April 24, 2005:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket  – this week's headlines:


'EGGS BENEDICT' ORDERS
 ON RAPID RISE IN ROME


                                            [courtesy Strange Times]


Too late, W, sorry . . .
    BUSH PUSHED FOR POPE



                                                  [courtesy Weekly World News]


TERRORIST HIJACKS UFO
       to dive-bomb White House

                              [courtesy Weekly World News]


LETTERS to the EDITOR!

Anthony K. Dean,  Ph.D. in mathematics and known
as "Dr. Math" around the Motorola plant in northeas-
tern Illinois,  where  he  tells  engineers when to jump,
and  how high,  has finally responded to our query re-
garding the difference between 4 and 42  insofar as it
may be the answer to the question  of  the meaning of
life  and the universe  and all that.  "Dr.  Math"  wrote
Mon 18 Apr 2005 @10:38:10 CDT:

I think it's 38.

Gerry Blue wrote Sun 17 Apr 2005 @08:32:42 PDT re
last week's item announcing that  Ann  Coulter  will soon
appear at the Weekly World News Round Table:

Who's bringing the pies?


Carrie Foster, I think.

Be careful, though; it cuts both ways:  A tobacco-chewing
Vietnam veteran spat in Jane Fonda's face  at a book sign-
ing in Kansas City last week. – Ed.


Dumb news from Indiana:

The Vanderburgh County Sheriff's Department, in Evansville,
is investigating the shooting of Kitty Kitty,  an  adopted  stray
cat  who returned home with an arrow in her back after being
missing for a week    Donors raised  $1,750  for a reward for
information leading to an arrest.

                                           [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Dumb news from Kentucky:

A tight end on the Pikeville College football team is on the regis-
tered sex offender list.
                                                               [courtesy Courier-Journal]


Borf's Weekly  BONUS:

Gary Kasparov, who quit chess for politics a month ago, was hit
over the head with  a  chessboard  he had just autographed for a
fan in Moscow.  . . .  KFC opened a new restaurant in Louisville
called Kentucky Fried Chicken  (with a picture of Colonel Sand-
ers, and "finger lickin' good!" printed on the wall). . . .  Zookeep-
ers  in  Johannesburg  were trying to get a chimp to quit smoking.
.  .  .  A Christian radio talk show host was fired for wondering if
the late Pope would go to Heaven. .  .  . A London grandmother
coldcocked a burglar with a garden gnome. . .  .Three newly dis-
covered species of slime mold beetle were named for George W.
Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld.  . . . Justice Scalia re-
fused to say whether he sodomized his wife.  . . . Jenna Bush got
on all fours and did the butt dance. . . .Blue jeans were selling for
as much as $625 a pair in New York. . . . A drunken Welshman
stood in an open window, dropped his trousers,  cried out  "Who
wants some of this?" and then fell from the window, impaling him-
self on a railing, and died.

                                     [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Spammer of the week:

"Julia" sent us four e-mails in three hours titled "Hello my friend."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

       Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the  Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Upcoming events
include  a  forum on the meaning of life and the universe  featuring
Bruce Mitchell,  Ben Hibben,  Gerry (GB42) Blue,  Carrie Foster
and  Dr. Math.
 

GIFT IDEA:

     Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a gift!
It's free!  Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to the
recipient (don't use "bcc").


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" - Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




April 17, 2005
:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in  the  supermarket  – this week's headlines:


Johnnie Cochran deathbed shocker:
 'O. J. CONFESSED!'
                                        [courtesy the Globe]


Ordinance would make 'born again'
Christians
get new birth certificates

                                [courtesy Weekly World News]


JOAN KENNEDY FOUND IN GUTTER

                                                          [courtesy the Globe]


LETTERS to the EDITOR!

Bruce Mitchell had a lot to say about last week's issue!  He wrote Sun
10 Apr 2005 @10:36:10 PDT and at various other times and dates:

The  CORRECT  answer  given to the meaning of life,  the  universe,
and everything is 42"?  I breathe a sigh of relief that this rather gentle,
"most scathing" letter leaves me relatively unscathed, and only proves
my point.  Nothing like getting bogged down in irrelevant detail. BFD.
The actual number is irrelevant.

A depiction of  Jesus on a Coca-Cola ad with the words  'This is my
blood' got a Russian artist and museum director fined for blasphemy"?
Considering that the  traditional  role  of  Jesus  as promulgated by the
church consists largely of his absorbing the sins of the world, the artist
got it right.  He should be honored,  along with  Andres  Serrano  (for
"Piss Christ"  and works showing Jesus taking the needle for drug ad-
dicts).

The gay Episcopal bishop Gene Robinson remarked at a forum that Je-
sus "lived a very untraditional lifestyle" and was accused of "proclaiming
that Jesus was homosexual"?  I think he got it right.  Who else would all
the time hang out with 12 guys and a prostitute? (forgetting for a moment
that the much-believed role of Mary Magdalene as prostitute  has no ba-
sis in the Bible).   "Come, let me make you a fisher of men"???  Please.

Thank you, as always, Mr. Mitchell, for writing!  But we here at Tabloid Headlines
still think there is a huge difference between 4 and 42 –  and I was a math major in
college before I flunked diffi-Q. But, just to make sure, I'll pose the question to my
little brother, "Dr. Math," who made it all the way to Ph.D. – Ed.


Dumb news from Indiana:

William Kristol was pied at Earlham College.  David Horowitz was pied
at Butler University.      Pat Buchanan was doused with salad dressing at
Western Michigan University  (well,  that's almost Indiana.  Pie-throwers
missed Ann Coulter in a crossfire last fall at the University of Arizona).

                                                            [courtesy http//www.Missoulian.com]


Dumb news from India:

More than 65 Hindu bathers drowned in the Narmada River after a dam
was opened upstream.
                                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


More dumb news from Indiana:

A cocaine conviction was reversed because Indianapolis  police  allowed
the defendant's strip search to be filmed by the  Oxygen  network  for the
TV  show  Women and the Badge  (a lady cop  was  on the arrest team).
Police found cocaine stuffed between the man's buttocks, and the camera
zoomed in on his  bare  ass  for several seconds while he was bent over in
handcuffs with his pants down.
                                                                              [courtesy Courier-Journal]


Dumb news from Kentucky:

A man and wife on an ATV were gunned down by another man on an ATV
on a popular mountain trail.
                                                                                 [courtesy Courier-Journal]


Borf's Weekly  BONUS:

A  911 dispatcher in Texas  asked a woman who called for help with
her unruly 12-year-old daughter,  "Do you want us to come over and
shoot her?"  . . .  A man was arrested for passing $2 bills at Best Buy.
. . .Construction was about to begin on Dickens World, a theme park
east of London that will offer an Ebenezer Scrooge ride  (a New York
Times editorial called it the Old Curiosity Mall). . . . Fans booed a mo-
ment of silence for the Pope at a soccer match in Scotland.  . . .  A de-
fensive tackle died of a spinal cord injury in an Arena Football League
game that ended 66-35. . . . A New Jersey teen-ager was arrested for
stealing a head from a corpse to make a bong out of it.  .  .  .  Police in
Georgia killed a man with a beanbag gun. . . . Paris Hilton was looking
for a new sidekick on her reality TV show. . . . Anna Nicole Smith was
hired as a columnist by the National Enquirer. . . . The Pope was repor-
ted still to be dead.
                                              [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Spammer of the week:

"Borf Books" sent us an e-mail titled "Tabloid Headlines."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

       Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the  Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include  Ann  Coulter  and
Joan Kennedy.
 

GIFT IDEA:

      Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a gift!
It's free!  Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to the
recipient (don't use "bcc").


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks,  and without
that redundant  "Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!   ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.   We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" - Karen Crockett


Unlikely lookalikes in the news:

John R. Bolton, Bush nominee, Edwin F. Kagin, Atheist of the Year
John R. Bolton, Bush nominee, Edwin F. Kagin, Atheist of the Year


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




April 10, 2005
:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in  the  supermarket  – this week's headlines:


DOG SHOW WINNER IS
BUSTED FOR STEROIDS

          [courtesy Weekly World News]


CHELSEA BOOZING AGAIN

                                                       [courtesy the Globe]


Gay man climbs Everest
 – in mink and high heels

                                  [courtesy Weekly World News]


Camilla's fury!
  Charles invites four old
  flames
to royal wedding

                                         [courtesy the Globe]


DINOSAUR FOUND ALIVE
     Destroys drug king's plane in Amazon

                               [courtesy Weekly World News]


Mom & Dad are porn stars!
Horrified teen discovers downloading skin flick

                                                        [courtesy Weekly World News]


LETTERS to the EDITOR!

Gerry Blue <gblue42@yahoo.com>, Carrie Foster and "Blenster"
all wrote to correct Bruce Mitchell,  who wrote last week that the
answer to the meaning of life is  "four"  (apparently  it's  42).   The
longest letter, and most scathing (that's important to us), was from
"Blenster," who wrote Sun 3 Apr 2005 @10:51:15 EDT:

To the editor, who doubtless does not care:

The  CORRECT  answer  given to the meaning of life,  the
universe,  and everything  is  42.  It is then revealed that the
question itself is more complex  and needs to be sought out.
Quite a clever book,  really.   This  frood  knows where his
towel's at!


Dumb news from Indiana:

The "village idiot" was elected this week in an annual contest in Story,
Ind. (Brown County).
                                                      [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Borf's Weekly  BONUS:

A depiction of  Jesus on a Coca-Cola ad with the words  "This is my
blood"  got a Russian artist and museum director fined for blasphemy.
.  .  .  The gay Episcopal bishop Gene Robinson remarked at a forum
that Jesus "lived a very untraditional lifestyle" and was accused of pro-
claiming that Jesus was homosexual. . . . Turkeys were terrorizing chil-
dren in Indiana, Michigan and Wisconsin. . . . The Boy Scouts' Youth
Protection Task Force chairman pleaded guilty to distribution of child
pornography on the internet. . . . A man delivering Chinese meals sur-
vived  four  days  stuck in a Bronx elevator (who says Chinese leaves
you hungry again in a half-hour?). . . . Senator Cornyn said that recent
judicial  murders  are  understandable.  Senator  Frist  disagreed  with
Congressman DeLay that judicial independence needs to be re-exam-
ined, and even President Bush said an independent judiciary is needed.
. . . Hunter S. Thompson's ashes will be shot from a cannon in August.
.  .  .  A convicted murderer  and  an Oklahoma deputy warden's wife,
missing for 11 years,  were found living together in Texas  (the woman
said she was held captive the whole time).  . . .  The National Enquirer
hired a new editor-in-chief  (Paul  Field – a British tabloid veteran,  of
course). . . . The BBC requested an interview with Bob Marley.

                                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Spammer of the week:

Preston Scott <udcdjadmaic@springind.com> sent us an e-
mail titled "Got a crooked nose? New technique may help."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

       Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the  Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Paul Field and Bob
Marley.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks,  and without
that redundant  "Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!   ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.   We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" - Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




April 3, 2005:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


BUSH, CONGRESS
IDLE AS POPE DIES

                                                                         [courtesy Strange Times]


CIA experiment exposed:
 TALKING CAT!
       will spy for U.S. in Iraq

                          [courtesy Weekly World News]


'Big Dig Salapig'
  GIANT NEWT ROAMING NEW BOSTON TUNNEL


                                                                                           [courtesy Strange Times]


Jesus promises:
    'I WILL RETURN ON 9/11 2005'


                                                                                          [courtesy the Sun]


LETTERS to the EDITOR!

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 27 Mar 2005 @13:35:09 PST
in re the headline "Scientists Invent Ultimate Cuss Word":

I expect this word, once revealed, will be, at best, disappointing,
and, at worst, dull.  Rather as in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy when seeking the  answer  to  "the great question of life,
the universe and everything" was assigned to the  most  complex
computer ever devised, created solely for this purpose,  a com-
puter that worked on the question for thousands of years  – and
the answer was: "Four."


Personal editorial:

    We are so proud! Our colleague and personal friend, lawyer
David Broderick,  of Bowling Green, Ky.,  is pictured and fea-
tured in a spread in the April 4 issue of the  National  Examiner
as head of a "dream team" legal defense.


Dumb news from Indiana and Kentucky:

Indiana fell from 43rd to 46th place among the 50 states in percen-
tage of residents with college degrees (21.1). Neither the Indianap-
olis Star
nor the Louisville Courier-Journal listed all the states that
did worse – but Kentucky (21.0) was one of them.   The data are
available from the U.S. Census  Bureau,  and the three states even
dumber than Indiana and Kentucky are (drum roll . . .) Mississippi
(20.1), Arkansas (18.8), and West Virginia (15.3). Alabama (22-
.3) nosed out Louisiana (22.4) for 45th place (6th dumbest). Wy-
oming (22.5: Isn't that where Dicky Cheney is from?) was in 43rd
place (8th dumbest).
                                                         [courtesy all of the above]


Dumber news from Kentucky:

A man and woman in Whitley County were sentenced to a year in
jail for not finishing high school.
                                                        [courtesy Courier-Journal]


Dumbest news from Kentucky:

A Hawesville man carved the initials of a singer he likes (no one you
ever heard of) into his big toenails with a chain saw.

                                              [courtesy Ripley's Believe It or Not]


Smart news from Indiana:

A Warrick County couple painted their quadruplets' toenails different
colors to identify them.
                                                         [courtesy Evansville Courier]


Borf's Weekly BONUS:

The National Rifle Association suggested that school murder ram-
pages could be stopped if teachers armed themselves.  .  .  .  The
Pentagon refused to let a  dead  soldier's  mother  photograph his
casket on its return from Iraq. . . .  It was revealed that Tom De-
Lay took his brain-dead father off life support in 1988, without a
living will. . . .New Yorkers were bothered by subway delays, an-
nounced on old loud speakers with such pronouncements as "La-
dies and gentlemen, because of a brflig fraptail at 116th Street the
uptown 6train will frip deet brak croob.". . . Pro golfer Bob Tway
shot a 12 on the par 3 No. 17 at Sawgrass in Florida. . . .  A 78-
year-old  blind golfer  shot a hole-in-one at the Twin Pines course
in  Iowa.  .  .  .  A San Diego mugger took a handbag full of poop
from a woman walking her dog.  .  .  . "Hanoi Jane" repents on 60
Minutes tonight.
                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly , Courier-Journal]


Spammer of the week:  "Federico N. Quesinberry" sent us an e-mail titled "Whatcha doin?"


GIFT IDEA: Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as
a gift! It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to
the recipient (don't use "bcc").


In memoriam:




Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor