February 23, 2003:
Things you would never know
if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – today's headlines:
TRAITORS!
. . .
Loudmouth celebs 'side with Saddam'
when
they
criticize President Bush's Iraq war plan
- Ed Asner
- George Clooney
- Barbra Streisand
- Jessica Lange
- Woody Harrelson
- Sean Penn
- Martin Sheen
- Bill Maher
[courtesy National Examiner]
POPE
MOVES INTO BOMB SHELTER
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Harper's Weekly
BONUS:
"Ken Livingstone, the mayor of London,
denounced President
Bush as a draft dodger, a stock market swindler, and a 'stooge
for the oil industry.' . . . . The Thai government urged
women to
enlarge their breasts with exercises rather than
plastic surgery;
as part of a demonstration, dozens of
women wearing shorts
and T-shirts squeezed their breasts outside the health ministry in
Bangkok."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers
interested
in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future
include Ed Asner, the
Pope, and a Thai woman with big tits.
February 16, 2003:
Things you would never know
if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – today's banner headline:
SURVIVAL
of the 7 dwarfs!
How Joseph
Mengele saved the Ovitz family
at Auschwitz
-- for his evil experiments . . .
[courtesy National Examiner]
and, this week's special, headline plus article excerpts:
TODAY'S
TRASHY STARS CAN'T
COMPARE
TO YESTERDAY'S
CLASSIC BEAUTIES
. . .
Renée Zellwegger . . . is no Betty
Grable.
What does George Clooney
see in the girl who uses hemorrhoid cream to reduce facial puffiness?
. . .
Jodie Foster ... is no Lana Turner. No "Taxi
Driver" would stop for this
dishwater blonde Mr. Blackwell says stands "Accused" of flunking
fashion....
Penelope Cruz . . . is
no Ava Gardner. After
designer Ralph Lauren
called her "the most beautiful human being I'ver ever
seen," Penelope
re-
plied, "I don't think so." Well, she's right. . . .
Julia Roberts . . . is no Arlene
Dahl. She
"changes hair color every two
seconds. She copies trends; she should be setting them," says
Arlene. . . .
Calista Flockhart . . . is no Hedy
Lamarr.
Thank heavens she carries a
purse, or you wouldn't know there was a woman in that dress. . .
.
Jennifer Aniston . . . is no Elizabeth Taylor . . .
. Julianne
Moore . . . is no
Mamie Van
Doren . . . . Sandra Bullock . . . is no Veronica Lake . . . . Deb-
ra Messing (what
were you expecting? Boobs?) . . . is no Jane Russell . . . .
Cameron Diaz
. . . is no Rita
Hayworth . . . . Pamela Anderson . . . is no Lau-
ren Bacall . . . . Winona Rider . . . is no Natalie Wood . . . . Daryl
Hannah . . .
is no Vivien Leigh . . . . Britney Spears
. . . is no Grace Kelly . . . .
[courtesy National Examiner]
Harper's Weekly
BONUS:
"A performance of John Cage's 'As Slow As
Possible' began
in Halberstadt, Germany. The piece was conceived to
last
20
minutes; the current performance will last 639 years, and it
will
take more than a year to play the first three notes."
February 9, 2003: Things you would
never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – today's headlines:
TV IS VULGAR, LEWD &
DISGUSTING!
[courtesy National Examiner]
O. J.
ATTACKS DAUGHTER
[courtesy National Enquirer]
JERRY
SPRINGER BITES HIS TONGUE
OFF
[courtesy the Globe]
Harper's Weekly
BONUS:
"Fragments of the space shuttle Columbia were offered for
sale on eBay within hours. . . . A Dutchman was charged
with fraud for selling plots of land on the moon. . .
.
Fist
fights broke out among participants
in Somalia's latest
round of peace talks. . . . A
substitute teacher in Fort
Worth, Texas, raped a 14-year-old girl in
a classroom
while other students watched."
February 2, 2003: Things you would
never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – today's headlines (all this week courtesy
Weekly World News):
DUCK
HUNTERS SHOOT ANGEL
'She
looked like a giant bird,' says Alabama man
Vatican
outraged over nude
calendar of
Virgin Mary!
Soccer club installs croc
moat
around field to
control fans
and, this week's special, headline plus article excerpts:
'THERE
ARE NO VIRGINS IN HEAVEN'
. . . claims terrorist
who came back from the dead!
GUANTANAMO BAY NAVAL
BASE, Cuba – An Al Quaeda detainee
who miraculously awoke after being declared legally dead has some
advice
for
would-be martyrs . . . : "You'll be sorry!"
. . . Wild-eyed Usamah Khalid said, " . . . I asked
where my 72 beautiful
vir-
gins were; and one of the men said, 'Wouldn't you rather have me?'
"There were women in the room, but they were
old
and wrinkled like
prunes.
. . . Some of them even had beards and mustaches in the
fashion
of Osama bin
Laden. . . .
"I recited the Lord's Prayer. . . ."
[Weekly World News]
Harper's Weekly
BONUS:
"Two frozen Caucasians fell from the sky in Shanghai,
China,
apparently from the undercarriage of an Air France jet; one
of the men crashed through the roof of a house. . . .
British
police sent polite letters to habitual criminals asking them
to
behave themselves. . . . Children from single-parent homes
are more likely to go crazy, a Swedish study found. . . .As-
tronauts on the space shuttle Columbia took
photographs
of sprites and elves among powerful
thunderclouds over
Australia."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers
interested
in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include sprites and elves.