February 27, 2005: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines:
KILLER METEOR HEADS FOR U.S.
[courtesy the Sun]
Study shows nurses smarter than doctors
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Sonny Bono was murdered!
Tree suspected
[courtesy National Examiner]
OSAMA DEAD!
Secret CIA photo shows terrorist on a slab
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Dumb news from Indiana:
Natty Bumppo, author of
The Columbus Book of Euchre, ad-
mitted that he has never played a game of euchre in
Columbus,
Indiana (or in Columbus, Ohio, or Columbus, Georgia, either,
for
that matter).
[
courtesy Borf Books]
Dummer news from Massachusetts:
Trustees decided to rename the Dummer Academy (founded
before the Revolution and named for Governor William Dum-
mer). A new name has not been chosen.
[
courtesy
Boston Globe]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
[There's too much for succinct review this week: The
legislature
is in session.]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
A team of 13 doctors removed a second "parasitic" head from a
baby girl in Egypt. . . . Two paintings of dogs playing
poker sold
for $590,000. . . . Americans rated Ronald Reagan the
greatest
President in a Gallup poll. . . . Kraft stopped production
of Trolli
Road Kill Gummi Candy, which comes in shapes of flattened
squir-
rels, snakes and chickens with tire treads (PETA and the
SPCA
were not amused). . . . Professional golf's
Eureopean tour
includes
tournaments in Australia, Beijing, California (2), Dubai,
Georgia (U.-
S.A.), Hainan, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Malaysia, New Jersey, New
Zealand, North Carolina, Ohio, Qatar, Shanghai (2), Singapore,
and
South Africa (2). . . . A Wisconsin man was charged with
humping
heifers (take that, you Southern redneck baiters!). . . .Georgia's
Sen-
ate elected the tree frog state amphibian.
[
courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]
Spammer of the week:
We received an e-mail from "Pyre J. Sincerest"
titled
"Adieu" (we should
be so lucky).
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Natty Bumppo and
Karen Crockett.
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as
a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
February 20, 2005: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines – and article synopses and ex-
cerpts!
This week's news was so fascinating we just couldn't quit
reading:
THE NO-NOOKIE GALS!
Web site exposes
wives who won't
Attention all you wives who regularly "just say no" to
your
husbands'
requests for sex: Look for your names
and photos to appear on
a
popular new internet site –
FrigidBitches.com! "Let's face
it," said
site creator Daryl
Tibidoe, "wives have all the sexual power in
a marital rela-
tionship. We want to give some of that power back . .
. ."
[courtesy Weekly World News]
PARIS HILTON BOUNCED
FROM HOLLYWOOD CLUB
Behaving arrogantly even by her standards, heir-head
Paris
Hilton arrived at Club Concorde, barged in with
her posse
past the VIP line, bossed servers around, de-
manded free
drinks, and ordered paying customers to
vacate their booths
to make room for her gang! Boun-
cers got in her pouty face
and snarled, "Get out and
STAY out!" . . . Your fame clock
is at 13 minutes and
ticking, Paris! Even your TV sidekick
Nicole Richie
was heard to snicker, "Oh, BEHAVE!" . . .
[courtesy
National Enquirer]
HOT NAMES MAKE
WOMEN SEXIER
A new study reveals that the sexier a woman's name,
the hotter
she's
likely to be. That's the claim of Adonis
Studly, executive
director of
the Marilyn Institute. "Names
mean a lot," says Studly, who was
born
Bernard Freeb.
"If you have a sexy sounding name like Britney,
Kimmi, or
Jasmine, guys immediately think you're better in bed
than
if you
go through life being called Gertrude, Miriam, or
Hilda. . . ."
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Master cryptologist Pete Falcon wrote Mon 13 Feb 05 @00:01:29 CST
re "spammers of the week":
Are you sure that Nicholas Kenny and Prosecute G. Carolina are not
really Kenny G. trying to infiltrate the
system?
Come to think of it,
there was a funny, tinny, reedy sound
coming
from one of our speak-
ers as we deleted those e-mails.
Thanks for
writing.
– Ed.
Dumb news from Indiana (and mainly from northern Indiana):
A 79-year-old South Bend woman was charged with battery
(
yuk! yuk! "
Charged with
battery!") for caning two police-
men who came to her apartment to investigate an abuse report
against her 57-year-old caretaker. . . . A 91-year-old Crown
Point man went shopping and wound up in a private driveway
in Goose Lake, Iowa. . . . A heart-shaped metallic Valentine's
Day balloon drifted into an electricity substation in
Mishawaka
and cut power to more than 2,100 homes and businesses. . . .
Police were getting live feeds from security cameras at
Valparai-
so High School, where several students were injured last fall in
a
machete attack by a fellow student. . . . Daylight saving time
has
become a partisan
issue in the General Assembly
(Republi-
cans
are f'r it; Democrats, ag'in' it). . . . Pitch-in suppers were
found to
be
against the law.
[
courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A Kentucky congressman for whom the Daniel Boone Park-
way was renamed two years ago supported a proposal to re-
name another highway for Daniel Boone.
[courtesy
Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Michael Jackson listed 370 defense witnesses including Kobe
Bryant, Quincy Jones, Larry King, Diana Ross, Elizabeth Tay-
lor, Stevie Wonder, Ed Bradley, and Deepak Chopra. . . .
Britney Spears said her chihuahuas are cuter than Paris Hilton's
(she actually said that). . . . Hip-hopper Missy Elliott was
sued
by the Queen of Denmark for appropriating the royal crest. . . .
Israel developed a bomb that stinks for five years. . . . A
Nor-
wegian study found that lobsters probably do not feel pain. . .
.
A Swedish woman found a "medium-sized" penis in a bottle of
ketchup. . . . Bill Clinton won a Grammy.
[
courtesy NY Times, Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]
Quotation of the week:
"They let us know there are other things to do during winter,
like skiing."
– Wilma
Bain, Calgary hockey fan
Spammer of the week:
We received e-mail from "Natalie Tatum's" brother "Teddy.
"
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Daryl Tibidoe, A-
donis Studly, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Missy Elliott, Bill Clin-
ton, Wilma Bain, and Natalie and Teddy Tatum. In that order.
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as
a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
February 13, 2005: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines:
BRIDE BURSTS INTO FLAMES:
She said, 'I do,' then WHOOSH
[courtesy Weekly World News]
BUSH CHANGING NAME TO 'GOD'
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 06 Feb 2005 @09:19:36 PST re
"John
Kerry blamed Osama bin Laden for his election loss . . . ":
Shouldn't the Kerry item be labeled "Dumb News from
Massachusetts"?
Dumb news from Indiana:
Family and friends of a slain 10-year-old Crothersville girl
initiated
a fund to buy an apartment complex to tear it down
and replace
it
with a park. A man arrested in the girl's death
(by drowning)
said
she knew about methamphetamine manu-
facture in the apartments
(she had gone there to let him know
that his dog had been killed
on
a nearby railroad track).
[
courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal, New York
Times]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
A 4-year-old
Michigan boy
drove his mom's car to a video store
a quarter-mile away and back home and had only three
collisions
(including one with a police car). . . . A Miller Brewing
employee
in
Wisconsin was fired after he appeared in a photo in the local
paper
drinking a Bud Light. . . . A 16-year-old Idaho girl with a
Mohawk
haircut was scalped by a woman member of a punk
gang (she
lived).
. . . The Virginia House of Delegates passed a
bill to outlaw
droopy
trousers (a Senate committee killed the bill
as teen-agers
applauded).
. . . A Michigan man was fined for
throwing an Egg McMuffin
at a
McDonald's manager because it
contained sausage instead of
ham.
. . . Saddam Hussein declined
to vote in the Iraqi election. . .
. Mexico published a
survival guide
for illegal U.S. immigrants. . . .
Scientists found that overweight
people have a biological need to
sit.
[
courtesy Courier-Journal, NY Times, Harper's Weekly]
Spammers of the week:
We received an e-mail from "Mrs Caudill"
titled "be my valentine."
We received an e-mail from "Natalie Tatum"
titled "pictures."
We received an e-mail
from "Tameka Crosby"
titled "Re: Nicholas Kenny."
We received an e-mail from "cum-
_drip" titled
"releases every bit of his load inside her."
We received an e-mail from
"Prosecute G. Carolina"
titled "Well well well!"
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as
a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Mrs Caudill, Nat-
alie Tatum, Tameka Crosby, Nicholas Kenny, Prosecute G. Ca-
rolina, and – Nah! We censored that one.
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
February 6, 2005: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:
DR. PHIL CAUGHT IN
CHILD ABUSE SCANDAL
Strip searches and beatings part of
'tough love' at school he recommends
[courtesy National Enquirer]
MARIAN McPARTLAND DISSES SONG
'Piano Jazz' maven hears
standard she 'can't stand'
[courtesy Strange Times]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 30 Jan 2005
@09:26:17 PST re
last week's headline "Anti-Christ Will Run For President":
But I thought we had already elected the Anti-Christ.
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A man who beat a homosexual to death, stuffed his body into
a suitcase, and threw the suitcase into a lake – and admitted
it
– was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter, and will
be
eli-
gible for parole in 2½ years. Relying on a statute
allowing
the
use of deadly force in defense against a sexual attack,
he
testi-
fied that the victim had made an advance on him.
[courtesy Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
John Kerry blamed Osama bin Laden for his election loss to Pres-
ident Bush. . . . J.P. Morgan was revealed to be a major slave
tra-
der. . . . North Korean TV told men not to let their hair grow
lon-
ger than 2 inches. . . . U.S. TV and radio broadcast, "Civil
author-
ities have issued an immediate evacuation order for all of
Connect-
icut beginning at 2:10 p.m. and ending at 3:10 p.m." (not
everyone
left the state). . . . Fidel Castro said that while the U.S.
fights tyran-
ny, Cuba will fight empire. ... A 19-year-old with Down
syndrome
blew himself up at the polls in Baghdad. . . . President
Bush
said,
"Two of the great ironies of history is there will be a
Palestinian
state and a democratic Iraq." . . . A Marine general told a
forum,
"It's fun to shoot some people." . . . Swaziland's King Mswati
took
his 13th wife and sent her to South Africa for an AIDS test. .
. . A
73-year-old
Ohio woman was jailed for a week for disobeying a
court order not to feed pigons.
[
courtesy New York Times, Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]
Spammer of the week:
We received an e- mail titled "ÀŒýÿ ™‚5˜b'Y*Q…_" from
<¶PÄ_ªÜ5§éÅåÃz¢:ô@imr10.netsolmail.com@omr3.netsolmail.com><mailto:%B6P%C4_%A
A%DC5%A7%E9%C5%E5%C3z%A2:%F4@imr10.netsolmail.com@omr3
.netsolmail.com>.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Marian McPartland
and Marine Lt. Gen. James Mattis.
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as
a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett