A Huntington woman was caught smuggling cocaine to her jailed
husband in the spine of a Bible.

Brownstown -- Batty Numppo, prominent local gadfly, became the
state's first traffic fatality since enactment of the  "seat  belt  violation
priority"  act,  which allows police to stop motorists  for not wearing
seat belts.  The victim was wearing a seat belt,  but  it  was  not  fas-
tened.
                                                        [courtesy Tabloid Headlines]

"If we start with sheep, then next it's the cows and horses."

-- Bert Kuiper, mayor of Skarsterlan, the Netherlands,
    who levied a fine for placing ads on sheep blankets

Fifteen 7th-graders in North Pole,  Alaska,  were suspended for
a plot to disable their school's power and telephone systems, kill
their classmates, and flee the town.  .  .  .  Firemen in Huntington,
N.Y.,   rescued a 71-year-old man, his son, and a neighbor from
a cesspool. . . . A Florida man was arrested for keeping his dead
mother at home for six months to continue cashing her Social Se-
curity checks.  . . .  An old man in Miami was going door to door
offering free breast exams. . . . Soul singer Mary J. Blige said she
had found a God "who wants me to have things - He wants me to
bling."  . . .  The heads of the police chief and another officer were
found in front of a government building in Acapulco  along  with  a
sign reading "So that you learn respect." . . . 

Bess Dejesus sent us an e-mail titled "bathtub impropriety."

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 16 Apr 2006 @09:41:49 PDT re Cheeta's 74th birthday:

What??  That little devil's the REAL energizer rabbit.  You go, Chimp!!

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 16 Apr 2006 @19:54:39 PDT:

I recommend silicone caulk.

Bob Hill a/k/a a "kurious hoosier" wrote Tues 18 Apr 2006 @07:11:11 EDT:

If you can ever get one of them there ladies from Desperate Housewives
I'm gonna make one of them there roundtable discussions down there...,,.

I'm assuming the table IS actual round?

Actually it's more like oval -- with sharp corners. -- Ed.

A Kissel Motor Car Company parts box will be a featured item in Lanes-
ville  "at another of those auctions where people who have too much stuff
will sell some of it to other people who have too much stuff."

Governor Ernie quit using e-mail in order to avoid being quoted "out of context."

A school principal in Inglewood, California, made children use
buckets  instead  of allowing them to go to the bathroom  in  a
lockdown to prevent their attending an immigrant rally.  . . .  I-
ranis danced in the streets with uranium samples. . . . An Okla-
homan  arrested  for killing a 10-year-old girl said  "I  chopped
her up";  police removed skewers and meat tenderizer from the
man's apartment and said, "This appears to have been part of a
plan to kidnap . . . rape . . . torture . . . kill . . . cut off the head,
drain the blood, rape the corpse,  eat the corpse,  and then dis-
pose of the organs and bones."  .  .  .  Tiger Woods apologized
for calling himself a "spaz." . . .Three 8th-graders were expelled
from school in Bay Minette,  Alabama,  for showing a  skin flick
in the classroom while the teacher's back was turned.

"George Hartley" sent us an e-mail titled "aerosol kidney bean."

Muhammad Ali has sold an 80 per cent stake in his name and likeness
to CKX Inc. -- which already owns a majority of Elvis Presley's estate
-- for $50 million. Ali's remaining 20 per cent share of the business will
be called GOAT, for "Greatest of All Time."

"Civil war has almost started."

-- Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, on the
    slaying of 1,313 Iraqi civilians in March

Louise Lasser, 67
Cheeta, the 1930's and '40's Tarzan movies chimpanzee, 74

An Australian police officer was suspended  for consulting a
clairvoyant  in the investigation of a death threat to the prime
minister. . . . An 82-year-old Los Angeles woman got a tick-
et for taking too long to walk across a street. . . . Doctors in
London reported that a man who has taken 40,000 doses of
Ecstasy was having short-term memory problems. . . . A sci-
entist in Connecticut was seeking funding for  time-travel  ex-
periments. . . . An Ohio chiropractor was in trouble for prac-
ticing "Bahlaqeem," his own invention based on traveling back
in time to when the injury occurred. . . . A Swedish doctor in
Norway was fired for using "anal massage" to relieve pain, in-
cluding headache. . . .  A New York creationist museum pur-
chased a one-eyed noseless dead kitten.  .  .  .  A laundromat
burglar in Elko, Nevada,  took the six surveillance cameras a-
way with him but left the tape recorder and tape (he was iden-
tified and apprehended). . . .  A survey found that 90 per cent
of people concerned  about  global  warming  are prepared to
resist it by caulking. . . .  A University of Georgia student leav-
ing a campus costume event dressed as  a  ninja  was arrested
by federal Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms agents as a  "suspici-
ous individual."  . . .  Molly the cat was rescued from a narrow
space between walls of a building in Greenwich Village after a
14-day vigil.
                        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]

"Sally Barker" sent us an e-mail titled "wedlock fungi."

"Baldwin Riley" sent us an e-mail titled "unmoved pliers."

"Alton" sent us an e-mail titled "hope this is it."

"Dowdy Mara" sent us an e-mail titled "hey bumppo"; "Park Monte" sent us an e-mail
titled "hey borfents," and "Jaramillo Bradford" sent us an e-mail titled "hey borients."

[No e-mail from "spammers of the week" is ever opened here, you understand.
 We actually do not know what we are missing. -- Ed.]

• The Boozing
• Her bizarre obsession
  

FGDean@aol.com wrote Mon 3 Apr 2006 @10:11:13 PDT:

Some of the funniest tabloid headlines yet.  I loved "Hamsterdam."

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 2 Apr 2006 @20:44:37 PDT:

Where can I get a copy of the sock opera video?

Fosterdme@aol.com wrote Sun 2 Apr 2006 @11:39:45 EDT:

Fuming because I (and everyone else, almost) have had to waste time changing
all the clocks, lose an hour of sleep, etc., leads me to comment on Dumb News
from Indiana:   The Governor has reinforced my point that DST is more trouble
than it is worth.   Not only are time and effort wasted as noted above,  but  also
manipulations such as those reported  cost  additional  time,  effort  and  money.
Why can't we all just get along?    (Didn't some famous American come up with
that regarding DST?)

Yes:  Karen Crockett said that.

The one thing NOT dumb about Indiana that you could count on, previously,
was that it did NOT indulge itself in the folly of "daylight saving" time. -- Ed.

Evan Kelso, 18, of Fort Wayne, hired himself out at $10 to change
all digital clocks in any family's house and car (he's on spring break).

Oven doors are the hot item in South Bend burglaries:  They are being
wrapped up and sold to unsuspecting customers as flat screen TV's.

"Sunday night's galloping outburst of spring thunderstorms  may have set a new
 high -- and low -- for meteorologists asking us to remain calm while they didn't.
 It was like Homeland Security being turned loose with too many big crayons."

                                                 -- Bob Hill, Louisville Courier-Journal

Michigan scientists determined that children behave better af-
ter having their tonsils removed. . . .  A Swedish study linked
heavy cell phone use to malignant brain tumors. . . . A prison-
er in Milwaukee tagged the walls,  beds,  tables,  lockers and
mirrors of six cell blocks with his signature "Syrup" while wait-
ing to be sentenced for graffiti.  .  .  .  A 19-year-old postman
jailed  in  London  for hoarding 13,819 delivery items at home
said in his defense that his mailbag was too heavy.  .  .  .  Paris
Hilton denied that she will play Mother Teresa in an upcoming
Bollywood  film.  .  .  .  An adult education teacher in Ventura,
California,  who kept a 40-mm. shell on his desk as  a  paper-
weight  blew off his hand when he used it to squash a bug.

                       [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]

"Clifford Kessler" sent us an e-mail titled "bedside mousy."

Governor Mitch Daniels signed a stay of execution of daylight savings time
so that Indianapolis bars would not have to close an  hour  early  last night
while the town played host to the NCAA Final Four basketball tournament.

                                                            [courtesy National Public Radio]

Opera diva Renée Fleming will be the guest on Marian McPartland's "Piano
Jazz" April 15.
                                        [courtesy Choice (WKYU-FM program guide)]

A 13-year-old boy in Florence was accused of threatening President Bush
because he forwarded an e-mail threatening his school to the White House
-- and, the President is scheduled to throw out the first pitch at the baseball
season opener in Cincinnati, across the river from Florence.

                                                              [courtesy WKYC-TV, Cleveland]

Dear Annie:

In the last month I have noticed more  crooked  ties  on male newscasters,
senators  and  even  our  President.  Surely they have a mirror so they can
check their appearance;  and, if not, some assistant must be around to give
them a once-over before they go on camera.

A  crooked  tie  truly makes all these important people  look  pretty  stupid.
Some even wear a tie with a real skinny knot.   Why not go with the Wind-
sor knot that makes the whole picture prettier?  Help  me  make  this  a na-
tional problem and see if we can't turn it around.

A Scrabble tournament in the Dakota Sioux language  was held
in Hankinson, North Dakota.  . . .  Cecilia Fire Thunder,  Presi-
dent of the Oglala Sioux on the Pine Ridge Reservation,  vowed
to use tribal land to provide abortions to South Dakotans. . . . A
poodle rapist remained at large in Phoenix, Arizona.  .  .  .   Law
students at the University of Memphis filed a petition with the A-
merican Bar Association against a professor who banned laptop
computers from her classroom. . . . A music teacher in Colorado
was suspended when parents complained she was a lesbian devil
worshiper after learning she had showed a videotape of the opera
Faust performed with sock puppets. . . . A science teacher in Ar-
kansas was ordered not to tell students the  actual  age  of  stones.
. . . A poll found that Americans trust Muslims, immigrants and les-
bians more than they trust atheists.  .  .  .  A Las Vegas ambulance
company introduced a special van for the obese. . . .  A University
of California study found  that  self-confident,  self-reliant  children
tend to grow up liberal  and annoying, whiny children tend to grow
up conservative.
                              [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]

"I care so much about you" sent us an e-mail titled "hello."

We received five e-mails from "Barbara Darnell"  asking
"Do you love me?"  (uh . . . er . . . no).