Edwin Kagin wrote Thu 12 Aug 2004 @22:07:55 EDT:



On another matter – last week's item in our "Dumb News from Kentucky"
section about the epilectic girl who takes her dog to school – we received,
and wrote, so much mail that we have devoted an entire  SUPPLEMENT
to it (it accompanies this newsletter). – Ed.

George W. Bush acknowledged that the War on Terror was "mis-
named."   He said it should be called "the Struggle Against Ideologi-
cal Extremists Who Do Not Believe in Free Societies Who Happen
to Use Terror as a Weapon to Try to Shake the Conscience  of  the
Free World." . . .  Six Guantanamo Bay prisoners boycotted military
reviews of their cases.  .  .  . Two Nigerian policemen were shot and
two were stabbed in a battle with wife swappers. . . . Scientists  said
alcohol makes your brain work better.  .  .  .  Traces of Prozac were
found in British groundwater. . . . Police put a stop to orangutan box-
ing at Safari World near Bangkok. .  .  . Toys R Us announced plans
to quit selling toys. . . . Dutch lawmakers called for a ban on unsolici-
ted toe licking.  . . .  A Parisienne declares in her book "Bonjour Par-
esse"  ("Hello  Laziness")  that  the  French should eschew the Anglo-
Saxon work ethic altogether and openly embrace sloth.

                                         [items 1-6, 8 courtesy Harper's Weekly]

"Peter T. Caram" sent us an e-mail titled "Can you tell me what this
 means. thank You."

A 7-year-old Mount Vernon schoolgirl with epilepsy won the right
to bring her seizure-sensitive, 55-pound Weimaraner dog with her
to the second grade.
                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Why you chose to include this item in your recent posting is beyond me.
There is nothing dumb about seizure-sensitive dogs.   I myself have wit-
nessed just such a dog in action and could  see  the  benefit.   There  is
disagreement  about the efficacy of using such a dog,  and  even  about
whether such dogs exist;  but again, I have seen it, and I know of many
dogs with other detection abilities as well.  Here are sources of info:

    http://www.medaus.com/p/300,3089.html
    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi

Beyond what is reported in these articles,  certain breeds are well-known
for specific detection and protective behaviors, such as the breed a friend
of mine has a pair of (sorry, I forget the breed) which patrols the pool area
when her young children are swimming  and  prevents  the small ones from
getting in the pool and has rescued one such who fell in.   None of this was
learned behavior, btw; no training was involved. Dogs of this breed are just
naturally protective of children and seem very well able to perceive danger.

Dogs are known to have an instinct for protection of their masters  when  they
perceive them to be in danger.  What raises the old eyebrow is  the  idea  that 
an animal of the canine persuasion can detect the onset of a seizure,  let  alone
know that it is a threat to the owner. and instinctively take protective action. It
is conceivable that, immediately prior to such an event,  epileptics emit a subtle
odor which is detectible only by a dog.  But if so,  how  do  it  know  what  de
smell  mean?

What's so funny about that?  "Seizure-sensitive" means the dog can detect a sei-
zure before it is evident to humans, and alert others that the epileptic needs help.

We did not say it was funny; we said it was dumb.

There are other children in Little Cheyenne's little class.  Some children are aller-
gic to dogs.  Some children are afraid of dogs – especially  big  dogs.  Dogs are
disruptive – especially big dogs – both physically and psychologically.

And where do we draw the line?  If Little Cheyenne can bring her seizure dog,
why can't Little Johnny bring his comfort dog?  Maybe Little Johnny has a type
of attention deficit disorder or demophobia that his dog can neutralize.

We at Tabloid Headlines are foursquare for equality.  We believe that if one kid
can bring a dog, all kids should be allowed to bring dogs. Then the second grade
would be a real howl (but Little Mary should be allowed to bring her Little Lamb,
if she prefers).

Or maybe Little Cheyenne should just get her little ass to the  Epileptic Village  in
Henry County, Indiana.

Thanks to all of you for writing.

You never were a dog person, were you, Natty?

                                      Dusty the Dog Woman

I love dogs!  Mala may actually be my best friend (Whiskey and Coco could
yap themselves into fatal laryngitis, however, as far as I care).

The only thing I have against dogs is that they are even  dumber  than  people
(and louder).

One of my dogs picks up things for me that I drop. The other alerts me when
the cat wants in.

The fucking CAT can't alert you?  Not much of a cat.

Both dogs chased off the possum that was living under the house.

You never were a possum person, were you, Dusty?

The cat keeps the bugs out of the house.

Part spider, no doubt.

The horse keeps the grass mowed. We all have jobs.

Part goat.

There is rarely a disruption, because we all have been taught manners (respect)
and we're all used to each other.   The same would be true in a classroom;  the
kids would get used to the dog being there, and the dog would not be nearly as
disruptive as a kid in an unchecked epileptic seizure.

Another good argument for sending the kid to Henry County, Indiana.

Dogs, by the way, fucking BARK!  They are disruptive.  And 55-pound dogs
have 5-pound  tails  to  wag – a 55-pound dog's fucking TAIL could knock a
second-grader  DOWN.  And  some  dogs  are – even worse – FRIENDLY.
They LICK you.  That's OK if you're wounded, but . . . .

I suppose the blind kid with the seeing-eye dog should be sent to a school for
the blind, too?

Fucking A.  And his fucking dog with him.

So much for equality!  As for allergies, there is medication for those.

There is medication for "attention deficit disorder," too.  There are several
prescriptions, but the ones that work best are heroin and chloroform.

What do you do for the kid who is allergic to  cotton  or  wool?   Ban  the
wearing of natural fabrics in school?

Well, this is the best argument I have yet heard for not allowing Little Mary to
bring her Little Lamb to school.

We would have a much more balanced and tolerant society  if parents taught
their children and their animals to accept and cooperate with people who are
"different."

Let's get this fucking straight:  Schools are for PEOPLE  (and  fish).  Zoos,
farms, ranches, kennels, back yards and the wild are for animals.

The fearful child would learn that not all dogs are frightening.

That would be a wrong lesson, and would encourage burglars and burglary.

The allergic kid would develop immunity or take medication, just like he/she
would have to do in other public areas.

Huh?  Wha'?  OK,  SMOTHER the little bugger in poison ivy  until  he  quits
scratching (do you really think George Bush will pay for calamine lotion? Shit,
he doesn't even believe in condoms).

The kids with "disruptive" dogs at home would learn that their dog can be trained.

Ho, fucking, ho, ho, ho.  They can be trained to sit, stand, lie down, heel, roll over,
beg, and maybe even belch.  I have yet to meet the dog that can be trained  not  to
BARK.

Kids should all ride horses to school, and bring their dogs to protect them from
attackers en route.  The lamb can come,  too,  but only if it is  housebroken  or
stays outside with the horses.

The sheep can come, too, if one fucks it just right.

It is simply a matter of teaching respect.

I have an idea:  Let's just have school at the fucking zoo.  No baboon left
behind.

The Kentucky Board of Education waived a regulation  barring  animals  from
school buses,  to let Little Cheyenne's Big Dog, Mikki, ride to school with her.

                                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 25 Jul 2004 @09:27:51 PDT – from L.A.,
in reference to last week's item "Health officials said 40% of Los An-
geles Countians get no more than 10 minutes of exercise per week":

Not me!  I gets my 386 minutes of exercise per week without no fail.

[Perhaps he is exercising that muscle in his cranium? – Ed.]

Fosterdme@aol.com wrote Sat 31 Jul 2004 @10:23:56 EDT:

I think spammer Alyson Knapp dissed you.  I don't know what the
"madt"  means,  but "yujrk" could well be that newfangled high tech
 talk for "you jerk."  Hope this doesn't ruin your day.

["Alyson Knapp" <dltgk@yahoo.ca> sent us an e-mail last week titled
"There's no place like home yujrkmadt." – Ed.]

Rushville Police Chief Tony Fudge issued an "Amber alert" (for abduc-
ted children) after a local woman told him her children's father had ta-
ken the kids to Pulaski County, Kentucky, without her permission.

Governor Ernie appeared on the Tonight show at the invitation of Jay Leno
("Kentucky: Got Teeth?"),  who,  along with Late, Late Show  host  Craig
Kilborn,  had been making fun of Governor Ernie's efforts to find  a  better
"brand" for Kentucky  (Governor Ernie actually made a suave and credible
appearance;  but Kentucky actress Ashley Judd followed him on the show
and made a complete fool of herself,  effectively  undoing  all  of  Governor
Ernie's good "branding").

With deep regret we announce that we are dropping the Star from our list of
regularly reviewed tabloids. It has donned a slick cover and now calls itself a
magazine (it thinks it is People).With great pride, however, we are pleased to
announce that the Star has been replaced in our list  by  the  Courier-Journal,
of Louisville, Ky.,  which,  although it remains a "full sized" newspaper in for-
mat,  has become  a  tabloid  in the fullest sense in other respects  (we under-
stand from our West Coast bureau chief that the Los Angeles Times also has
applied for tabloid status).
                                      – Ed. [special thanks to Bob Hill and Fred Dean]

A homeland security officer beat up a Chinese tourist. . . . . A photo-
graph of Paul Johnson's severed head appeared in nontabloid news-
papers all across the United States. . . . A South African woman put
a 100-year-old gold coin in a parking meter. . . . The commissioners
of Jefferson County, Texas,  voted to rename Jap Road. . . . The ci-
ty council of Monza, in northern Italy, banned goldfish in bowls. . . .
The name of Kobe Bryant's accuser was published on the Colorado
judiciary's web site (it's KATELYN FABER, remember?). . . . John
Kerry's wife told a Pittsburgh newspaper editor to "shove it.". . .Pak-
istan arrested a major terrorism suspect last Sunday but didn't reveal
the arrest until a few hours before Kerry's nomination acceptance ad-
dress Thursday. . . . Bob Edwards left National Public Radio for XM
Satellite Radio. . . . Stephanie Willett, an EPA scientist,  was arrested
for eating candy in the Washington D.C. subway.

                                           [items 1, 3-5 courtesy Harper's Weekly]

"BE_HUNG_4_LADIES_1@unspecified-domain" sent us an e-mail titled
"If you had a choice, wouldn't you want to hammer her."

And we received medication ads from "West Q. Menstruate," "Damocles A.
Fornicate" and "Bowels C. Polytheist."