February 27, 2005:     Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines:


KILLER METEOR HEADS FOR U.S.

                                                                                                    [courtesy the Sun]


Study shows nurses smarter than doctors

                                                                [courtesy Weekly World News]


Sonny Bono was murdered!
                Tree suspected

                                                [courtesy National Examiner]


OSAMA  DEAD!
 Secret CIA photo shows terrorist on a slab

                                     [courtesy Weekly World News]


Dumb news from Indiana:

Natty Bumppo, author of The Columbus Book of Euchre, ad-
mitted that he has never played a game of euchre  in Columbus,
Indiana  (or in Columbus, Ohio,  or Columbus, Georgia, either,
for that matter).
                                                            [courtesy Borf Books]

Dummer news from Massachusetts:

Trustees decided to rename the Dummer Academy  (founded
before the Revolution and named for Governor William Dum-
mer).  A new name has not been chosen.

                                                      [courtesy Boston Globe]


Dumb news from Kentucky:

[There's too much for succinct review this week:  The legislature
 is in session.]


Borf's Weekly BONUS:

A team of 13 doctors removed a  second  "parasitic"  head  from a
baby girl in Egypt.  .  .  .  Two paintings of dogs playing poker sold
for  $590,000.  .  .  .  Americans rated Ronald Reagan the greatest
President in a Gallup poll.  .  .  .  Kraft stopped production of Trolli
Road Kill Gummi Candy,  which comes in shapes of flattened squir-
rels,  snakes and chickens  with tire treads  (PETA  and  the  SPCA
were not amused). .  .  .  Professional golf's Eureopean tour includes
tournaments in Australia, Beijing, California (2), Dubai, Georgia (U.-
S.A.), Hainan, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Malaysia, New Jersey, New
Zealand, North Carolina, Ohio, Qatar, Shanghai (2), Singapore, and
South Africa (2).  .  .  . A Wisconsin man was charged with humping
heifers (take that, you Southern redneck baiters!). . . .Georgia's Sen-
ate elected the tree frog state amphibian.

                                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Spammer of the week: We received an e-mail from "Pyre J. Sincerest"
        titled "Adieu" (we should be so lucky).


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend  the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Natty Bumppo and
Karen Crockett.


GIFT IDEA: Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as
a gift! It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the recipient (don't use "bcc").


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




February 20, 2005:     Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines – and article synopses and ex-
cerpts!    This week's news was so fascinating we just couldn't quit
reading:


THE  NO-NOOKIE  GALS!
      Web site exposes
      wives who won't


    Attention all you wives who regularly  "just  say  no"  to
your husbands' requests for sex:    Look  for  your  names
and photos to appear on  a  popular  new  internet  site –
FrigidBitches.com!  "Let's face it,"  said site creator Daryl
Tibidoe, "wives have all the sexual power in a marital rela-
tionship. We want to give some of that power back . . . ."

                                       [courtesy Weekly World News]


PARIS HILTON  BOUNCED
FROM HOLLYWOOD CLUB


    Behaving arrogantly even by her standards, heir-head
Paris Hilton arrived at Club Concorde,  barged  in  with
her posse past the VIP line, bossed servers around, de-
manded free drinks,  and ordered paying customers  to
vacate their booths to make room for her gang!  Boun-
cers got in her pouty face  and  snarled,  "Get  out  and
STAY out!" . . .  Your fame clock is at 13 minutes and
ticking,  Paris!  Even your  TV  sidekick  Nicole Richie
was heard to snicker,  "Oh, BEHAVE!" . . .

                                     [courtesy National Enquirer]


HOT NAMES MAKE
WOMEN SEXIER


    A new study reveals that the  sexier  a  woman's  name,
the hotter she's likely to be.   That's  the  claim  of  Adonis
Studly, executive director of the Marilyn Institute. "Names
mean a lot,"  says Studly,  who was born  Bernard  Freeb.
"If you have a sexy sounding name like Britney, Kimmi, or
Jasmine,  guys immediately think you're better in bed  than
if you go through life  being  called  Gertrude,  Miriam,  or
Hilda. . . ."
                                      [courtesy Weekly World News]


LETTERS to the EDITOR!

Master cryptologist Pete Falcon wrote Mon 13 Feb 05 @00:01:29 CST
re "spammers of the week":

Are you sure that Nicholas Kenny and Prosecute G. Carolina are not
really Kenny G. trying to infiltrate the system?  Come  to  think  of  it,
there was a funny, tinny, reedy sound coming from one of our speak-
ers as we deleted those e-mails.

Thanks for writing. – Ed.


Dumb news from Indiana (and mainly from northern Indiana):

A 79-year-old South Bend woman was charged  with  battery
(yuk! yuk!  "Charged  with  battery!")  for caning two police-
men who came to her apartment to investigate an abuse report
against her 57-year-old caretaker.  . . .  A 91-year-old Crown
Point man went shopping  and wound up in a private driveway
in Goose Lake,  Iowa. . . . A heart-shaped metallic Valentine's
Day balloon drifted into an electricity substation in Mishawaka
and cut power to more than 2,100 homes and businesses.  . . .
Police were getting live feeds from security cameras at Valparai-
so High School,  where several students were injured last fall  in
a machete attack by a fellow student. .  .  .  Daylight saving time
has become a partisan issue in the General Assembly  (Republi-
cans are f'r it; Democrats, ag'in' it). .  .  .  Pitch-in suppers were
found to be against the law.

                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Dumb news from Kentucky:

A Kentucky congressman  for whom the Daniel Boone Park-
way was renamed two years ago supported a proposal to re-
name another highway for Daniel Boone.

                                                 [courtesy Courier-Journal]


Borf's Weekly BONUS:

Michael Jackson listed 370 defense witnesses including Kobe
Bryant, Quincy Jones, Larry King, Diana Ross, Elizabeth Tay-
lor,  Stevie Wonder,  Ed Bradley,  and Deepak Chopra. .  .  .
Britney Spears said her chihuahuas are cuter than Paris Hilton's
(she actually said that). . . .  Hip-hopper Missy Elliott was sued
by the Queen of Denmark for appropriating the royal crest. . . .
Israel developed a bomb that stinks for five years. . . .  A Nor-
wegian study found that lobsters probably do not feel pain. . . .
A Swedish woman found a "medium-sized" penis in a bottle of
ketchup. . . . Bill Clinton won a Grammy.

       [courtesy NY Times, Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Quotation of the week:

"They let us know there are other things to do during winter, like skiing."
                                                                                                                – Wilma Bain, Calgary hockey fan


Spammer of the week: We received e-mail from "Natalie Tatum's" brother "Teddy. "


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend  the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Daryl Tibidoe,  A-
donis Studly, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Missy Elliott, Bill Clin-
ton, Wilma Bain, and Natalie and Teddy Tatum.  In that order.


GIFT IDEA: Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as
a gift! It's free!  Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the recipient (don't use "bcc").


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




February 13, 2005:     Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket – this week's headlines:


BRIDE  BURSTS  INTO  FLAMES:
She said, 'I do,' then  WHOOSH


                                         [courtesy Weekly World News]


BUSH CHANGING NAME TO 'GOD'

[courtesy Weekly World News]


LETTERS to the EDITOR!

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 06 Feb 2005 @09:19:36 PST re
"John Kerry blamed Osama bin Laden for his election loss . . . ":

Shouldn't the Kerry item be labeled "Dumb News from Massachusetts"?


Dumb news from Indiana:

Family  and  friends  of  a  slain 10-year-old Crothersville girl
initiated a fund  to  buy an apartment complex to tear it down
and replace it with a park.   A man arrested in the girl's death
(by drowning)  said she knew about methamphetamine manu-
facture in the apartments (she had gone there to let him know
that his dog had been killed on a nearby railroad track).

     [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal, New York Times]


Borf's Weekly BONUS:

A 4-year-old Michigan boy drove his mom's car to a video store
a quarter-mile away and back home and had only three collisions
(including one with a police car). . . .  A Miller Brewing employee
in Wisconsin was fired after he appeared  in  a  photo  in the local
paper drinking a Bud Light. .  .  .  A 16-year-old Idaho girl with a
Mohawk  haircut  was  scalped  by a woman member  of  a  punk
gang  (she  lived). .  .  .  The Virginia House of Delegates passed a
bill to  outlaw  droopy  trousers  (a Senate committee killed the bill
as teen-agers applauded).  .  .  .  A  Michigan  man  was  fined  for
throwing an Egg McMuffin  at  a McDonald's manager  because  it
contained sausage instead of ham.  .  .  .  Saddam Hussein declined
to vote in the Iraqi election. .  .  . Mexico published a survival guide
for illegal U.S. immigrants.  .  .  .  Scientists  found  that  overweight
people have a biological need to sit.

             [courtesy Courier-Journal, NY Times, Harper's Weekly]


Spammers of the week:  We received an e-mail from "Mrs Caudill" titled "be my valentine."
        We received an e-mail from "Natalie Tatum" titled "pictures."  We received an e-mail
        from "Tameka Crosby" titled "Re: Nicholas Kenny." We received an e-mail from "cum-
        _drip"  titled  "releases every bit of his load inside her."  We  received  an  e-mail  from
        "Prosecute G. Carolina" titled "Well well well!"


GIFT IDEA: Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as
a gift! It's free!  Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the recipient (don't use "bcc").


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend  the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Mrs Caudill,  Nat-
alie Tatum, Tameka Crosby, Nicholas Kenny, Prosecute G. Ca-
rolina, and – Nah!  We censored that one.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




February 6, 2005:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:


DR. PHIL CAUGHT IN
CHILD ABUSE SCANDAL
     Strip searches and beatings part of
   'tough love' at school he recommends


                    [courtesy National Enquirer]


MARIAN  McPARTLAND  DISSES  SONG
'Piano Jazz' maven hears standard she 'can't stand'


                                                                                                             [courtesy Strange Times]


LETTERS to the EDITOR!

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 30 Jan 2005 @09:26:17 PST re
last week's headline "Anti-Christ Will Run For President":

But I thought we had already elected the Anti-Christ.


Dumb news from Kentucky:

A man who beat a homosexual to death,  stuffed his body into
a suitcase, and threw the suitcase into a lake – and admitted it
– was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter, and will be eli-
gible for parole in 2 years.  Relying on a statute allowing the
use of deadly force in defense against a sexual attack, he testi-
fied that the victim had made an advance on him.

                                 [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Borf's Weekly BONUS:

John Kerry blamed Osama bin Laden for his election loss to Pres-
ident Bush. . . . J.P. Morgan was revealed to be a major slave tra-
der. . . . North Korean TV told men not to let their hair grow lon-
ger than 2 inches. . . . U.S. TV and radio broadcast, "Civil author-
ities have issued an immediate evacuation order for all of Connect-
icut beginning at 2:10 p.m. and ending at 3:10 p.m." (not everyone
left the state). . . . Fidel Castro said that while the U.S. fights tyran-
ny, Cuba will fight empire. ... A 19-year-old with Down syndrome
blew himself up at the polls in Baghdad. .  .  .  President Bush said,
"Two  of  the  great ironies of history  is  there will be a Palestinian
state and a democratic Iraq."  . . .  A Marine general told a forum,
"It's fun to shoot some people." . . . Swaziland's King Mswati took
his 13th wife and sent her to South Africa for an AIDS test. . . . A
73-year-old Ohio woman was jailed for a week for  disobeying  a
court order not to feed pigons.

[courtesy New York Times, Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Spammer of the week: We received an e- mail titled "Œ ™‚5˜b'Y*Q…_"  from
    <P_5z:@imr10.netsolmail.com@omr3.netsolmail.com><mailto:%B6P%C4_%A
    A%DC5%A7%E9%C5%E5%C3z%A2:%F4@imr10.netsolmail.com@omr3 .netsolmail.com>.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend  the  Weekly  World
News Round Table  at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Marian McPartland
and Marine Lt. Gen. James Mattis.


GIFT IDEA: Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as
a gift! It's free!  Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the recipient (don't use "bcc").

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor