After 10 years and millions of dollars, Canadian scientists claim to have
    developed a new cuss word that is the mother of all profanity.   The word
    is so horrible, Weekly World News has chosen not to print it. . . .

Dick Freeman wrote:

Mike Davis will remain as coach of the Indiana University basketball
team.
                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The Senate subpoenaed Terri Schiavo. .  .  .  A hospice worker said
she could not discuss Schiavo's condition for reasons of privacy. . . .
Connecticut  Congressman  Christopher  Shays,  a Republican,  said,
"My party is demonstrating that they are for states’ rights  unless  they
don’t like what states are doing.   The Party of Lincoln has become a
party of theocracy." . . . Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee said, "I
don't think we can have 50 different definitions of life."  . . .  President
Bush  said,   "The legislative branch, the executive branch ought to err
on the side of life, which we have." . . .Schiavo's husband called Con-
gressman Tom DeLay  a "little slithering snake.". . . A woman in India
committed  suicide  for her two blind sons each to get one of her eyes
(doctors said such transplants probably would not work).  . . . A heat
wave interrupted a snow festival in Greenland. . . .  Austrian research-
ers were using human corpses to test crash test dummies.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 13 Mar 2005 @12:32:48 PST:

Semen-frosted brownies?  What will they think of next?

Yeah,  we've "come" a long way from marijuana-laced brown-
ies.  My first thought was that this item was too disgusting even
for Tabloid Headlines, but then I saw the item about the North
Carolina dentist and realized there was a news trend too impor-
tant to ignore. – Ed.

An emu captured after months of roaming the countryside
around Martinsville escaped two days later.

A man exiled from Vermont to Kentucky for cruelty to goats
reached the end of the line in West Virginia after  fleeing  first
again  to  Ohio  (where a dead goat was found in his freezer).
Count 'em:  Four-state goat run. . . .

Players on line were outsourcing hard parts of video games to Roma-
nia. . . . A12-year-old British boy who raped his special-needs teach-
er got an indeterminate prison sentence. . . . A Milwaukee firm makes
bowling balls scented cherry, chocolate, and licorice (among other fla-
vors).  .  .  .  A woman's head was found in a bowling ball bag in New
Jersey. . . . A definition of "wedgie" as "a prank in which a victim's un-
derpants are jerked upward so as to become wedged between the but-
tocks" was added toWebster's New World College Dictionary. . . . A
40-pound Florida girl, 5,  was arrested,  handcuffed,  and stuffed into a
police car after a temper tantrum in a jelly bean counting exercise in kin-
dergarten. .  .  . Rap star Lil' Kim,  who apparently does not know how
to spell Li'l (unless Lil' is short for Lily, which we doubt),  was convicted
of  perjury.  . . .  Former baseball star Jose Canseco, who has been pro-
moting his book on steroid use, told Congress, "I cannot be candid. . . ."

   [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal, St. Petersburg Times]

Anthony.Dean@motorola.com wrote Tue 8 Mar 2005 @09:43:50 CST:
"Is one of you on vacation?  It seems like the chatter has died out."

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sat 12 Mar 2005 @09:09:08 PST: "Since e-
mail has been a little slow lately, I thought I'd solicit your reactions . . . ."

      Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the  Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Jose Canseco and
li'l Lil' Kim.

      Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a  gift!
It's free!  Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to the
recipient (don't use "bcc").

An 18-year-old Winchester student has been in jail since Feb-
ruary for writing a story  about a violent zombie takeover of a
high school,  which his grandmother found and reported.  .  .  .
The Brownsville city council decided the city park was not big
enough for a frisbee course.

[courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader, Edmonson News]

Two community colleges cut off  a  student  exchange  program
with Spain after Spain pulled out of Iraq. . . . Two chimpanzees
at an animal sanctuary bit off a man's fingers, gouged out his eye,
ripped off his nose, hacked off his foot, shredded his lips, mutila-
ted his buttocks, tore off his testicles, and bit off his wife's thumb.

                                                        [courtesy Harpers Weekly]

The State Department  released a report criticizing other countries
for torture.  . . . China condemned the United States' human rights
record. . . .  Darryl Strawberry said players who use steroids lack
discipline. . . . Scientists found that a man's boisterousness reflects
whether his index finger is short compared to his ring finger. . . . A
toddler lost in the Alabama woods was rescued by a three-legged
dog. . . .  Prosecutors in Arkansas subpoenaed a dog to a murder
trial.  .  .  .  A dentist in North Carolina was charged with squirting
semen into women's mouths with a syringe. ... A 17-year-old Ida-
ho boy admitted sending semen-frosted brownies  to a fellow stu-
dent.
                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]

Darcy Stewart wrote Sun 27 Feb 2005 @20:36:44 CST:

But doesn't the use of the present tense in the Sun headline
indicate that the "when" is now?  The Sun has been report-
ing for several years that the "End Times" have begun. The
question,  it seems to us,  is how long  "now"  is.  Oops!  I
guess that's your question,  isn't it?  Ha, ha! – Ed.

Democrats used a parliamentary trick to derail daylight saving
time in the General Assembly.

                                  [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Tom Ridge went from CEO of Homeland Security to the board
of Home Depot.  .  .  . Halle Berry,  whose role in "Catwoman"
won her a "Razzie"  for worst actress in 2004,  said,  "I want to
thank Warner Brothers  for  casting  me  in  this  piece  of  shit"
(George  W.  Bush  won worst actor for his role in "Fahrenheit
9/11"). .  .  .  People for Eating Tasty Animals (PETA) offered
$14.98 a pound  for a100-year-old,  22-pound  lobster.  .  .  .
Convicted cannibal Arthur Shawcross was writing a cookbook.
... The New York Times expressed editorial concern about the
obesity of National Football League players. . . . NCAA "aca-
demic  progress  reports"  indicated that basketball players are
dumber than football players. . . . A 4-foot-tall Virginia boy, 8,
was arrested by police for throwing a tantrum at his school and
taken away in handcuffs (he was not "Tasered"). . . .China was
considering a law banning lip-synching.

                           [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]