.
Editorial:
We are aware that none of the headlines
above holds a candle to "Big
Foot Made My Husband His Sex Slave." But we are proud to be
able
to lift all our headlines
this week from the National Enquirer. Unlike the
fantasy and fiction
you see in most of the tabloids, most of the stuff in the
National Enquirer is true: It's just dressed up a
little more than it
would
be in the L.A. Times (or, on rare occasion, it's
stuff the uppity
Timeses
of the world would not consider fit to print to begin with).
April 14, 2002:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the
tabloids while
waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – today's
headlines:
FAT TOURIST
WRECKS TOWER OF PISA
- Leaning
landmark nearly topples over during visit!
- Italian
authorities threaten to sue
- 'She was-a too fat!' says Pope – 'Mama mia!'
[courtesy Weekly World News]
RUSSELL CROWE BIT
ME! says fan
[courtesy the Globe]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Franklin Reed wrote 4/8/02 re the comic
in Finland
whose elderly
audience literally died laughing:
What a way to go, but it wouldn't have to be that funny
for someone languishing in the typical nursing home.
Good observation. We left out this quotation: "You know, it
wasn't even one of my funniest
jokes," added LaRue. "I have
a lot stronger
stuff than that . . . ."
– Ed.
Dss wrote 4/9/02:
I hate to be skeptic, but when did you
ever meet
a Finn
with a sense of humor? . . . The phrase "Finn stand-up
comic" is not often heard. Nor is "let me tell you a really
funny Finnish joke."
And, re "SEX-ED CLASS SPARKS ORGY!": If I was
sending my kid to college to take Sex-Ed and there was
not an orgy, I would demand my
money back!
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April 7, 2002:
Things you would never know if you did not
browse the
tabloids while
waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – today's
headlines:
VAMPIRE KILLS 68
[courtesy Weekly
World News]
GIRL
WITH 14 FINGERS WINS TYPING CONTEST
[courtesy Weekly
World News]
RAGING
ELEPHANT SQUASHES KEEPER LIKE A BUG
[courtesy Weekly
World News]
GUY GOBBLED BY
GALPAL'S TIGER
[courtesy Weekly
World News]
SEX-ED CLASS
SPARKS ORGY!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
DI'S GRAVE EMPTY!
Family moves her after
terrorist threat
[courtesy National Examiner]
and, this week's special, headline plus article synopsis:
COMIC'S JOKE
KNOCKS 'EM DEAD -- LITERALLY
HELSINKI – Performing at a nursing home,
funnyman Jackie LaRue told a joke so funny
that
half his elderly audience keeled over –
and literally died laughing.
There were 120 still-kicking seniors in
the audience, ranging from 78 to 94 years
old, when La-
Rue started his act. When he
finished, only 62 were still breathing and
18 of them were in stitches
– from gaping
wounds in the skin of their bellies, which
burst because they laughed so hard. . . .
Officials at the nursing home would not
repeat LaRue's killer joke. . . . Neither
would LaRue, who
was visibly shaken. "All I'm gonna say," he said, "is, it had to do
with
a man, a wife and a mongoose."
[courtesy Weekly
World News]