Miss Terious wrote Sun 24 Dec 2006 10:38:42 MST:

Who the hell is the "Panchen Falcon"?  He looks
familiar.  Could he be one of my ex's?

Look here: http://members.aol.com/AlvertC/Unabomber.htm
    -- Ed.

A bomb squad cordoned off several city blocks around the jail
in Marion and detonated a beeping package that had arrived in
the mail -- only to learn that it was a cell phone. . . .

The Purdue University - Calumet basketball season was cancel-
ed  after 8 of the team's 14 players were found academically in-
eligible. . . .

Two sophomores were expelled from Knightstown High School
for making a film in which evil teddy bears attack a teacher.

                                                     [courtesy Associated Press]

A Louisville couple's home was sold twice by identity thieves scam-
ming a mortgage company.
                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Johnny Otis, 85

Dozens  of pieces of luggage lost from international flights on
Continental Airlines were found in a trash bin behind a Hous-
ton pet store. . . .  Newspapers and the Associated Press on
line published the name and face of a  15-year-old  boy  who
was sentenced to four years' detention for driving  a  city  bus
in Orlando, Florida  (he obeyed speed limits and made all the
stops).  . . .  The FIB released its secret files on John Lennon,
previously withheld because they might provoke  "military  re-
taliation against the United States" (by England?). . . . Topless
dancers were spraying themselves with skin-colored  latex  to
obey Alabama's "must cover" law. . . .Two hip-hop motorists
were killed "ghost riding the whip" in California. . . . A buffalo
gored six guests at a wedding in Phnom Penh. . . . "Max" was
the favorite dog name in New York City the second year in a
row.
                    [courtesy AP, Fred Dean, Los Angeles Times]

"Elvia Benavides" sent us an e-mail titled "compose amulet."
"Sasha Paulson" sent us an e-mail titled "haystack passion."
"Sundra" sent us an e-mail titled "Atkin's Diet Tutorials."
"matt@weedconnection.com" sent us an e-mail titled "Need some Weed?"

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 17 Dec 2006 @08:31:56 PST
re last week's headline "Natalee: Buried under cement":

Who IS she????????

Natalee  Holloway, 18-year-old Alabama girl missing in Aruba
for nearly a year now.    Tabloid  hottie  if  ever  there was one.
Where  have  you  been?   Not in the checkout lane at Ralph's,
obviously. – Ed.

Another high school yearbook was recalled  –  this one from
Waldron High School,  in eastern Shelby County.  A student
and her mother complained  that the girl's name was misspel-
led as an obscenity in two photo captions,  which  contained
additional sexual references.   The yearbook contained other
students' names misspelled as vulgarities.

But the dumb news is no longer the yearbooks; it's the journ-
alism.   The  Indianapolis  Star,  WTHR,  and the Associated
Press have let us down again: Not only have they failed to tell
us the captions,  but they have even failed to give us the  kids'
names  (so that we could figure out the misspellings).

                                             [discourtesy Associated Press]

Lance's Hotmail wrote Sun 17 Dec 2006 @11:28:56 EST:

Look  here  you.  Uninquiring Hoosier minds would
rather not know.

Miss USA, from Russell Springs, entered rehab for snorting coke
and abusing alcohol in the Big Apple.
                                                                            [courtesy AP]

In a misunderstanding of a records consolidation project,  all misde-
meanor files more than five years old in Jefferson County (the state's
largest, including Louisville) were destroyed.

                                           [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"Ho, ho.  Ho."

-- Santa Claus

Ralph Nader supported National Basketball Association play-
ers in their successful effort to bring back the leather ball.  .  .  .
A woman was arrested in Hawthorne, Florida, after complain-
ing to police about the quality of some crack  she  had  bought.
.  .  . A tavern owner in Bethalto, Illinois, was cited for a liquor
code violation for staging women wrestling in mashed potatoes.
. . . Polish legislators introduced a bill to make Jesus king  (but
the  Catholic  Church  opposed  it,  and it was not expected to
pass). . . .A woman passed her 1-month-old grandson through
the X-ray scanner at the Los Angeles airport.  .  .  . The Maine
Lobster Promotion Council objected to Long John Silver's new
"lobster bites,"  which are made from prawns.  . . .  A customer
threw a  dead  cat  through the window of a McDonald's drive-
through in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. . . . One gang of monks armed
with sledgehammers, another with crowbars, battled in a Greek
monastery. . . .A British woman with three wombs gave birth to
triplets -- identical twins from one womb, a fraternal triplet from
the other. . . . J-Lo's mother warned her to avoid Scientology.

                                              [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

"PHYLLIS" sent us an e-mail titled "TAMMY."

DISCUSSION GROUP:       Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intel- lectual dissection of important  current  events are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books out- side Brownsville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers  lined  up  for meetings in the near future include the Panchen Falcon.

Bob Hill wrote Tues 12 Dec 2006 @07:51:43 EST re the
headlines "Gigamist Marries Computer" and "University in
India Offers Advanced Degrees for Reincarnated Students":

The hell of it the Mormons already have the reincar-
nated in heaven before the reincarnation.

The Columbus East High School  yearbook  was recalled for
a "sexually suggestive"  (by one report;  "crude,"  by another)
caption under a photograph of a girl basketball player.   And
no one  –  not even the Philadelphia Inquirer, which dared to
print the Muhammad cartoons  –  has reported what the cap-
tion itself said.   Nor have we been able to find a copy of the
yearbook on e-Bay.

The 2004 edition of the same yearbook identified a student as
the "most likely to be a serial killer."

REWARD!   Any reader who can come up with the basketball
caption will get a free lifetime subscription to Tabloid Headlines.

A tractor-trailer driver stopped to rescue a hog-tied puppy from the
middle of a rural road near Henderson.
                                                                                [courtesy AP]

A man in Wichita,  Kansas,  called  police  to report that he had
been robbed of a pound of marijuana.  .  .  .  Donald  Rumsfeld,
in an emotional farewell speech to Pentagon employees,  had  to
wipe  his  nose.  .  .  . Laura Bush changed clothes after she saw
three  other  women  wearing  the same  $8,500  dress  she was
wearing at the White House Christmas party. . . . Dick Cheney's
lesbian daughter got pregnant.  . . . A mother in Columbia, South
Carolina,  had  her 12-year-old son arrested for larceny  after he
unwrapped his Christmas present early.  .  .  . A woman called a
plumber for a blocked toilet in Australia's Northern Territory and
he found a 7-foot python inside. . . . A Wisconsin hunter found a
7- legged hermaphrodite deer. . . . Astronomers watched a black
hole eat a star.  .  .  .  The invention of rap was traced to Muham-
mad Ali.
                                                 [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

"coca-cola2006award@uku.co.uk" sent us an e-mail titled "YOUR
EMAIL HAVE BEEN SELECTED . . . CONGRATULATIONS."

An 18-year-old shoplifter had so much loot in her pants pockets
that her ass was bared by her droopy drawers  as she attempted
to flee a store in Lapel.
                                                     [courtesy Associated Press]

Bingo halls sued to overturn Louisville's anti-smoking ordinance, which
exempts the Churchill Downs race track.
                                                                [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"I'm very proud of my religion.  I discovered that Islam understood sex
 long before the rest of the world."
                                                      -- Heba Kotb, a female physician
                                                            who dispenses sex advice on
                                                          Cairo TV wearing a head scarf

South Korea's Agriculture Ministry announced plans to kill all
cats and dogs in Iksan County.  . . .  An airliner on the way to
Dallas from Washington, D.C., made an emergency landing in
Nashville because a passenger was  lighting  her  farts.  . . .  A
41-year-old man drove naked on I-84 in Connecticut.  . . .  A
truck driver pulling a float loaded with children in the Christmas
parade in Anderson, South Carolina, was arrested for DUI and
kidnapping after he  passed  another  float  and fled down Main
Street.  .  .  . Rednecks were tossing pigs and possums over the
counters of local businesses in West Point,  Mississippi.. . . Do-
mestic pigs ate a 3-year-old boy in Delhi, India. . . . People with
pacemakers were warned to avoid refrigerator magnets.  . . .  A
cell phone conversation at 4 a.m. on a front porch  in Eastpointe,
Michigan,  was the last straw  in a party  that got the homeowner
jailed for violating a noise ordinance.  .  .  .  Someone  pulled  the
plug  on  a  "singing  Santa"  in a driveway in Fort Walton Beach,
Florida,  and then repeatedly ran over Santa's head with an auto-
mobile.
                                                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

Dave Brubeck, 86.

Don't  forget!   Readers inter- ested in intellectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books out- side Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest  speakers lined up for meetings in the near future in- clude the Dalai Falcon.—>

A 12-year-old girl in Peru, Indiana, set her mother's bed on fire (while Ma-
ma slept in it) and took off in the family car with her 8-year-old brother and
6-year-old sister.   Police called her on her mother's cell phone and persua-
ded her to stop the car.
                                                                      [courtesy Associated Press]

An 18-year-old man purchased fast food naked at three drive-throughs in Co-
lumbia City.
                                                                         [courtesy Associated Press]

The men on a murder trial jury in Martinsville threw footballs and frisbees and
raced on high heels in the halls of a hotel where they were sequestered, paint-
ed their toenails, and had food fights.
                                                                         [courtesy Associated Press]

Officials seek info on dead bear

A bear was killed,  apparently while crossing a highway in northern Kentucky,
and "someone had cut off its paws, which is illegal"  (name, number, county or
city of highway not disclosed).
                                                                                   [courtesy the Gimlet]

"You want my license?  I'm going for pancakes, not the Hope diamond!"

                        -- John Russo, when asked for a photo ID to be
                            seated at an IHOP in Quincy, Massachusetts

British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced  that state super-
nannies will be dispatched  to deal with the United Kingdom's
problem children.  .  .  .  A student at the Art Institute of Port-
land,  Oregon,  was expelled after he questioned a classmate's
belief in leprechauns. . . . A federal judge in Washington, D.C.,
ruled that United States currency discriminates against the blind
because all denominations feel the same. . . . Testing of a home-
land security radio signal by the Air Force  in Colorado Springs
jammed hundreds of garage doors.  .  .  . Maine's liquor control
authority prohibited a brewer's label depicting  Santa Claus  en-
joying a pint of beer.  .  .  .  The city Christmas display in St. Al-
bans, West Virginia,  is a manger with shepherds, star, palm tree
and camels but no Jesus, Mary or Joseph.  . . . Inspectors found
15 pounds of  iguana meat at a West Indian grocery in Brooklyn.
. . . A woman microwaved her baby in Dayton, Ohio.

"coralee" sent us an e-mail titled "might be wrong but."