June 29, 2003: Things you would never
know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
OVERWEIGHT
JUNGLE ARMY
DIETS
ON LOW-FAT PYGMIES
[courtesy Weekly World News]
SEXY
SIAMESE TWINS SEEK HUSBAND
[courtesy Weekly World News]
QUEEN
LATIFAH GETS BOOB JOB
[courtesy the Star]
¿IMPLANTES:
QUIÉN
LOS TIENE?
¡Si!
Ninel Conde
Lorena Herrera
Queen Latifah
¡No! Roselyn
Sánchez
Shakira
J-Lo
Paulina Rubio
¿Quién
sabe?
Salma Hayek
[courtesy ¡Mira!]
Harper's Weekly
BONUS:
A nine-year-old girl in an Indian village married a dog to
avoid
an omen. . . . New Zealand imposed a tax on flatulent livestock.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers
interested
in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Ninel Conde, Lo-
rena Herrera, Queen Latifah, and – Salma Hayek!
June 18, 2003: Things you would never
know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines (Tabloid Headlines
are being mailed four days earlier than usual because the edi-
tors will be on vacation this weekend):
SADDAM & OSAMA IN LOVE!
Their shocking
secret life revealed
[courtesy
Weekly World News – your editors' recommendation:
RUN down to Ralph's and BUY this
one – just for the PHOTO]
Joe Millionaire admits:
THE SHOW WAS RIGGED
[courtesy National Enquirer]
Martha's brother:
JAIL
WILL BE GOOD FOR
HER
[courtesy National Enquirer]
Church group begs Vatican:
MAKE 3 STOOGES SAINTS!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
and, this week's special, headline plus article excerpt:
BLOWING
YOUR NOSE MAKES YOU STUPID
PRAGUE – If your mind sometimes seems a bit
sluggish as
you
recover from a cold, there's a good reason, say medical researchers
– who've found that excessive nose blowing
kills millions of brain
cells.
Tests conducted on 340 subjects over 10 years reveal
significant
drops in IQ among those who blow their noses while ill, according
to the study at the prestigious Prague Ear, Nose & Throat
Institute.
Patients who simply dabbed their runny noses suffered no decrease
in intelligence. . . .
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Harper's Weekly
BONUS:
CBS News sent an interview request to
Jessica Lynch that
included "ideas" from CBS Entertainment, MTV, and
Simon
& Schuster. . . . An Iraqi shepherd filed a $200 million
lawsuit
against Donald Rumsfeld for the deaths of 17 family members
and 200 sheep. . . . British scientists were developing
"smart"
airline seats that will detect terrorists by measuring passengers'
anxiety levels. . . . A Coca-Cola employe was fired for drink-
ing
Pepsi on the job.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers
interested
in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Jessica Lynch's
a-
gent and Czech otolaryngologist Dr. Mirek Greguska.
June 15, 2003: Things you would
never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
200
WOMEN FOR SALE ON E-BAY
as hard-up sheik sheds harem
[courtesy Weekly World News]
WILLIAM
KICKS CAMILLA OUT OF
PALACE
as he reaches 21
[courtesy National Examiner]
SCOTT
PETERSON HAD GAY LOVER
and polygraph proves his story
[courtesy the Globe]
Harper's Weekly
BONUS:
A Lutheran minister in Denmark was suspended for saying,
"There is no heavenly God, there is no eternal life, there
is
no resurrection." http://www.startribune.com/stories/1451/3916100.html
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers
interested
in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Allende,
Thorkild
Grosboel, and Scott Peterson's attorney.
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
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We
have a special filter to detect that.)
June 8, 2003: Things you would never
know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
I AM JFK'S SON!
claims 'love child,' 39;
demands DNA test
[courtesy the Globe]
KIRSTIE
ALLEY SOARS PAST 200
LBS
[courtesy National Enquirer]
SADDAM'S
MUSTACHE FOUND
[courtesy Weekly World News]
BOMB & SWITCH
[courtesy
New York Times:
This is presented not
as a true
"tabloid" headline,
but in admiration of
the
copy editor who wrote
it, for Maureen Dowd's
column on the
reccent
revelations about why (and
why
not) the U.S. and
Britain went to war in Iraq]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Ed. note: We present the
following letter from Allende
in counterbalance to the "editorial" nature of the headline
above from the New York Times. (We must admit, how-
ever, that we do not understand this letter. Perhaps anoth-
er reader can help us out here.)
Allende wrote Wed 04 Jun 2003 @06:22:36 CDT:
Proposed Sunday morning discussion: If
a Democrat in
a
forest yells "the sky is falling," and everyone hears him, will
there ever be another house built by Habitat for Humanity?
Dick Freeman wrote Sun 1 Jun 2003 11:47:38 PDT, re "DINO-
SAURS INVADING KENTUCKY":
Well, it sure looks like Fred Dean standing in the
trees!!!
Harper's Weekly
BONUS:
President Bush was made an honorary Yale
Whiffenpoof.
"We
are poor little lambs who have lost our way," he said.
"Baa, baa,
baa." . . . In South Africa a baby was born after developing
inside
her mother's liver instead of in the womb. . . . A
Virginia woman
crashed into Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's car but
failed
to injure him. . . . A lawmaker in
Nebraska proposed declaring
war on Iowa.
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane
crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work,
either.
We
have a special filter to detect that.)
June 1, 2003: Things you would never
know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
SADDAM'S
WMD FOUND
CHEMICAL WEAPONS IN CUBA!
NUCLEAR WARHEADS IN FRANCE!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
New JFK scandal:
JACKIE
FOUND INTERN'S PANTIES
[courtesy the Globe – the "JFK's intern" story made the front pages
of the National Enquirer, the National Examiner and the Star
also,
but the most telling HEADLINE, by far, appeared in
the Globe]
SURVEY FINDS NO LINK
BETWEEN
SEX, CONDOMS
[courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
MYSTERIOUS
S.O.S. COMING FROM
TITANIC
[courtesy Weekly World News]
MAN
DIES AT DESK –
AND
NOBODY NOTICES FOR
FIVE DAYS!
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Willow Z. Seaweed wrote Sun 25 May 2003 @12:43:49 MDT,
re Harper's Weekly's follow-up report that the Microsoft internet
potty was a hoax:
Too bad. The toilet is a good place for Microshaft.
Jo Kerr wrote Sun 25 May 2003 @11:50:26 EDT:
I have to concur with the "Fred Dean" censorship.
I never did like the guy, and when has he ever not
felt smug? Quizá, pero dudoso.
Fred Dean wrote Tue 27 May 2003 @18:39:30 PDT:
It was a joke, for crissake!
Harper's Weekly
BONUS:
"I want to stress from the beginning this is one cow," said
the
Canadian minister of agriculture. . . .
Prime Minister Jean
Chretien ate a steak. . . . SARS continued to spread in To-
ronto. . . . A television channel devoted exclusively to SARS
opened in Singapore. . . .A British man who walked alone to
the North Pole sat there waiting for somebody to give him a
ride
home. . . . American interrogators were
forcing Iraqi
prisoners
to
listen to songs by Metallica, the "Sesame Street"
theme song, and
"I Love You" by Barney the Dinosaur.
DINOSAURS
INVADING KENTUCKY
[courtesy Edmonson (County, Kentucky) News]
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers
interested
in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Fred Dean.
